Don't Give Up

Lily looked up at the grocery list dangling from a thin magnet on the fridge.

Milk

Bread

Granola bars

Coffee

Creamer

Ray would have to take care of those things. He almost never did the shopping, but she had other plans this week. She couldn't be distracted with trivial things.

She could hear her daughters playing in the next room. She closed her eyes. Were they actually playing nice?

Talking

Giggling

Stomping

Running

Screaming

Shrieking

Fighting

Crying

No. Of course they weren't.

“Please stop. Mommy has a headache.” She called from the next room.

The noise didn't stop. But it never did. In fact, it would escalate even more until Lily’s voice was hoarse from yelling. The end result was always the same: the three of them standing there, faces wet with tears. Then the apologizing began. Lily always apologized, but eventually this damage would be irreversible. Her kids would resent her. She was failing.

She looked down at her notebook sitting on the table. She had always been one for making lists. Some might think this particular list she was working on was strange, but anyone who knew Lily would understand. She wanted everything to be taken care of just so. She'd deliberately left the list untitled.

Medication

Babysitter

Letter

Legal matters

Tie up loose ends she scrawled in smooth, black ink.

That felt ambiguous enough. In case:

1.Ray became suspicious.

2. Her daughter who had begun to read stumbled upon it.

3. Anyone dared to stop her.

She flipped the page. At the top she wrote Pros. She picked up her pen and began writing again.

Sleep (finally!)

Ok so it's not exactly sleep, but still, she thought. Rest?

No more Mom Rage

No more pressure to be perfect

No more judgment from others

No more money problems

No more failure

Lily sighed and turned the page again, this time writing Cons.

This list would be much shorter, if one line counted as a list at all.

She couldn't stop her hand from trembling as she wrote:

My babies would grow up without their mom

It was a funny thing, wasn't it? The very cause of most of her stresses, her lingering postpartum depression, her insecurities, were also her reason to live. They’d been her reason to keep going. They were the reason she got out of bed each day, but also the reason she wanted to stay curled up in it. She was only human. How much was she supposed to take? How many medications did she have to be on? (She was up to 8 and none of them worked.) She'd even failed at medication. To ensure she wouldn't rethink things, Lily wrote at the top of the next page: Failures

Job

Being a stay at home mom (she underlined this one twice, as she thought it was her biggest failure of them all.)

Money

Kids

Therapy

Meds

My parents

Her thoughts were interrupted.

“Mommy, can I have a snack?” Her 2 year old’s pleading eyes looked up at her.

“I will get you some celery with raisins and peanut butter, Sweetie.”

This answer seemed to suffice, because the child’s eyes lit up as she turned and scurried away.

Lily turned to the fridge to grab the celery. Opening the package, she broke off 3 stalks with a satisfying snap and rinsed them in the sink.

Wash celery

Chop celery

Add peanut butter

Add raisins

She thought to herself. What a simple recipe for “ants on a log.”

Simple, yes, but something Ray would never make the girls. He wouldn't even know what they were talking about. Ants on a log didn't sound very appetizing. She would write it down for him.

“Mira! Your snack!”

The little girl ambled in to grab the plate, taking with her the sippy cup of water Lily had filled.

“Tank you, Mama.”

Lily smiled. “Share with your sister, please.”

Mira frowned before walking into the other room.

Quickly, Lily grabbed her notebook and pen and wrote the recipe for ants on a log. One less thing for Ray to worry about when she was gone. One less thing…

Her mood swings

Her nagging

Her lack of motivation

Surely those were three less things Ray would need to worry about.

The days she just wanted to lay on the couch while the heaps of laundry piled up.

The days her and the kids ate cereal for dinner while he had to fend for himself because he hated cereal.

The days where he'd been stuck at work and came home, only to be stuck at home.

Important passwords:

Online banking- MiraCora1224

Cora’s School login- f6c167j GlassomElementary1

Credit card- ltj@gmail.com

MiraCora1224&@#

She copied the passwords from her phone. They'd be nice and organized this way.

Lily got up to grab her purse. It will be useful to have my checkbook already out. Ray will need to pay the funeral home.

She reached in blindly, feeling around for the shape of her checkbook.

Keys

Wallet

Lip balm

Pen

Packet of tissues

Instead, she grabbed on to a little booklet. Fishing it out, she saw it was a small, spiral bound notebook with a black cover. She opened the first page. Staring back at her was a picture of herself, jaggedly cut around the edges and pasted into the center. It was a formal headshot she'd had done for her job profile a few years ago. Underneath it, written in magenta colored pencil, was the word “Mommy.” She turned the page.

“How do we love thee? Let us count the ways.”

Mommy is kind

Mommy is pretty

Mommy is smart

Mommy loves us

Mommy plays with us

Mommy cooks good food

Mommy is our favorite

Mommy is the best

There's nobody like our Mommy! We don't know what we'd do without you. We love you!

Love, Cora and Mira

Hand drawn hearts and pasted pictures dappled page after page as she turned them and read the list. The list of what her kids loved about her. The very kids she thought would be better off without her. The kids she loved with all her heart, even when they saw her at her worst.

“Hey! Where did you find that?”

Ray had come home.

“It was in my purse.”

“Of course it was. You weren't supposed to get that until Mother's Day next week. They made it for you. What do you think?”

Lily felt her eyes welling with tears. She put her hand to her mouth to stifle her sobs.

“I love it.” She managed to choke out.

Ray hugged her..

“Wow. I'm so glad you like it. Is it possible to pretend you didn't see it? Mira must have dropped it in there. She was helping to glue pictures. The girls really wanted it to be a surprise for Mother's Day.”

Lily nodded, her face fresh with tears.

“I didn't realize it would get you so emotional. You know they love you.”

Lily handed the notebook over. Ray walked to the fridge, glancing at the list.

“Almost out of coffee? You never let us run out. Are you going to the store soon?”

Lily smiled.

“I plan on going tomorrow, actually.”

“I knew it had to be soon. You're always on top of those things. You really are the glue, Lil. I'm gonna go hide this. Remember, you never saw it.”

“I never saw it.”

As Ray walked upstairs, Lily went over to the table, to her lists. She opened the notebook to a fresh page and wrote:

Moving forward:

New Meds

More therapy

Breathing exercises

She tore out the previous

pages and ripped them up. Then she opened to the end of the notebook and wrote one final page.

You are loved

Your children love you unconditionally

Don't give up

Don't ever give up.