Can I Change?

It happens with such regularity it has become almost sickeningly predictable. The desire to change is real, but the failure to overcome such deep seeded beliefs is almost inevitable. Once again, here I sit. Alone by my own words and actions. At this point the desire, even the need, for change is obvious. This is unsustainable, and even after 16 years of marriage there must be a breaking point somewhere. The fear is real that I will find it one of these days. And I promise, again and again, I will change. I will find a way. I will persevere in changing the faulty foundations that these issues and attitudes stem from. Here I sit again, having the same conversation with myself. Can I Change? Can I make meaningful progress in my path to become a better, more stable, and happy person? One who adds value to my community?

Who am I? Really, down in my deepest roots, this seems to be the basis of the my issues. It doesn’t sound too bad at first, looking at the external factors of my life. I am a father, a husband, a member of a local church and fire department. I am a hunter, fisherman, and farmer, though not professionally in any aspect. I am a worker, a business owner, and a friend and mentor. It is not all positive and productive, however. I am also a flawed only child who struggled with even articulating the mental issues that most likely should have prevented the exacerbation of said issues through military service and subsequent deployment. A veteran who has struggled with circumstances beyond my control, and one who turned to alcohol and pills as a solution. And this has tainted the very things in this life I am the most proud of and happy about, though the evidence that I do have such love in my heart for those closest to me in fact is slim. I have a wife who sticks with me through times where it would be acceptable, even encouraged, to move on and improve her circumstances. I have a family with her, 2 children that have made my life full in ways I had not previously considered. With that comes challenges and frustrations, certainly, but the rewards are without measure.

And that is where this desire to change comes from. The desire is real, certainly. But I allow myself to get in my own way. Respond before proper consideration to the implications of my words and actions can be fully thought through. That impulsive seeking of instant gratification, what does it produce? Not the fruit I care to partake in, for all that I can’t always stop myself from reaching for it, against my own better judgment. And as soon as I bite into that bitter fruit I know the mistakes I have made, but not how to reconcile them with the path I want to be taking. And so I sit here. Again. Rinse and repeat.

But it’s not for nothing, truth be told. Progress HAS been made, even if not as quickly as I would like, or perhaps not as in the direction my wife and family would prefer. The deepening of my faith, my ability to rely on someone greater than myself for comfort, guidance, and wisdom has helped. Therapy has been very important, as has no longer seeking answers in the bottom of a rum bottle. As this is being written I am over 18 months without a drink. Forming more positive relationships with my wife and children has been such a blessing, but that can be a double edged sword because when I fall, or fail, the feeling of having hurt or disappointed them cuts all that much deeper. 

What motivation to keep trying, though. What a drive that combination gives me, the combining of the love felt when I get it right, and that hurt when I don’t. It is chasing those highs that keeps me going, and the fear of the pain caused by my failures that moves me forward. We all will fall, at some point, we all fail. We are people, and it is a fact of life. So how do we move forward at these low points? What use is it to push forward when all that I see now is failures stretching out behind me as far as the eye can see? 

That’s the trick, I guess. Dig into those failures, and sure enough some levels of success show through. They are small, especially at the beginning, but they are precious. They are nuggets of gold scattered through the dirt we bury ourselves with. When I learned to start panning through the dirt to find the value, things changed. I still fail. I still have many issues that I am working on to resolve. But that’s the difference. I AM working. Slowly, to be sure, but slow and steady progress can give us more insight and perspective than leaps and bounds. When we take the scenic route it can help us better appreciate the entire journey, and give weight to the parts that are the hardest to keep moving forward through. I stumble and fall, and the fall always hurts. But not as much as laying on the ground and accepting defeat. I have been there, too. I have woken up in an intensive care unit after being sure I wouldn’t wake up, even going so far as to try and make sure that didn’t happen. But I got up. I moved forward. Sure, sometimes I was pushed back against, sometimes the wall seems too high to climb, too strong to break, and too wide to go around. 

That is where persistence steps in. That is where one of the aspects of my personality shines through, in the one way I can seem to make positive use of it. I am stubborn to the point of foolhardiness, and I will chip away at the wall in front of me as long as I need to. And when I get through it, and see the bigger, thicker wall behind it I’ll go to work on that one too. Because what else can I do? Give up? I tried that, but it didn't work. The only thing that works for me is forward motion. So to answer the question asked at the beginning, can I change? Yes. Of course. In fact, this is no longer the question. My success so far, despite having my own worst enemy taking shots at me from within my own thoughts and my ability to take the best of times and twist them until I have to pan through the wreckage of the day to try to find a nugget of wisdom to let me do better in the future, have taught me that I can change. That is no longer something I need to question. What I do need to question, to keep myself honest and moving forward, is this- Can I continue to change? I am not perfect, and I hope to never consider myself to be. Because with that thought comes stagnation. I spent over 10 years stagnant, drinking my life away, neglecting my family. However, I will say one last thing. I would not go back and take away any of the mistakes I have made. My most important lessons have come from my errors. Am I proud of those mistakes? Of course not. Will I repeat them? Not if I can help it. I’m good at finding new ways to make mistakes, though. And if I were to take away the lessons learned as a result of my mistakes what would I lose? Maybe some of the lessons which have fundamentally changed my outlook. I need those examples of my failures to prevent more in the future, and even though I may be in the midst of another one of my own self-made setbacks, I can look to the past and see the positive direction my life is headed. I may not be happy every moment of every day, but I can finally look around and say I have a good life. And without days of hardship I will never have the context with which I can appreciate the days where I do manage to get it right.