The Weight of Love

*Content Note: This story contains themes of alcoholism, abuse, and car accidents. Please read with care.*

The paramedic shined a pen light at my eyes, checking for signs of a concussion.

"Sweetie, can you tell me what happened?" His calm green eyes crinkled around the edges with faint laughter lines, and if it weren't for the red and blue pulsating emergency lights, I could have imagined myself leaning in to kiss him. But this was not the time and he was not the one. I threw a nervous glance at my mother, who shivered on the curb a few feet away, spluttering nonsense. The woman tending to her draped a thin blanket over her shoulders and gave me a knowing glance. Disgust, cold and slimy as eels, swirled in my belly and I looked away from her before I could say something I'd regret.

"Charlie,” the paramedic called me back. “I know you've been through a scary thing but I need you to try and tell me what happened so I can help you. Can you tell me how old you are?"

Pushing all thoughts of stolen moonlight kisses and drunken mothers away, I swallowed and winced at the pain. I didn’t remember screaming, but my throat sure was keeping the score.

"Thirteen," I admit, heat climbing up my neck and blossoming on my cheeks. "But I'll be fourteen in two months."

"Well, Ms. Charlie, wanna tell me what happened? What are you and your mama doing out on the roads at this time of night?"

On a school night.

He didn't say it, but I could feel the unspoken judgement hanging in the air between us. Commotion at the curb pulled my attention back to my mother, who had just puked in the gutter, and in that moment, I almost betrayed her. But where would that leave us?

More lights, then the sound of two doors slamming. A pretty officer with a tight black bun walked over and greeted my savior before squatting down in front of me.

"Hi, Charlie. Can I call you Charlie?" She didn't wait for a reply before steamrolling ahead. "I know it's been a tough night, but can you help me and everyone else here understand how the car hit the tree? Can you tell me what happened?" Her voice was soft, but laced with razor wire, eager to taste blood.

This was it. I knew what I needed to say and I couldn’t stall any longer, even though I’d never been more terrified in my entire life. I looked at my paramedic and silently begged him to tell her I couldn’t talk now. That I’d had a huge shock and her questions could wait. I looked at the cop, squatting in front of me with the hungry smile of a wolf about to feast. I looked to my mother to jump in and save me, but she was surrounded by her own buzzing team of paramedics and cops. So I closed my eyes and wished I had been thrown through the windshield. If I were dead, or even just in a coma, nobody would have been able to ask me what happened. When I opened my eyes again, the weight of everyone's stares took my breath away, but I screwed my courage up and did what needed to be done.

"It was me. I crashed the car." My voice shook and I hoped she'd assume I was afraid of getting in trouble instead of lying through my teeth.

"Did you, now?" She arched a carefully manicured eyebrow and cocked her head a little. "And what were you doing driving this time of night? You're not even old enough for a learner's permit."

This was a question my mother never prepared me for, so I said the first thing that popped into my head.

"I'm not, ma'am. But Mama says it's good for me to practice with her even when it's late, so I'll know how to drive when I'm tired."

"Hmm-kay. So you and your mom were having a driving lesson at one thirty on a Tuesday morning when you should have been home, sound asleep?"

My heart hammered in my ears and my lips and fingers went numb. A shiver ran through my body and tears filled my eyes. Talking without crying was impossible so I just nodded and covered my face with my hands instead.

"And is it common for your mother to take you out for driving lessons when she's been drinking?"

I willed lightning to strike me dead on the spot. For a UFO to shine its bright light on me and beam me up. For the earth to open up and swallow me whole. Maybe if I pretended to faint, they'd throw me in the ambulance and rush me to the hospital and I wouldn't have to have this conversation. But there would never be aliens or lightning coming to my rescue. It was all up to me. Taking a deep breath, I pulled my head from my hands and forced myself to sit up tall and steady my voice.

"Oh, she hardly ever drinks and never when we go driving. But," I sighed to hide the fact that I had no idea what to say next.

"But what, Charlie?"

"Brian broke up with Mama tonight and she was so upset about it that she had a couple of drinks. She was crying and crying and I didn’t know what to do. I guess I thought if I could make her take me driving it would distract her and she'd feel better. I didn’t even think about how she’d been drinking, I just kept at her until she finally gave in to shut me up."

She and my handsome paramedic exchanged a look I couldn't read so I kept the words coming, hoping I'd somehow spin a story believable enough to get us home. Not that we had a car to get there anymore.

"I mean, I knew it was probably a bad idea. It was late and she was so sad, but I figured I could cheer her up if I could just get her out of the house. All of this was my fault. I made Mama come out. I insisted she let me drive. And the next thing I know, here I am. Talking to you."

"You're certain you were driving? You're not trying to protect anyone, are you?"

The flashing lights made the world go all tilty. A few feet away, my mother let loose a string of words that would get the snot beat out of me if I said them. I thought about my little brother, hugging his teddy bear, Yellow Jacket, and sucking his thumb in his sleep--totally oblivious to being home all alone in the middle of the night. I had to make sure Mama got back before he woke up in a few hours.

Clasping my hands tightly in my lap, I tried to force the world back into focus. "No, ma’am. My mama didn’t raise no liar. I swear, it’s all my fault."