Uncle Jack

My phone buzzer starts going off, distracting me from my last minute wrapping of Christmas presents.

“Hello?”

“Hello, Miss Casey? This is Oakland Regional Hospital calling. We have your uncle here with us, and it’s a good idea you come and see him.”

“Why, what’s wrong with him? It’s Christmas Eve!”

“I’m afraid he’s not going to be with us much longer; he might not see Christmas Day. I recommend you come down now if you want to say goodbye.”

The scissors I was still holding when I answered fall to the table.

“Uh… sure, I-I’ll be right there.”

I quickly grab my keys, purse and phone, shove them in the pockets of my denim jacket, and race to the car. I sink into the seat and sigh before turning the ignition. I start driving towards the hospital.

Why am I so upset? I just met this guy last week. Having never really known my mum or dad, I guess having my mum’s brother come into my life has been nice. We’ve spent quite a few evenings together as he tells me what my parents were like when I was little. I’ve especially enjoyed hearing the stories about my mum as a kid, and what a terror she was!

Losing your parents young makes it really hard to trust people; you just expect them to disappear as well. Because of that, I haven’t really ever had anyone really close to me in my life. My foster parents couldn’t care less when I moved away at 16. I’ve never had anyone close enough to tell secrets to, or share experiences with. I’ve never been in love. But you know what, I’ve always been okay. I enjoy my own company. But now my uncle Jack shows up? And ruins everything. I can feel myself gripping the steering wheel tighter. I slap it out of frustration.

I pull up to the hospital, take a ticket and find a spot to park. I head to the front desk.

“I’m here to see Jack White?”

The woman on the desk smiles at me, her sympathetic eyes telling me she’s sorry. “He’s on the east ward, I can show you if you want?” I nod. She seems friendly, and I like her presence. We don’t talk, but it’s nice to have someone to walk through these over-white, over-clean corridors. She directs me to the ward as we approach, and I thank her as I walk inside.

An elderly nurse, who can’t be any taller than five feet, approaches me. “Jack White. I’m his… niece.”

“Ah, yes, we spoke on the phone. With me, dear.”

She leads me into a side room, and shuts the door behind us. All I can hear is the beeping and buzzing of machines. He’s covered in wires, and he seems to have needles hanging out of him everywhere.

“I’m afraid your uncle’s cancer has progressed a lot quicker than we thought. There’s nothing we can do. I’m so sorry.” She looks down, visibly distressed, but doing her best to stay neutral.

I laugh. I keep laughing. “What do you mean cancer? My uncle doesn’t have cancer. We met like, a week ago. Do you not think his opening lines would have been ‘Oh, Holly, by the way, I have cancer’?” I wipe tears away from my eyes.

I hear groaning from the bed, followed by a croaky “Holly”. I turn to face my uncle Jack, and he pats the bed next to him. I go sit by him.

“Holly I should have told you, but I didn’t think it’d get me so quick.” He sounds so quiet. “I’ve got pancreatic cancer honey. But this cancer is a blessing, because without it, I wouldn’t have got in touch with you.” He starts getting upset.

“Uncle, please, it’s fine. I’m here now.” He scowls.

“No, Holly. You don’t understand. I want to explain.”

“What is there to explain?”

He sighs.

“No one has ever told you what really happened, and why I stopped talking to you after.”

“You mean why you stopped talking to me when mum and dad died? Uncle Jack, I went into care when I was 5, that must have been tough, I get it.”

“No Holly, it’s more than that. Let me go way back. Your Uncle Jack… I was an alcoholic honey. I couldn’t go a day without a drink. I lost my wife, and I lost my job. When you were little I was a nobody. I was a mess.”

“But Uncle Jack, you fixed it right? That’s amazing.”

“Yeah I did. But there’s a reason why I kicked it. And I’m so afraid to tell you, because I just got you back.”

“Uncle Jack, you’re scaring me.”

He has looked away from me, and starts fumbling with him hands. He looks back at me.

“I got real drunk one night. I can’t remember what small inconvenience was to blame, but I couldn’t see straight. And your stupid-” He starts crying. “Your STUPID uncle decides to get into his car and drive. Your parents were coming back from a date night, first they’d had in ages. I hit them head on. I was fine. Your parents died on impact. I will never, ever, get that image out of my brain. I promised them there and then I would never drink another drop. I’ve been 13 years sober, the day I got in contact with you.”

I can’t breathe.

“No… No, it’s not true.”

“I’m sorry Holly…”

Angry tears start stinging my eyes and face. “I can’t believe you killed my parents! You’re pathetic, you can’t even tell me the truth of why you got in touch with me. It’s just part of your stupid 12 step program isn’t it? Huh?”

He just stares down.

“I can’t even look at you.” I storm out of the room and back to the car, tears blinding my way. I get into the car and sob and scream and hit the steering wheel. Once the tears subside enough for me to see, I decide to go for a drive to clear my head. But the tears continued to stain my face.

I drive mindlessly along roads, taking random turns, staring into the red of traffic lights looking for something, anything. Why did he have to tell me? How can I ever look at him again?

I have to pull over because I’m too upset. Where’s that photo… I reach into my glove box and take out my favourite photo of my parents – their wedding day. They look so happy. I wish I could remember something about them, but I was so young. I wish I could hear their voices, just to know. I feel like I’ve never truly had a family… until Uncle Jack…

No. No. I have to go back. I rush for the ignition, so quickly that my fingers stumble over the keys. I stomp my foot on the pedal and race off, back to the hospital.

I run into the hospital ward, into Uncle Jack’s room. The nurse is standing there making some adjustments to his machines. There’s a new sound. The k-shh of an oxygen machine.

“Oh, you’re back. I’m afraid your Uncle has had a turn for the worse. His organs are shutting down. He’s struggling to breathe on his own, so we’ve put him on oxygen for now. He’s in a lot of pain, so we’ve given him some morphine to make his last moments here more pleasant. I’m sorry.”

She awkwardly shuffles off, clearly upset at the loss of a patient. I’m too late.

I stand there, staring at him for a long time. I’m too late.

I walk over to the bedside, and sink down, resting my head against him. He feels so cold. It’s like the life has already left him. These machines are doing everything now.

“Uncle Jack… I’m so sorry. You are the only family I have… and I’ve lost you too. Uncle, I forgive you, you didn’t mean it.” I say through tears. As I sit crying, he sighs out his final breath.

“Uncle? Uncle! No! Nurse, help!” I start screaming frantically. The nurse comes through and unplugs him from all the machines.

“I’m sorry my dear, he’s gone. It was very peaceful. I’m sorry. I’ll allow you some time with him.”

She leaves the room, and shuts the door. I feel so alone.

“Uncle, the last time I saw you, I hated you. That’s how you remember me. How will you know how sorry I am? How will you know that I- I love you Uncle!” I am sobbing at this point uncontrollably. The pain, the loneliness, the darkness, it all feels too much to deal with.

Suddenly, all my pain disappears. The pain of the past, of losing my parents so young, of not being able to express my forgiveness to my Uncle. I feel whole, complete. There’s hope. I notice the clock ticking in the room for the first time – it’s just gone midnight. It’s Christmas Day. I hear a familiar voice whisper beside me, and a warmth radiates through me.

“I know, Holly. I know.”