Dream Journal

19-12 -1974

I was 10 years old that day. I was playing in the living room. My house was a small one so I open the entrance door to feel more spacious inside. But when I opened it, I saw in the far outside my house fence. I saw her. An old woman with white hair pulled back using a traditional clothes like my grandmother. when I met her eyes, I was stunt and can not move. 

I am so afraid.

The urge to let go from her eye and shout to call my  mother because I was so scared.

But my voice was gone. I tried once more but nothing came out from my mouth. She touched the fence to open it. 

“No!!” I shout from my heart. And tears falling down with the mix of desperation, I was begging to her “Do not come, please.”

I cried that was the only thing I can do. And I woke up.

I realized its just a dream. But when I touched my face, the tears were there. The fear was real

And in the morning, my mom got called. That her aunt was died.

19 -09 -1986

I was almost fall a sleep that night, but someone keep banging at the outdoor fence.

Bang !!

Bang !!

Bang !!

Who is that, it was midnight. I said.I came out on the balcony of my second floor, to check who was banging my house.I looked down.

It was her.  An old woman with white hair pulled back using a traditional clothes, she kept banging the fences. Every bang was hit and my heart was hurting. She knew I was out in the balcony, she looked up and when I met her eyes.Those eyes again, hatred, anger, horror, that what I felt when I looked at her eyes.I stunted and can not move.

Tears falling down mix with desperation, again. I hated this feeling. I cried and begging.

“Please, please…. No…, God !! Please help me.” I beg to God to have mercy on me. I do not know who she is and what is she doing but I was sure this just a dream.”GOD PLEASE WAKE ME UP !!!!!!”

And I wake up. I was 29 years old when I saw her again.

And in the next morning, we got news that, in the same night my neighbour was banging our fences because  she would like to ask us to help her collapse husband to go to the hospital. And in that morning, my neighbour died.

I was  confuse and I am not sure what was happening. Is it only a coincidence? That everytime I dreamed of her and death will follow.

Is she a grim reaper?But why me?

Who is she exactly? Why she always came to my dream and cost death?

The question that I do not know who can answer.

20-08-2008

I was playing the piano in the living room. I was with Andrew, my husband. I always like the feeling listening to the music played with the piano. I always think if heaven is real and you won’t grow tired with the flesh. I can play the piano everyday everytime to worship Him.

I look at him, my husband and he smiled. And I love that his smile warms my heart and beam of lights shine upon us which make him the most beautiful person in my world. 

It was perfect. 

His eyes shifted, like he saw something behind my back and followed his gazed and saw in the far. An old woman with white hair pulled back using a traditional clothes, again.

In that moment, I already knew the same cycle will happen again. When I met her eyes, hatred, anger, horror, came to me.I stunted and can not move again.

I prayed to God, Please do not bring my child.

And I asked her through my eyes

Who is going to go?

And in that moment her eyes shifted not looking at me anymore, but to beside me. And I can feel the wind brushed when He passed me.

Andrew

He went toward her.

No !!

I grabbed his hand. 

No !! 

But that word won’t come out. 

Why? No !! Do not go to her !!

He smiled.

No, stupid !! Do not smile !! She is death !!

Andrew, you are fool !!

“It’s okay, I love you.” he talked to me. His sound very calm. He reached me and hug me warmly. I tighten my hug, I do not want to let him go. 

Please, please, God. I know this is just a dream, please wake me up now, when he still in my arms.

He whispered again. “ I love you,” he cupped my face and kiss my forehead. I felt his warm. Yet, He still in my arms, he still in my forehead. Until I open my eyes.

I wake from the dream.

I was 49 years old. I looked beside me, Andrew was sleeping. I tried to feel his heartbeat.

He still there, He still here, He still alive. 

I hug him from behind, I do not want to let him go. “I love you.” I said in the dark.

25-12-2023

Its christmas day

“Grandma, Merry Christmas.” little aurora, come to me. She is my beloved grandchildren. 

My son, Phillip, always came by in christmas. He always worry about me, when I said. I want to be in the nursing home.

“Merry Christmas, mom. How's your health?” he asked.

“I am fine.” I smiled. 

“Mom, why don’t you come live with us? Aurora is ten now. She feel alone, when she coming home from the school because me and Lizzy in the office. Aurora can accompany you.

I smiled. “Okay, “ 

It's already 5 years, I’ve been waiting for that old woman i to come in my dream, so I can go with her to meet Andrew, my husband. My husband died, when I was 59 years old. Ten years after that dream. And after that, I never afraid to sleep anymore. In fact, I want to sleep earlier then usual. I want her to come, so I can meet my husband.But. she never came.

It's New Year day. “Mam, today you will be leaving the nursery home. Which dress you would like to use?” one of the nurse asked me. No other options, it's either white or red. I think white is the best one. Since I already used red when Christmas previously. She combed my white hair and it got me sleepy.

“You can rest a bit. I think your son, will arrive later in the afternoon, mam.”

I smiled, seeing her leave. I closed my eyes a bit.

“Its okay.” I heard, Andrew’s voice. And I awake. I walked toward my bedroom doors. And check to the hallway. I saw him, wearing his tuxedo. He is so handsome. I remember it was the tuxedo that he wear when we are married. I smiled. I want to run to him, but my fragile leg can not afford it. “Slowly.” He said.

“Is it really you?”I said from the bottom of my hearth.

This dream, not the first time. After he left, I always dream of him once in awhile. I took his hand, grab it and do not want to let him go. “Let’s go,” he said. We walk towards the front doors of the nursing home. From a far, I saw someone, waiting outside.

Nearing the entrance door, I saw my reflection a white haired woman, familiar figure, smiling beside Andrew. And when the door open.I saw that old woman again. But now, her eyes not that scary. She is smiling.

And I realize.

After all this time

She was me.