Can I have your life, please?

“Before thinking that you have depression, check your surroundings and see if there are toxic people or situations in your life which drag you down”

***

"Hey, can you look over my assignment please?"

I have seen her around before, but we were never best friends up until very recently. We went out for coffee last week, which was entirely by chance, and instantly became pals. There was something entirely eccentric about her persona and I was magically drawn to her, the way a small piece of metal is drawn to a magnet.

There is nothing unusual therefore about her asking me for help, and in fact I am thrilled at the idea that she trusts my expertise in essay writing (seeing as I am an English student). Besides, I have always been the helper type in most of my relationships with others. Tonight, I put aside my own tasks and dedicate my time to a friend in need. It is an act of service which is meant to show my genuine investment into the relationship, and after all, is that not what friends are for?   

***

"Hey, can you tutor my sister?"

I have told her about my tutoring experience early on and we discussed me potentially helping her sister with simple tasks such as reading and writing. Her sister has some serious mental health problems, and although I am not willing to go into details, the issue is a major one to prevent her from keeping up with the curriculum of the school. I have mentioned that I might not be qualified as I have no prior experience working with such students,  yet my heart just melts at the thought that this little girl is going through so much trouble just trying to learn. There are no proper resources for her at school and the family is not so financially well off to afford a real specialist. In my head, this request sounds like a plea for help that comes from a deeper sense of trust which her and I have developed over the past few weeks. I consider my own love for kids and teaching and decide to give this a try, so I agree.

The only minor problem is that now I must figure out when I will do my own assignments as the semester is rolling in steadfast and the workload is becoming heavier by the day. 

I feel a sudden uneasiness about agreeing and a not-so-bright thought goes through my mind as I think about the last few weeks and my low levels of energy. I wonder why I have been feeling so tired and unmotivated with my classes and the multiple instances where I was feeling a weird dark energy out of nowhere in particular. I do not have enough time to entertain this idea it quickly passes away. In the end, I make up my mind to proceed with my initial decision with the reasoning that a little sacrifice of myself will be an honourable thing to do, will it not?

***

"Hey, I’m lonely tonight. It’s 2 years to the day since my father left my family. Can you sleepover at my place?"

I have plenty friends who have no father, but her emotional response makes it seem all the more traumatic. Her father didn’t just leave, he cheated with another woman and left three females, his wife, my teenage friend and her toddler sister, stranded all alone. I can see the hurt in her eyes sometimes, especially when I accidentally mention my own father. It has not been that long since and she often talks about her father before the rupture. I listen very carefully to all her stories and try my best to be supportive, but lately the memories of her dad have seeped too deep into my own being and I can feel my own heart bleed in pain for her. Some days I really wish that she would spare me from the torment, but I know that telling her would risk a heartbreak. In the end, I decide to not think about it too much because being a friend is being accepting of the other person’s dark moments. After all, friends should always be there for each other in rain and sunshine, no?

I have had sleepovers before, but this one is drastically different. Because she is the one feeling down, we agree that it’s “her night” and she chooses the movie. I know how much she is obsessed with this one in particular and try my hardest to avoid voicing my annoyance at her pausing it every few seconds as she explains what happens and makes sure I am on track. I never watched it before and would rather just listen to the actual actors not her voice which begins to come off as patronizing. By the second hour, her passion becomes so hot that the flames spread through my unfocused mind like a forest fire burning down all possibility for logical reasoning. With the little mental energy I have left spared from the natural disaster, I tell her nicely to stop talking, but she gets offended and starts crying. I try to explain myself, sadly the task proves futile because my words come out as disconnected blurbs with no meaning and she becomes even more upset. I leave the topic, but after ten minutes ask to go home because I am not feeling well. She lets me go, although without some convincing of me to stay. I go home feeling burned down and guilty for not just sucking it up. Am I a bad friend?

***

"Hey, I had a huge fight with my mom, can we go outside for a bit?"

I have a midterm tomorrow and I really need to do well on this one because I have skipped on most of the previous assignments. I tell her I can’t go out, but I make a promise to talk about it the next day. She gets very angry and hangs up. More so from the shock of her suddenly disconnecting the call than her anger, I feel a sudden numbness take over my body. Have I angered her? Why is she upset? I should study- my mind is unfocused again. For a split moment, the rational part of my brain is telling me that there is clearly a problem with her behaviour, but my emotions quickly take over and a sudden feeling of guilt creeps into my mind. The next hour drags on for an eternity whilst my brain is having an internal meltdown trying to adjust back to reality but with little success. How could I hurt her like that? Why did I say no? Is some test really a priority over a friend who is in time of need? I call her multiple times until I finally get through and we decide to go out.

She vents and I listen. She cries, and I put my shoulder down for her to cry on. She yells at me, and I become the vessel of her anger. After a night of her emotional meltdown which started with the initial "mom problem" and ends with her disappointment in me, I finally get to go home.

As I walk into my room, I feel that my energy has been sucked away and I go to sleep without touching any of my books.

The next day I wake up with a migraine and realize I cannot focus. I go to my exam anyway and try my best to do what I can. As I go home, the still sane part of my mind makes a rational decision be more assertive and voice my concern over spending too much time with her at my own expense.

We get into a big fight over this and it leaves me feeling broken and guilty again for wanting to leave her when she was miserable. Am I doing the right thing to help her while hurting myself? A bitter feeling inside me is growing and I can feel the darkness overtaking my existence.

I decide to take a little break from her and see what happens.

***

"Haven’t seen you in a bit, can we go for ramen? I will pay!"

I made plans to go see my friend in another town for a few days. We have not seen each other since the end of summer and have really missed each other. The timing is perfect because we both have reading week. The idea of going to see her is refreshing and I am looking forward to this trip as a little child is looking forward to their birthday, or Christmas. The excitement fills me up with new energy and I feel a lot happier than I have in the last months.

I get the invitation to go out with her when I am on the subway car heading downtown to do some pre-trip shopping. I tell her about me going away and ask about going out later. Expectedly, she lashes back with burning rage.I ignore her messages while I do my errands, but as soon as I come home the rage erupts further and continues. The fight lasts about two hours and the unfairness of the situation boils my blood until I scream into my phone and turn it off. It’s about one in the morning and naturally my scream is heard by my mom who comes in yelling at me for being loud. I don’t even bother to talk back and just run out of my home like a thunderbolt. My legs carry me to the one haven where I know I can find some peace: the playground in the park.

I sit on the swings and try to relax. It takes a lot of mental energy to cool down my boiling body, but with the crisp night air and total darkness, this task proves to be a lot easier than I imagined. My mind clears up a bit and goes into a reminiscence mod. I suddenly miss my old friends, the ones with whom we had a huge fight some months back over something very trivial. As I sit in total silence, I try to figure out the answers to these questions: Why was I so angry? Why is there so much negativity in my life? I was happy once, what happened?

***

"I don’t want you to get this job and I hope you won’t make it. I want to spend more time with you this summer, and this job will just take you away from me. Can you please say no?"

These are the words I hear from her when I tell her about the summer job I applied for at my university. This job would require me to stay on campus for most of the summer. Of course I would have breaks and opportunities to see my friends and family. She did not seem to understand this bit at all despite me clarifying multiple times. It seems that she has finally figured out that I have been trying to escape her web and is now pulling on the ropes tighter, but the tighter she pulls the more I struggle.

This declaration spells out  “control freak” loud and clear to me as the realization that she is no friend of mine becomes as evident as the fact that two and two is four. In front of my eyes I see not her but a life-sucking vampire who has been taking away all the joy out of my life since I decided to help her because of some imagined friendship. I am finally thinking more clearly and the clouds of darkness are beginning to dissipate from my poisoned mind.

I know what I need to do: it’s time for an exorcism and cleansing of my body and soul from all this toxicity. There will be no more subtle resistance and no more mercy in this final siege of what has been mine this whole time but has been rudely snatched away from me: my own life.

I spend that night digging out all the stuff she’s ever given me, these tokens of her friendship that have suffocated my body and soul for the past two years. The task proves to be quite satisfying and for the first time in a long time I feel energized to keep cleaning out all this dirt from my room and only at the first ray of sunlight do I realize that I have worked tediously right through the night. This morning, the pastel coloured sunrise looks especially magnificent and I could feel joy coming back into my veins and filling me up from my toes all the way to my brain. I put the last piece of item of hers in the garbage bag and fly downstairs to throw it out. I feel so light and free I’m almost convinced I metamorphosed into a bird this lovely spring morning.

I finish off my morning by blocking her on social media and my phone. I am not even scared for her to notice, heck I want her to notice! I want her to know she no longer has control over my precious life.

***

Several weeks pass until I hear a knock on the door and see her face in the little hole. I hesitate to open, and my body starts to tremble with fear, but my family is home and so are my three friends with whom I made up last week. We are having a welcome back party for me after my normal self being gone to a land of darkness on a two-year trip.

“Can I have you back? I miss you!”

“No, you can’t. Goodbye.”

I shut the door so quickly the slam sounds like a grenade exploding. There, I have done it! The friendship has finally officially died and exploded to little pieces right in front of my eyes. It is a beautiful sight and I feel relieved.

I hear her sobbing on the other side. Then she begins yelling and saying some horrible things. I pay no attention and just go back to the party where I feel the energy of love, peace and joy flowing through the sunshine filled room.

I am back, I am happy!