A One-Of-a-Kind Friendship

What the hell is happening?

12 years of friendship down the drain? How does that even happen? No warning, no goodbye, no explanation…Poof, just gone! 

Sam and I had met at a work function in 2004 and immediately just clicked. We lived in different cities but worked together daily, interacting via phone or internet. Our work relationship blossomed into friendship and when our jobs changed, we stayed in constant contact. I was 20 something, in a new city, my family halfway across the country and my then relationship was a bit of a mess. Sam was 30 something, married with a young son and very close with her family. She was always checking in on me, often inviting me to spend the holidays with her and her family. We exchanged Christmas and Birthday cards. She had quickly become my dearest friend.

In early 2005, my job had changed, and I was required to travel 75% of the time, which didn't help my already rocky relationship. It was necessary, as I was determined to land the next big promotion. By mid-March though, the constant travel was starting to take its toll. Things between my girlfriend and I had escalated, and I asked her to leave. She would not accept that it was over between us and refused to leave. Winter seemed to be dragging on and on and I was in a depressed state. During a phone call, Sam could tell that something was up with me, though I didn't really discuss the intricate details of my home life. Worried, she called me later that evening and just was there which was very sweet. Something I'll never forget. By late March, I had received my final travel assignment and it was only going to be a couple of hours from Sam's hometown. It had been many months since we hung out in person, so I invited her to visit. She graciously accepted and was looking forward to having a girl’s weekend.

When she was on her way, she called, and we talked during her entire drive and I met her in the parking lot, still on the other end of the line. I greeted her with the biggest hug, as it was so nice to see a friendly face. We take familiarity, genuine care and concern for granted and really only notice that when we’re surround by unfamiliar faces. 

It was bitterly cold and windy, typical for upper New York in the spring. We hurriedly grabbed her bags and headed inside. Once we got her settled in her room, we made plans to meet up in an hour for dinner and drinks. 

We went to a quaint little Italian restaurant, ate some delicious food and shared a couple of bottles of wine. During our conversation Sam asked if I was ok. She had sensed something was off with me and I told her that these travel assignments had really taken a toll on me. Not only was it exhausting but it had been hard on my home life, as well. I was in the middle of a messy break up and this never-ending winter was just hard. She was sorry to hear that I was going through that and asked why I hadn't mentioned it before.

"It's complicated."

"Aren't all relationships complicated?"

"Yeah, but... "

"If it makes you feel any better, my relationship is messy too… most days I feel like I'm just going through the motions for my son."

Both a little teary eyed

I said "All the more reason to enjoy a time out" smiling

"For sure!"

Our conversation veered away from our relationships, and we lost track of time catching up and getting to know one another on an even deeper level.

On the way back to the hotel, I mentioned that a few of our work people may still be at the bar by the hotel and asked if she wanted to stop in for a night cap. "Sure" she said.

I introduced Sam to the group, at least the few that she didn't already know. We both ordered another glass of wine and got caught up in all the shop talk. At one point, I noticed that Sam wasn't really engaging in the conversation and as I looked over at her my eyes caught hers and we got caught up in this gaze. I literally felt like a lightning bolt was lighting me up from the inside out and soon her eyes softened, and she flashed the sweetest smile. I felt myself smile back but my head was swirling.

What the hell is happening? Does she feel this too? Why are we still here with these people? 

I looked back over at the group and then looked back at her; she was still smiling. I wrapped up my conversation and announced that I was ready to call it a night. Sam agreed and we walked back to the hotel. I was fumbling for words and making uncomfortable small talk. My energy felt heavy and worrisome. As we got into the elevator, I felt drawn to her like a magnet. We both were unusually quiet. The elevator stopped on my floor, and I awkwardly said "Well, this is me…I'm so glad that we got to hang out" hugging her tightly. As I started to step out of the elevator, she grabbed my hand and pulled me back toward her. "Me too" she said hugging me again. As our hug broke we kissed. 

Both stunned, the elevator closed with me still in there. The elevator opened on her floor, and she grabbed me by the hand and pulled me behind her. 

Once inside her room, she asked "Are you Ok? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to… "

"No, no, no… please don't be sorry. And you didn't do anything… "

"I don't know why…"

"Sam… it's ok."

"But I don't know what came over me" tears streaming down her cheeks

"Best kiss ever" I said smiling

She let out a tearful giggle "It must've been the wine"

"Maybe… but I'm serious, BEST KISS EVER” Hugging her again.

As I pulled away she intentionally kissed me again.

"You’re right! Best ever!" Sam said

"I should go"

"Please stay. I have to leave early and if you go, I may not see you tomorrow."

I was hesitant but said "For a bit… I don't want either of us to wake up tomorrow with a wine induced hangover regretting this night."

She handed me shorts and a t-shirt and said let's have a slumber party, get comfortable. She changed into her pajamas and flipped on the TV. Come sit, lets watch a movie and then you can go back to your room. How about 'How to lose a guy in 10 days'?"

"I love that movie"

"Good me too, come sit with me"

As I sat back against the headboard, she moved closer moving my arm so that it was wrapped around her as she snuggled up to me. We laughed and soon she was asleep. When the movie was over I tried to move out from under her so she could lie down, and I could go back to my room. As I took a step away, she said "Ally, please don't go…"

I was torn, not really understanding what was going on.

"Please…"

"OK" getting back into bed. She snuggled up in my arms and I kissed her forehead. My head was still swimming.

Friends sleep in the same room sometimes. I mean, I share a room with colleagues sometimes, no big deal. Good friends sometimes share a bed. What is this though? I didn't see this coming.

The next morning, I woke up alone in her room with her necklace wrapped around my hand. I smiled knowing that this was special and may never happen again, but we were ok. 

Things went back to normal for both of us. I got the promotion and then a big congratulatory bouquet of pink flowers with a card that read 'Congrats to my one-of-a-kind friend. Love you, Sam'. It gave me pause and then it made me smile. She certainly held a very special place in my heart.

Then life got busy, break-ups, divorces, moves, job changes, new relationships and we kind of lost track of each other, until one day, several years later, when my phone rang and it was Sam on the other end. A mutual friend had passed away reminding both of us just how fragile and short life is. We promised each other that we would do better. We would keep in regular contact again. 

We kept that promise but it wasn't without issue. There was always this push and pull between us. Close then distant again. It was all very hard. I had some health scares and then when my mother passed, and I began to question life itself. Why this and why that? And I questioned the relationships of my life, and I was in a place where I wanted more from her and I told her I wanted us to be 'real' friends. 

And she responded with "We are real friends"

"I know but I mean like the kind of friends who hang out together, visit each other, go on trips, etc"

And she never responded. It's been over 5 years and I haven't heard a single word from her. I'll be honest, it has made me a little crazy. I've revisited that night over and over and over again, trying to find the error. It's prompted a lot of soul searching and life trauma healing but it's a pain that just won't go away. If we could've just been honest about our feelings way back then or anywhere along the way, maybe, just maybe we could've avoided this heartbreak.