Smoking Gun

“I’m sorry I’m late. Jeff did what he always does. He spent the last forty minutes of the workday talking about his terrible weekend plans and ended up keeping everyone over. It’s like he doesn’t know that we don’t want to hear it… Anyway, I’m sorry. You look amazing.” Nick sat down across from his beautiful girlfriend Carmen, but only after leaning across the table and giving her a quick peck on the cheek. The French restaurant was decorated with French paintings and French superficial architectural details that made one begin to imagine they were in Paris if they drank too much French wine.

“You can’t keep making me wait like this. Its every time we have plans Nick. I had to keep telling the waitress that you would be here any minute!”

“I know, I know. I said I’m sorry. What do you want me to do?... Quit my job? Jeff likes the power trip of full attention when he knows we are about to leave. Do you think I want to listen to him talk about sitting on his deck drinking for the hundredth time?”

“Forget it. You aren’t listening to me. Let’s not do this tonight.” Carmen’s eyes flicked from Nick to her Vodka Soda. She was unsubtly inviting him to continue the conversation because of its obvious importance to her.

“Alright. I’m sorry…” Nick missed the signs again. “Where is this waitress anyway?” He timed his question unfortunately as she walked up to the table from behind him.

“It looks like your plus one has finally arrived! Can I get you anything to drink?” She was too bubbly for a restaurant like this. When you spend two-hundred dollars on a two-course meal you expect your waitress to be accommodating but cold. Eventually, you hope to forget them completely. This waitress was not off to the best start.

“I’ll have whiskey… rocks.”

“What whiskey would you prefer? We have-”

“You choose.” Nick picked up the menu and scanned for his standard order at a place like this. In his mind, what else would you pay this much for besides steak? The waitress walked away to fetch his drink before he found the options. “Car, when she gets back order me the steak. I’m going to have a quick cig.”

“You literally just sat down. You are thirty minutes late! You couldn’t do that in the car?”

“I was in such a rush to see you! I’ll only be a minute baby.” Nick lied. He had had a cigarette in the car.

“Fine. You better be back in five minutes or I’m leaving.” Carmen pouted jokingly. She was trying to salvage their anniversary dinner.

“Thank you” Nick’s voice inflected as he stood up grabbing his coat from the back of the chair. He marched hastily towards the door. As he went out the exit, he grabbed his pack and slid out a cigarette before beginning to pat each of his pockets with increasing desperation. It was lost, but Nick was undeterred. He has been in this position before. He turned towards the valets down the red mat that welcomed you into Le Bleu. “Either of you have a light?” He asked while gesturing with both hands towards his unlit cigarette dangling from his lips.

“I got one, yeah.” The valet fished into his pockets and grabbed his lighter. Then he tossed it to him. Nick reacted slowly and missed it but quickly scooped it up from the curb.

“Thanks.” He lit the cigarette and took a deep inhale.”

“You can’t smoke that here.” The valet pointed at a sign near the entrance that said NO SMOKING WITHIN 25 FEET.

“There is no way this isn’t twenty-five feet.” Nick handed him back the lighter.

“I don’t care. Step back a few feet. The bosses get pissed at us if we don’t enforce it.”

“Fine! Fuck man. I’ll walk into the fucking parking lot.” Nick put his hand in his pockets and sulked away into the lot. He figured he might as well check on his car. It was right where he left it. A 2004 Ford Explorer. As Nick would explain to anyone who saw it, for 2004, this was near mint condition. He leaned against the driver side door and tried to enjoy the smoke.

As his blood vessels reacted and his impulse faded, he began to see the conversation he had with Carmen earlier in a new light. He was clearly messing up this dinner. He had been messing up with her since they got together. But, somehow, things felt worse lately. His carefree attitude had begun to annoy instead of endear. He realized he should probably get back to the table now if he didn’t want the whole thing to end.

“Do you have a cigarette?” A woman’s voice broke through Nick’s self-conscious spiral.

Nick began a defensive maneuver. “I do. But, no lighter.”

“Do you have a cigarette lighter in your car?” The woman was unphased.

Nick slapped the side of the Explorer. “Sure do, standard issue 2004. It’s near mint condition.”

“Well, are you going to invite me inside?” Her smile hypnotized him briefly, then he remembered why he was here.

“I really need to get back inside, I’m sorry. One of the valets has a lighter, here.” He handed her the cigarette quickly and began to turn away.

She looked at him, affected by the rejection, but hiding it well. “Thanks. Good karma. Can I at least know the name of my savior?”

“Nick. But I really have to go. See ya around.” As Nick turned he saw the furious face of Carmen storming through the parking lot.

“NICK! THIS IS WHERE YOU’VE BEEN?!... WITH THIS SLUT?” Carmen felt she could be this rude because she was angry. But it did not sit right with her kind disposition and she immediately felt the need to apologize. All those feeling flew through her as she smacked the cigarette pack out of Nick’s hands.

“I was about to come back inside! They told me I couldn’t smoke by the restaurant! She Just asked for a-”

“I don’t care. I’m done.” She turned towards the woman, whose name was Britney but went by Brit, and extended a final insult. “He’s all yours. From the fucked-up teeth down to the bad manners. Enjoy the smell.” Carmen left defiantly, not looking back as she made her way to her 2007 Chevrolet Malibu.

“Carmen, wait!” Nick yelled after her. It did not stop her for a moment. Nick really never thought it would.

Brit waited, briefly, through the awkward silence. Then she pounced. “So… are you going to help me light this cig?”