Sincerely Yours

7th August 2018

My dearest old friend,

Hi, I am writing to you, wow.

Did not think I would ever have the courage to write to you or be brave enough to try to reconnect. This is surreal, out of the ordinary may be even out of place. Can you really blame me for thinking I can only talk to you when shit gets real? Probably. But I don’t know Aisha, I really don’t know what to do. My world feels wrong right now as if it is burning down to ashes. The Earth is shivering beneath me, preying on me to fall and be absolved.

I am sorry I am being dramatic, guess you would think I haven’t changed. You probably would be right, but in some ways, wrong too.

Do I even make sense here? Should I restart? 

I wish I could restart, redeem myself, maybe forget all of it, and be friends again as different people (easier for me to say).

Do you remember Irfan? He has cancer. He told me today. I don’t know Aisha. He said he has some kind of cancer, it’s bad he said, he will start chemo next week. I don’t understand how it can be. I want to punch someone; I want to scream. Been walking for 5 hours now, ever since I left his place. Been crying, feeling guilty, I am afraid, I don’t know how to be. Been walking aimlessly for so long.

Aisha the only thought that distracted me from Irfan was you, I just felt you whisper in my ears, like we used to back in class. Made me smile. Made me forget, and reminded me to breathe.

Plus, listening to our old playlist probably does help. The best thing we ever did. It's honestly still the most perfectly curated list.

I thought I could call you. but talking on the phone would mean that I would cry, and you probably have a new number by now, maybe. Plus, you had blocked me out from your socials.

Therefore, a letter. Something new, perhaps. But you would probably not get this letter. Who sends out letters these days anyways. It’s stupid. 

I am hyper-ventilating and don’t know if this is right. I feel creepy and desperate writing this.

I am sorry if you receive this. I just miss you, I guess.

Sincerely Yours,

Saeed.

Can we be strangers again?

24th August 2018

Dear Saeed,

I am heartbroken to hear about Irfan, I hope he is healthy. The Irfan I remember is strong and brave, I will pray he fights this off. I can’t imagine how his family must be coping right now. Irfan will be in my prayers. Give him my best wishes. He will be better soon, don’t you worry.

I am incredibly sorry I couldn’t get to you sooner, I was out of town for vacation. But I was delighted to hear from you after all these years. You haven’t changed a bit, have you?

You still have the same way of writing half-gibberish, tasking others to decipher. Well, it was endearing, nonetheless.

Do you really listen to that playlist often? I lost my SD card with the old mobile. Link me to the playlist ASAP, would love to analyze my terrible taste in music from back then. Ah! Nostalgia, I will hate it.

And don’t feel guilty about the past, what good that is going to bring? We were kids back then, hormonal children. Let all that be history.

Oh! And I think Faiqa will be in town by next week, Let’s reunite the old gang, let me know as soon as this reaches you. Let’s plan something?

PS. My number is the same and have friend-requested you on Facebook.

Will call Irfan today.

Remember to breathe.

Take care,

Stranger.

9th February 2020

Hi Aisha,

I know you don’t want me in your life anymore, been given so many chances at redemption that I myself can agree I don’t deserve you. I didn’t deserve your forgiveness back in 2018, Hell I did not even deserve to be with you back when we were kids. You have been kind and forgiving, gracious and loving.

I hate myself for hurting you again. 

Spending time with you, texting, and meeting up with you was everything. I have ruined the only thing that was good. Aisha, you complete me.

I am sorry, should not have fallen childishly back in love, I shouldn’t have said anything. We can just be friends, no? 

Same as a week ago.

How can I be blamed for loving you Aisha, I did not want to meet Azher in the first place, you made me do it. You keep talking about him, as if he is better, making me feel that I am invisible. Why would you want me to meet him? Do I not matter?

You guys are opposites, he dismisses you and berates you for having better taste in music, in books. He mocks you.

What did you say that day? “What gives me the right?” 

If knowing you, knowing what makes you happy or sad, knowing all your tics from every eye roll to the coy slant of your smile. Knowing all. Knowing even the smallest of things that you cannot even put into words. If that doesn’t give me any right of opinion. I guess.

I lost again.

All the best,

Saeed.

15th February 

Aisha,

It's been two weeks, I miss your texts, your laugh, and your unapologetic candid self. You keep me alive.

Well, I don’t know, 

I don’t know what to do, or how to make it better. Let me at least say sorry to you in person, at least pick up my calls. 

Sorry for being an asshole. Been ungrateful and a selfish demon to you. I am going to leave you alone if you want that.

Promise.

Happy Birthday. Hope you are not angry because of the cake I sent.

And take care.

This new virus on the news seems dangerous.

Sincerely Yours,

Saeed.

27th February 2020

Hi Aisha,

I don’t know why I am writing to you again, you have not replied to my texts or calls, which makes it clear you don’t want anything to do with me. Honestly, it’s understandable. I am annoying you, being clingy and desperate. I would not want to talk to someone like that either.

The news has been crazy right now, COVID is spreading here as well. It is becoming worse every day, did not think we would be affected too. They are talking about closing everything down, no more uni or work (yay! I guess). But it’s becoming sad and dangerous, people are being so polarizing don’t you think? For some, it’s all a conspiracy but the majority, are so afraid of it, they are behaving abnormally.

They are saying this shit can’t be contained without total isolation. They are saying that this thing is especially dangerous for people with diseases, makes me think of Irfan. Well, all will be fine. Hopefully.

I wrote you a poem yesterday.

I don’t think you would want to read it. But I don’t know, maybe. It might allow you to forgive me. Could just make paper airplanes out of it.

Fuck it, YOLO as you used to say.

Thought, I had dug up a deep hole -

flushed down it - your memories.

Your untamed beady eyes, 

That unforgiving malicious smile.

Thought, I had buried you within –

Beneath all deceit – our dreams.

Our unmerited tragic schemes,

That unkempt comical love.

Thought, I had lost you -

Purged away – your inflictions.

Your unfounded inverse restrictions,

That unmeant painful abuse.

Thought, I had earned escape -

Safe away – from mistakes.

From unsettled devious pasts,

That undying despicable regret.

All that I thought – Reduced.

All my hate – Redeemed.

‘How have you been?’

All that I thought – 

An excuse.

‘Can we meet?’

I know this is pathetic and me being an asshole again. But is it all irreparable?

Take care,

Saeed.

From: aishro@gmail.com

To: saeed01@gmail.com

Subject: STOP!

Saeed, please stop! You need to stop and grow up. It’s insane and incredibly inappropriate. I should have listened to everyone who warned me that this would happen. You remarkably are the same insensitive and selfish person as before. The same who was jealous of Hasaan, my friend! My only true friend back in school. You are the same disrespectful person, resolute to make a fool out of yourself.

Stop! Leave me alone. COVID and this lockdown are already hard enough for me and Azher. We Were supposed to be married by this December. I don’t know how,

anymore.

Your advice is unneeded, your insecure proclamations of love will remain insignificant. Keep your poetry, your guilt, and your despicable self-righteousness to yourself!

Stop texting, calling, and contacting me.

Enough damage has been done.

29th March 2020

From: saeed01@gmail.com

To: aishro@gmail.com

Subject:

Acknowledged.

Won’t happen again.

29th March 2020

9th June 2023

Dear Saeed,

“With immense joy and pleasure, we extend our heartfelt invite to you on the auspicious occasion of the wedding ceremony of

‘Aisha Rohail with Azher Purbani’ as they embark on a new journey.

Date: Sunday, 16th August 2023

Time: 10:00 pm 

Venue: Marriott

Your presence would be an honor as we unite in celebrating love, commitment, and the coming together of two souls.”

I don’t know how to make peace with all of it that happened, all those years ago. Well, it was too long ago, and you are still one of my oldest friends, and would love to have you at my wedding. I am getting married, Saeed.

I have talked to Azher about all of it, told him how important you are to me, and have convinced him. I explained all that had happened was a gross misunderstanding. I truly want to move past all of it.

To be real with you, it was Irfan who texted me and explained your side, what you were going through back then. I am embarrassed and apologetic. I could have handled it all better, could have been a bit empathetic.

Irfan tells me that you have been working on yourself, “allowing yourself the luxury of happiness.” His words, not mine. I did not believe it at first. But then I kind of stalked you a little. Honestly surprised, that you ticked some things off your bucket list, and you finally found time to travel. The pictures of your Euro trip are probably deficient of the real adventure you were on. Would love to know about the girl you were with. Guess what? While stalking I may have gone full Nancy Drew looking for evidence, sorry.

Irfan told me you are going for therapy. That’s incredible. Was it not an alien thought at first? Be honest.

Well, all jokes aside, everyone will be there at my wedding. Believe me, EVERYONE! Won’t be a good day without you.

I hope you come. Let me see this new you, that you’ve been hiding. Would love to listen to all your stories.

And a warm belated congratulations on graduating.

Love,

Aisha.