Driving Forward

I had a nightmare about it last night. In my dream Mom was driving us home from out of town when she suddenly passed out while driving. I was sitting next to her in the passengers’ seat and had to take control of the car while leaning over her prone body. Somehow, I managed to stop the car without getting all of us killed.

In this dream cell phones were not a thing. I had three of my younger siblings in the back of the car. It was dark and no one was going to see us. I had no choice. I had to move my Mother into the passengers’ seat and drive the car home. Once I was there Dad would take her to the hospital.

In my dream I did just that. I moved her over, sat in the driver’s seat, and turned the car on. I put the car into drive, and hit the gas peddle. The car engine revved. It lurched forward, and I hit the break peddle.

I hazarded a look behind me and saw fear etched on all of my siblings faces. I had to do it. Setting my chin, I hit the gas peddle again, this time with more care and eased the car off of the shoulder and onto the road.

In my dream I was a bad driver but managed to get all of us home in one piece. I woke up in a sweat.

At this point in my life my two older siblings had started driving. I was sixteen and knew that my time was coming. I was both excited about the prospect, and terrified. Excited because it was a big step into achieving grown up status. Terrified because I had been in accidents before when the only reason the accident had happened was because both parties hadn’t been watching the road the way they should have been.

Dad had promised to take me driving this morning. I knew that meant that it might be in a few weeks before he actually got around to it. There was, however, the chance that he actually meant this morning. This morning I was going to sit in the other seat, I was going to turn the key, and I would drive. In my dream I had a hard time driving straight, and had a hard time keeping the car the same speed. I was certain that it would be the same in real life. Nothing worth having is easy, I told myself. Change means growth, and growth is always good.

I managed to calm my racing heartbeat at this time and got up. I tried to act like I didn’t just give myself a huge adrenaline rush that was completely prompted by something that didn’t even happen. I didn’t want remind Dad, hoping that he would remember all by himself. He would remember, and I would learn to drive.

 I ate my oatmeal this morning, pretending I didn’t detest it with every fiber of my being. I focused on chewing the lumps that threatened to make me gag, and making sure that there was enough brown sugar coating on each bite to make the whole bowl doable. Dad sat down and began eating.

I listened closely to every word he said. Weather, maybe he was eluding to driving? The news - there was a radio in the car, maybe he wanted to listen to the radio while driving? Maybe he wanted to listen to the radio while driving down the road looking at the sky. Was he perhaps remembering that he promised to teach me how to drive? I hunched on the edge of my seat, chewing my lumpy oatmeal in trepidation. Finally, Dad looked at me.

“Are you ready to go driving this morning?”

“Yes sir!”

My oatmeal didn’t taste so bad, even though it was still close to unpalatable. I washed the breakfast dishes and waited for Dad to announce that he was ready to take me.

When he was ready, we went to the car. I sat in the passenger’s seat like normal, but there was an unusual lump in my belly. It was a mixture of excitement and fear that I would mess up so badly that he would never want to take me driving ever again. I watched Dad closely as he started the car, a movement that I had seen him do a million times, but soon I would be the one doing it. I tried to remember the direction that he turned it. Thankfully Dad read my mind, and smiled.

“Okay, I’m going to drive us to a gravel road that I know is usually pretty empty. Once we are there we will switch seats. I need you to promise to obey everything that I tell you to do, as soon as I tell you. When you are driving a car, you have the life of everyone in the car with you, and everyone around you in your hands. That’s why you need to make sure you listen.”

“Yes Dad.”

“Good. When you are starting the car, you turn the key away from you. Once you hear it engage, let go of the key and let it do its thing. We need to go backwards, so we need to move this, which is called a gear shift, to the R position. Now all I’m doing is letting my foot off of break slowly to back out of the driveway.”

I nodded and watched as he did that.

“An important thing to remember when driving backwards is that you turn the steering wheel in the opposite direction that you want to go, see?”

He continued narrating as he drove to the spot where he wanted us to go.

“Now it your turn. I’m going to put the car into park, and turn off of the car.” He handed me the keys, “Its time to switch seats.”

I stood and got out of the car; the keys clutched tightly in my hand. I did not want to drop them and my heart was pounding so loudly that I almost said that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to drive. That was safer. But I didn’t need to be safer, I needed to drive.

You can’t go forwards without change, and there is always growing pains, I told myself as I walked around the front of the parked car and settled myself in the driver’s seat. This is where I need to be, this is what I need to learn.

I adjusted the seat and the mirrors with my Dad’s direction, and took a deep breath. I turned the key, and the motor roared into life. Carefully keeping my foot on the break, I took the car out of the park position and into Drive. Then I slowly touched the gas. I was going forward.