Zeppo

Sit down, sit down… There’s no point in having an office like this if I cannot share it with fans, especially ones like you. You really look beat up, as you should be if you really traveled all this way just to speak to me. My secretary would not have believed it without my letter and your determination. So please…take a breath and we can start.

*

You are absolutely right. Most of the fans know nothing about me. They don’t even know my real name (impressed that you found that out; so much information out there if you hunt for it). Herbert would not have worked on stage if I wanted to be a part of the team, but it looks fantastic on a plaque in an office, or in the hallway of a building that I happen to own. One of several, as you probably figured out. But I am not upset by the anonymity (is that the word?). It actually helped me quite a bit. Never had to pull out any old mustaches or glasses; never had to dance or pretend I was mute. And I never had to recite lines from stage or on film. It did me good to be on the sidelines.

*

Well, we all started as children. It was not easy living the way we did, all crowded up together in those miserable apartments. You had to learn fast as a kid what to do to survive in that place. And we made people laugh. Had no choice. I remember getting beaten up so many times on the way to school – not a long-term plan – or just going out to run errands that I just finally had to figure something out. My brothers are better known for their wit and silliness. I had to work on it. And I did.

No, I can’t do it now. It was just something from a comic strip that I knew that those kids would love. All I recall now is being able to stop a fist in my face…and getting some respect finally. I even made a little money from the impressions I could do (pennies getting tossed my way made a sound on the pavement I never forgot; must have started something). The bruises and blood went away, and the money started to come in. My ma never really believed it when I told her how I got the money, but then I did my act… Even my brothers laughed (think they were surprised by it; quiet kids always surprise people).

*

My brothers…

He was always in a bad mood. You know the one. That’s why he got the name. Oscar should be sued for it (just kidding about that). And the others? Well, there was no real story behind them. One liked music, and other thought that he was funnier when he did not say a damn thing. Pretty right about that. It was obvious to me that I could not compete with any of that. Great talkers and great performers…so I was what you guys would call “a straight man”. No gags or jokes or even music to make up for things. As long as I was with my brothers, and we were a family, I did not care. Hard for some people to believe, but it’s true. I had a pretty long game plan.

*

No, I never thought about flickers…I mean, movies. See, you got an old man talking about his life and he just runs back to the words he heard when he was a younger guy and he did not have to worry about health or fiber or heart problems (real concerns for me now). We knew about them, but we never thought we’d be fighting for our survival over something you could see in a nickelodeon (man, you even know these words anymore?). Vaudeville had been around for so long… There was a tradition there and a clear path for all of the performers who were willing to work hard and hone their craft (is that the phrase?). We spent so long on those stages that we never saw it coming…

Well, I saw it coming.

I remember a tour we did. We had a long trip to California just as things were about to take off. Now, you gotta remember: it was not a big deal back then. Los Angeles was a desert town with hardly a soul on the ground. Hollywood was even less a thing then… And then, we did our tour, and I noticed how things were changing all around us. It was not our first time out there, but in one year…it was like a whole other town.

Now, I was the straight man, both on the stage and, let’s be honest, sometimes in real life. Who wants to listen to their boring brother who never gets a laugh talk about future changes and where the money was going and coming from? We had made a pretty good living. We had our act. And then, we lost it.

I really thought it was over for us when the theatres started to shut down. Money did not come in the way it did (thankful I had made some investments). All the places we were once featured in turned into “movie palaces” (heard that term too often to forget it). Same curtained stages; same music – some of the orchestras barely noticed the changes – and transitions; no sign of us.

*

Scared? Yeah, I was scared…

I was scared for my family.

Let me be honest. My heart was not completely into the comic thing. There were so many of us out there that I understood why it took us so long to get a break. I was already thinking about a dozen other ways to make a buck. I had talent with managing what little we had, but I always thought about a way to keep us going if we did not laughs. But we were lucky to come around when we did.

*

Jealous? Chaplin? Buster? Did you see how good they were? Those flicks…movies…are still masterpieces. But they knew what they were doing when they did not have to say a thing. That was what the people wanted. We were sure that we would never get a break. And then…well… Sound was a big shock to the big boys. The studios were absolutely terrified. They had to redo all the studios and figure out how they were gonna make sure everyone got heard. You should know that some of those “actors” and many of the “actresses” only had careers because of the way they looked, and how much they could ham it up on camera. They never had to memorize lines, or even really “act”. But guess who did know their lines (when we needed them)? Guess who was ready for it?

*

Again, no, I don’t feel like I missed out. By the time we got to Paramount was when I knew that I had my life mapped out. We gave them the ones that people still consider classics, and then we moved on. I became an agent; they made their movies with RKO and some other companies until they could not be taken on anymore because they were not packing them in.

Yeah, yeah, I know… My brother was popular on TV. Y’know why he did all that, right? Yeah, the Depression. No one believes me when I say it now, but I saw it coming. Of all the people not to see it heading his way, it was the great wit of our group. You’d think that one of those famous people he wrote letters to would try to set him straight. They never did.

But he had me. They all did. I kept them out of the red when things got ugly. And man, that was hard, for all of us. They had the fame; I had the money.

Not a great set up for a family.

*

No, no. I ain’t gonna answer that one. You ask me about “resolutions” and how the family “settled into old age”. What phrases and words your generation uses! We just did what we had to do, got lucky, and now have these celluloid memories and fans who won’t or can’t forget a line or phrase. Maybe it is better to be the one who helped them do what they had to do without stepping on toes.

*

Thanks, kid. I am glad you weren’t too tired when you got up here. Me, my old ticker is gonna give me pains if I don't take my meds (that secretary is a hawk on the time). Always watch your health and don't be lazy with it. You wanna stick around for a long time. As the man said, “I would not want to join any club that would not have me as a member.”

Ah, got you there, didn’t I? Everyone thinks they know what he wrote (a lot of changes to make it funny). I had some say in that.

And I think I did okay.