Perfect Misery

contains abuse and suicide

Perfect Misery

I should have known better he was perfect for me. He was so perfect for me, he was too perfect for me. In fact he was just perfect misery.

Our whole relationship was a complete lie from start to finish.

The difference between start and finish was my vision changing from completely rose tinted to crystal clear 20/20 vision.

Leaving me with the knowledge, Chester Bellamy with his intense emerald stare would have been perfect in an illusionary world of horror.

We met online like most couples these days. I’d spent months attracting the wrong kind of guy. The ones with the big red flags attached to gigantic neon signs of wrong. The instinct kicks in without ever having even met them. The one's I like to call the Arseholes, You know the ones who just have the online slime vibe.

But then there's the ones you don't see coming, the ones who confuse you. They seam sweet, wonderful and even made for you.

They do however suddenly change. Become nasty, the kind you should have known were wrong by instinct.

They hook you in like a worm attached to a fishing pole, enticing the fish who's holding on for dear life. Once it's caught, it doesn't take them long to change. But actually they were themselves all along. And just happened to be magicians with the gift of Hallucination.

***

The Rose tinted perfection

After months of no luck. I’m fed up and debating giving up completely, when I receive a very well thought out message.

‘Hello Sydney,

my name’s Chester Bellamy, I saw your profile and feel we have a lot in common. I’m hoping you’ll read mine and agree.

Though I completely understand if I’m not your type. (Here sneakily crossing my fingers, hoping you’re blown away by my profile and I’m the guy for you).

If you like what you read message back, if not best wishes and good luck on your quest for true love.

Chester’.

“Wow, someone who sounds decent. Let’s take a look at his profile, Chester Bellamy, where are you hiding Chester, a ahh. Omg Emerald green eyes, dark hair, good looking too. Hmm We both like horse-riding, nature, lazy days, moonlit walks on the beach.

No this guy can’t be real? Surely he has a whole queue of messages? Chester I’m baffled. You sound too good to be true! Wait that’s it you’re one of those fake robot profiles pretending to be my dream guy right? Syd, get your head outta the clouds girl, if it’s too good to be true it is remember? But omg what if he is real? I don’t wanna throw an opportunity like this away. I need some expert advice’

Picking up my mobile I call my best friend Zoe, almost wetting myself in anticipation of this finally being the one. 'Please let him be real, please'. (be careful what you wish for).

Zoe’s unavailable ’leave a message after the tone, I’ll get back to you soon beeeeppp…’

“Zo it’s Syd, I swear I’ve just come across my perfect match online. I need you to check him out. Tell me I’m not just dreaming, he’s the real deal. His name's Chester Bellamy 44 years old and lives close by. oh and please hurry, if my bubbles gonna burst it needs to be sooner rather than later. Ok I’m gonna shut up, give you chance to check him out, speak soon …’

Ending the call, I briefly twiddle my thumbs in anticipation. Realising Zoe isn’t going to call back in the next few seconds. Those mesmerising eyes staring at me from the screen. I impulsively reply (Biggest mistake ever).

He’s quick to respond. We chat online then over the phone for a while before deciding to meet up in person. 3 hours go past.

Looking at my mobile I’ve missed 5 calls from Zoe and some messages, I call voicemail:-

“Hi Syd it’s Zoe, I’m checking out his profile now, do you wanna call me back..”

beeeppp

“its Zo again. Please tell me you haven’t impulsively replied already? like you said he sounds too good to be true and warrants further investigation. I’m gonna see what Greg has to say speak soon…”

beeeeppp

“Zo here! You do realise your phones been engaged nearly 2 hours, hope everything's ok? I’m getting worried, call me asap...’

Beeeppp

I’m too tired to call back, but send a quick text reply.

… Hi Zo, didn’t mean to worry you. Everything's fine. I’ve just spent the last 3 hours talking to the man of my dreams. He’s perfect for me. My impulses got the better of me. oh we're meeting up on Friday. Think I’ve finally found the one Zo. I’m soooo happy speak tomorrow. night hun x

She replies instantly

… ok hun, just promise me you will be very careful on Friday. Greg hasn’t had chance to check him out yet. I knew you’d do this. Just be careful ok, night x

(That was then)

***

Zoe and me were like sisters. Her husband was a detective hence Greg checking Chester out. But I was sure he’d only find good things. We had so much in common and got along so well. I was excited to meet him in person. If there were any issues my instincts would kick in. (If only you’d listened to them).

Friday came, we met up clicking instantly. no bad instincts! Everything felt completely right with him. A fairytale experience, I’d found my prince charming. Unable to keep our hands off each other. I was completely intoxicated by him falling hard and fast.

He had the most intense stare. Making my stomach flip flop with excitement and anticipation.

When we weren’t together we texted or talked on the phone. He was almost psychic too my needs. I was the most important person in the world to him. Within a short time, I was completely addicted to him. I’d never felt like this about anyone before.

I didn’t notice how much he was starting to control my life. It was silly things like following me around, even into the bathroom. (red flag alert).

I laughed it off with him.

“I’m going to the loo Chester you don’t have to follow me. I’m not going to disappear into thin air. Go make yourself at home, I’ll be there soon”

Grabbing me into his arms and kissing my lips till they were swollen and tingling from the pressure of his own lips, he responded.

“I just can’t get enough of you Sydney, you’re completely irresistible. But you’re right! I'll be waiting on the sofa. oh I've brought champagne to celebrate us, do you have any flutes?”

“yes they’re in the end cupboard, next to the wine glasses. what are we celebrating?”

“Us of course, don't be long.”

He kissed me again and headed towards the kitchen. we'd been together 2 months and it was the perfect celebration. (Shame the fairytale ended)

***

The first crack in the rose tinted vision.

Two weeks later he shook my world in the wrong way. Our first disagreement occurred. So much more intense than any disagreement I’d ever had. (major red flag).

One minute we were joking the next I appeared to have said something to upset him. I tried calling him, he wouldn’t answer. We kept having a circular argument over me and what I'd said. It didn’t make sense, my head was spinning with confusion. Begging him to see reason, he had a complete personality change. (Nope you just ignored your own instincts).

He refused to talk to me, no matter how much I begged. He only replied by text pointing out what I’d said and where. (seriously girl!).

My heart in my throat, crying my eyes out. Trying to figure out what the hell had just happened. I stopped responding to him and cried myself to sleep.

The next morning I still felt awful. Apologising, asking if we could sort it in person. He agreed and came over.

Seeing my red puffy swollen eyes. He held my face in his hands looking at me with his deep soul searching stare. My stomach flip flopped again, my voice catching in my throat as I stuttered out “I’m really sorry” he responded softly.

“Yeah, sorry for being a Douchebag'

The next thing I knew, we were kissing and making love like the day before hadn’t occurred. (sucker).

He was in complete control, only I didn’t know it then.

***

Further cracks in the rose tinted vision

He made me feel fulfilled in every single way. Even proposed to me after 6 months, I said yes. (Why just why?)

We still had recurring arguments, always like the first, always ending with me apologising. Otherwise I’d never been so happy.

In the process Zoe and myself started to drift apart. I was seeing her differently. Chester helped me, whispering into my ear about her being jealous because we had a better relationship than her and Greg. Who hadn't been able to find anything bad about him.

Myself and Zoe falling out constantly over conflicting opinions on Chester.

She viewed him as abusive and narcissistic. Trying to show me reasons I should end things with him. (listen to your best friend before its too late).

When Chester proposed. I’d asked her to be my maid of honour. Her response.

“Of course I will. If that’s what you want hun. But don’t you think it’s a little soon to be getting married?”

“Zo I’m happier than I’ve ever been, why can’t you just be happy for me?”

“I am happy for you. I just think you should slow down a bit, what’s the rush anyway? I thought you were going to live together first?”

“We are, but he’s having trouble getting a transfer from his work to move here. Once he's sorted a transfer we will live together.” (Likely story)

“Maybe you should try going away or spending a whole week together first? He only sees you two days a week.”

“Gees Zo it’s only been 6 months give us a chance.”

“ Seems you just made my point for me Syd!” (exactly girl).

I couldn’t understand why she was being difficult about my happiness? She was my best friend. She wasn’t even happy about my engagement. That's when Chester pointed out bad things about her. (Don't listen, stupid girl).

12 months later, we fell out entirely.

I also saw less of my family and other friends. Becoming completely dependent on Chester. Drifting between begging for his attention, having circular text based arguments and being won over with bliss. 18 months in now. He was completely immersed in my side of things, included in all gatherings. Yet he was only seeing me 3/4 days a week and still hadn’t managed to get his work transfer. Ignoring me for hours or days on end. Cancelling our plans together last minute, with no expression of regret.

At one point, seeing the cracks in the rose tinted perfection. I stood up for myself. Ending with him threatening to kill himself if I left him, because he couldn’t live without me. I called him.

“Chester we can’t go on like this! Things have to improve you can’t threaten to kill yourself because things aren’t working between us. We need to be together because we love each other, not because I’m scared you’ll kill yourself. We're meant to be engaged, planning our wedding, even living together and I’m not involved with your family or friends still. I'm not invited to anything on your side. Everything’s so one sided .”

“I know Sydney. I need you. I’m working on all that, Honestly! In fact you're invited to my parents Golden wedding anniversary next Saturday. Believe me it's a really big deal. We are being taken seriously on my side. I wouldn’t have asked you to marry me if I didn’t love you would I? Come on babe don’t end us, we’re just going through a rough patch, all relationships do.” (A rough PATCH are you for real?)

“Ok fine but things have to improve Chester. This is our last chance, I can’t keep doing this, it’s draining.”

“Yeah, I’ll talk to my boss tomorrow. Just give me a chance...I’m coming over later. I actually have a surprise for you, your gonna love it”

He came over with some new sexy underwear for me. Mainly for his own pleasure. It wasn’t really my idea of a surprise. But he was still the most skilled lover I'd ever had. The next few months our relationship was like new.

He pampered me. Showered me with compliments, treating me like royalty. Made good on his promise to include me. I got on really well with his family. Again I felt like the most important person in his world. Completely in love. His intense lustful stare still made my belly flip flop.

Then our two year anniversary came and went. I wasn’t able to get hold of him about our romantic weekend plans. I just got voicemail. Beside myself with worry, until he called me.

“Why didn’t you come see me this weekend? you missed our 2 year anniversary.”

“Why didn’t I come see you? We were meant to go away together.”

That became the final circular argument we ever had. Feeling numb. I started replying ok to everything else. When he found he was arguing with himself he eventually gave up. (you can’t really argue with ok).

“You're completely out of order”

“Ok”

“What do you mean ok? I’m telling you you're in the wrong”

“Ok”

“Remember you’re the one who said we’d go away, not me”

“Ok”

“Are you gonna say anything else?”

“Ok”

“Answer me”

“Ok”

“Is that all you can say”

“Ok”

“I give up”

“Ok”

***

The bubble had burst.

I spent the next six months trying to justify being with him. Finally ending things completely, when I discovered the real gift. The gift of an STD. I was still numb and a complete stranger to myself. He’d completely sucked and drained my own personality from me.

***

The crystal clear perfection.

Something inside me clicked. I saw him for what he really was. An actor, a lier, a cheat, a manipulator, an illusionist, maybe even the narcissist Zoe, had warned me he was. (Took you long enough).

All along he’d given me nothing but grief. Twisting everything I said, making himself the innocent one. Made sure he was treated like a real partner, while treating me like an afterthought and I'd let him. (Don’t be too hard on yourself you just wanted things real).

I'd lost my best friend and more importantly myself. Sure he’d never hit me. But he’d fucked with me mentally and emotionally the whole time we were together. He had me believing I was always in the wrong, never himself. Gradually chipped away my self belief. Even laughed in my face, while treating me like shit. He may not have beaten me up physically”. But he’d left plenty of bruises, mental and emotional scars.

Desperate to figure out where my instincts had been with Chester Bellamy. Over the next 3 years all I could do was watch our relationship unravel. Reliving it, to make sense from it all. Find the good we'd had? Seeing it through crystal clear vision. Noticing there’d never been any good, only ever the initial fantasy. That shattered after that first fallout near the beginning. Impacting me to grasp at straws of the brief fantasy world he'd initially created to revive it. Wondering why I hadn’t seen it for what it was? Only seeing the reality now it was over. Knowing if he'd really loved me I shouldn’t of had to beg for attention (Exactly hun).

The more I rewound my memories. I realised he’d never even cared about me, let alone loved me. He’d actually never once, in the whole of our relationship apologised to me. Even the first one, was in truth a twisted un-apology.

I’d genuinely said I was sorry. He'd agreed I was wrong, while insulting me.

‘Yeah, sorry for being a Douchebag’

Not

‘I’m sorry for being a Douchebag’

Noticing this I acknowledged my instincts were there all along. Searching through old photo's. I came across one of him staring directly at me. It wasn't my instincts, but my perception of the flip flop feeling at the time. That sexy emerald intense stare of his, now had a sinister look of twisted hatred. That same flip flop feeling, I recognised as my instincts trying to warn me.

'Be careful. His eyes are soulless. You're in danger get away. Run before its too late'.

In my belief of having found the one I’d read that same feeling as excitement or lust. (Never ignore your instincts hunny).

Reminiscing, there were so many things about him that were the complete opposite of what I wanted in a man. Somehow he'd found a way to make me believe I had wanted those things? It was only in my disillusionment I could see the truth. (we all search for true love sweetie)

He wasn't looking deep into my soul. He was sucking my soul from me. Like a vampire draining someone's blood until they're on the verge of death. Then bringing them back long enough to tease them. A cat with a mouse.

In the end the mouse, you the victim, succumb to the inevitability of complete death, or at the very least a secured torturous tormented future.

***

Time to repair things

I got back in touch with Zoe. She was glad to hear Chester was gone. We’ve seen each other a few times but it’s not the same and never will be.

All because;

I should have known better, he was perfect for me. He was so perfect for me, he was too perfect for me.

In fact he was just perfect misery.

The End