The Next Life

Today marks exactly one year since I received the life-shocking news. Disturbing and intrusive thoughts constantly flow through my subconscious. I wonder if my everyday efforts to complete one more day in this life will be worth anything towards the end game. I’ve convinced myself that the situation would’ve had a different outcome had I taken the time to realize how much I took you for granted. Through all the madness, somehow I manage to get up from my bed every morning to get ready to go to work and pretend that I have enough energy to deal with all the customers who enter that sandwich shop–only to go home and repeat the cycle the following day. If I were to be completely honest: I hate everything.

I work at a sandwich shop that is a few blocks away from my apartment. It's a very busy area, so naturally there's a great deal of activity from people who walk into the shop. It's a daily occurrence to have at least one customer complain about not getting their way in the most inconvenient way possible. I don't care what the training procedures have taught us to do, the customers are always at complete fault with whatever complaint they're prepared to rant about. To top it all, I am always on the lookout for all the stray cats that lurk around the dark alley corner that attempt to sneak into the building to cause mayhem. There's a particular cat that always manages to sneak in, but I always chase it off before it has the opportunity to snatch any food. If it were up to me, I'd exterminate all of those cats. Cats are pests–nothing more or less.

One workday morning while sitting on the alley table during my break period, I took a large sandwich out of my lunch bag. It was at the mere blink of an eye when a rich-gold cat slowly approached me from behind the large garbage can. It cried out a cute, joyful purr as it sat still on the ground while looking directly at me. Who the hell does this cat think I am?! Without any hesitation, I stood up and stomped the ground near the cat. Suddenly, it hissed back at me and glared back at me with its thinned eyes before it dashed away and disappeared into the alley. There's no way I would allow that cat to take any piece of my food. After all, an emotionally-attached cat is the last thing I’d want to groom; It would keep demanding food like a parasitic leech if it were given the opportunity.

When my lunch break came to an end, I walked back into the building to continue the remainder of my shift. As I was finishing an order, I read the transaction total to a customer who decided to add every side to his sandwich. “Why am I being charged extra for avocado!? It looks like this place hires unqualified idiots to do their bidding!” the customer yelled. 

Without hesitation I raised my voice in retaliation, "It’s the corporate policy! How stupid can you be? Now, you can either pay the total or get your stupid-looking face the hell out of here!" 

It wasn’t long before the customer demanded to speak with the store manager. My manager stormed out of the back office door and immediately told me to step outside and clean the outside dining area. I could hear the customer rambling from a distance, agitated, demanding that I be disciplined with whatever corporate policies are applicable and get fired. To be honest, the store manager probably gave him some sort of free meal or discount offer as a way to apologize for the “inconvenience”. It didn’t matter to me anyways because customers will always get their way regardless–there is no beating them. Upon taking a quick glance at the outside tables, I completely lost track of the conversation. One quick glance at the court gave me disgust. Wrappers and paper bags were scattered across the area. How can people have no decency; no respect for themselves; and no consideration for the rest of us!?! It took almost the rest of my shift to clean everything. Eventually, I packed the last trash bag into the dumpster and began to head back inside the building to punch out of work. As I was heading back inside, I saw the cat from earlier sitting on top of our storage shed. Something about it seemed different than our encounter from earlier. It kept firm eye contact in my direction. It was relaxed and calm. It’s almost as if it forgave me for what I did earlier. Something about the way it posed and stared at me seemed very reminiscent, and it gave me an instant feeling of warm comfort. It radiated an indescribable presence that seemed very familiar–but I was unsure what it was. I paid no extra attention to it, and I decided to walk inside.

After my shift ended, it was time to head back home. I walked home because my apartment complex isn’t very far. The walk is only about 15 minutes, but that’s more than enough time to reawaken the horrific regrets that are engraved in my soul. This walk is a reminder that I had an opportunity to prevent what happened that day. Our relationship was hanging by a single thread, and I chose to act selfish. Had I called you that day, perhaps I would’ve seen brighter days. As a result, I am paying the price with the remorse that haunts me everyday. I am completely torn apart, and the grim reaper loans me the energy to keep my basic will alive. My biggest fear is that one day the loan will be too much of a fulfillment for Death to provide.

The next day came along as the sound of my alarm began to startle my ears. It’s time for another hell fest! It makes sense, after all, I am hell bound at this point in my life. Scratch that! Being in hell sounds much more pleasant than working at the sandwich shop. 

Upon arrival, the workplace appeared to be a desolate wasteland. There weren’t any customers–surprisingly! Will this be my lucky day? Will I go the entire shift without having to deal with a single customer? About ten minutes into my work shift, a man who appeared to be in his mid fifties came in to place an order. The interaction was very smooth, and I was able to help him get situated relatively fast. The man decided to sit outside. Shortly after, he left his meal on the table to make a quick trip to the restrooms. I noticed a small movement from the corner of my eye. Time suddenly suppressed itself as I turned my attention towards the table where the man chose to sit. It was the golden cat digging through the customer’s sandwich bag. I quickly rushed outside to try and stop the cat from taking any food, but the moment I took a step it noticed my movement from across the window, and it quickly escaped into the alley with the sandwich in its mouth. Crap! I thought to myself. Eventually the man returned from the restroom, and he aggressively asked the whereabouts of his food. As I was making direct eye contact, the customer’s expression caused a windstorm of incoherent thoughts to run rampant inside my head. I began to utter incoherent, rabble phrases, and I couldn't maintain my composure. I hesitated to give a direct response. How was I supposed to explain that an alley cat snatched his food while he was gone? He didn’t bother with my inability to respond, and he simply requested a second meal free of charge. He described the situation as a “lack of respect due to stupid, incompetent employees” as his reason to receive his compensation. Suddenly my inner thoughts began to fuel my anger as I began to assert my tone to tell him that it was his own idiotic fault for leaving himself unattended. When I turned around to make my way back inside, I felt a firm grip on my shoulder. I did not give it a second thought as I immediately pushed him towards the table and smashed his drink onto the ground. My heart beat elevated to insane levels, and my breath became heavier. I kept direct eye-contact in his direction as I waited anxiously for his next move. Suddenly, my manager burst the door open to show up to the scene. He attended to the man, and he fired me without hesitation. I stared at him in denial upon hearing those words. I took a deep breath and began to walk away.

Rather than going back to my apartment, I decided to detour through the city streets. I crossed multiple streetlights and crosswalks as I convinced myself that it would be too easy to climb one of the buildings or jump in front of a large speeding cargo truck. The morning quickly turned into an afternoon as I was sitting on the ground of an alley corner with my head facing downwards. Was this how you felt? Could've I have done something differently? 

About an hour before sunset, my phone released a notification text from my boss–or should I say former boss. I made my way back to the shop to pick up my final paychecks. There wasn’t much to be said. The silent ambience that stood between the two of us was a mutual agreement that there was no way to overturn what had been done. I grabbed the envelope and walked straight to the front exit. Upon exiting the door, I noticed the cat trying to make its way in through one of the emergency back exits. I crumpled the envelope in my hand and began heading in its direction through the dark alley. I grabbed a crowbar that was next to one of the large dumpsters, and I began to sneak my way towards the cat. Once I took my first step, it immediately turned its attention towards me and began speeding its way towards the end of the alley. I took a large step and quickly chased after the cat. As I ran my body did not give any signs of weariness. The only form of fatigue that my body could express was in the form of resentment towards that cat. Upon reaching the end of the alley, the cat completely stopped in front of a large container sitting sideways and began to lay out an aggressive hiss towards me. The moment I was about to let out a large swing, I heard the softest cry come from inside the container. My body came to a sudden shock, and my heart skipped a beat the moment I took a peek inside. Four kittens were lying inside the container. My body felt completely exhausted; my heart began pounding across my chest, and tears began to stream down my face. I took the crowbar in my hand and threw it across the alley as I made my way to the other side of the alley wall. I sat on the ground in complete silence as my emotions were in extreme disbelief as to what I had just experienced. A few moments later, I felt something standing next to me. I raised my head and saw the cat joyfully purring while rubbing its body across the side of my leg. During that brief moment, my level of comfort was inexplicable. My eyes became dry, and I suddenly felt a strong sense of relief. My heartbeat slowly regulated itself as I petted the cat, and I began to experience an unimaginable level of tranquility. I spent a few more minutes with the cat before I decided to make my way back home.

The moment I entered my apartment, my eyes began to swell red, and my cheeks began to stream tears. I couldn't believe that I almost went through the extreme lengths of what I was about to do. How could I? I walked to the corner, and I slammed my head across the shelf. All of the items that were resting on the shelf fell to the ground. As I looked over to the ground, I noticed one of the books that fell was lying face down on the ground with a loose piece of paper clinging onto the edge inside one of the pages of the book. It’s an old note from you! 

 Regardless of what you believe, the past ten years by your side have been the best moments of my life. When we first met, you told me that my presence alone was enough to bring you comfort. It was extremely cute how you would always struggle to describe that feeling. Needless to say, it brought joy to my heart, and it was enough for me to say yes after we had been talking for a few months. Our differences and flaws became fuel to elevate our relationship to new heights. You taught me how to love myself when my entire world was drifting apart and I had nobody by my side to lean on for support. But somewhere down the line, I became too much of a burden for you. I wish I could've known what was going on in your mind the nights you would shut down. I wish I knew what I could have done differently to make you feel better. I wish I

could've done something differently to prevent the night you lashed out at me and told me that I was the source of all your problems. If I'm being completely honest with you, I am very anxious.

…

I am not ready to die.

... 

But I won't be able to live happily knowing that I'm the reason for your suffering. I wish I could've reminded you just how special you are to me. I wish I could've taught you how to love yourself the same way you taught me. I failed as your partner, and I failed while being alive next to you.  Regardless, I am not ready to rest until I find a way for you to release the hatred you’ve built inside. Perhaps I could've done something to help you become the best version of yourself.

...

Whatever it is, I'll be sure to do it in my next life.

            Goodbye and I will always Love you.

Immediate flashbacks began to present themselves in my consciousness within the brief second after reading the note. The only thing I desire from you at this point is forgiveness. I truly wish I could have the opportunity to express myself to you and apologize for my wrongdoings… wherever you are. No one ever stops being special. But our eyes become shrouded by the evil mist that is produced in our hearts, and it gives us the illusion that something is no longer special. My eyes began to drift away, and my sight slowly darkened into the night as I was lying on my bed.

The following morning as I was rising from the night, my eyes and heart felt extremely light, and my soul felt free from the burden I was forced to carry with me at every moment. I prepared a sandwich, and I headed back to the dark alley. The cat was nowhere to be found, but the four kittens were still in place as they began to eat from the sandwich I placed for them. Something in my heart sparked and I suddenly felt a sense of warmth. I made a call to a local organization dedicated to the care of abandoned pets. I saw the two ladies from the organization carefully carry away the kittens assuring them of their safety. As the car drove off,  I walked towards the entrance of the alley where the light from the sun shined bright, and I got ready to head to my next destination.