It’s All My Fault

I didn’t want to do it. I swear, it just happened. I had to.

My hands won’t stop shaking, I’m trying to stop them by gripping the bathroom sink as water fills it but they won’t stop shaking, because I’m shaking. I’m staring into the mirror and what I see is making me feel sick, it’s me, but I’ve never seen myself look like this. Pale skin, grey eyes with dark circles underneath, my short black hair, my bangs falling over my eyes, a red button-up shirt, and my favourite gold necklace my boyfriend gave me with my name on it “Jaiden.” It’s me, that’s what I look like, but there’s something else. The blood all over my face, hands, shirt, necklace, and the floor outside the bathroom.

I had a plan, a plan to get out. After 19 years of living with that asshole who controlled and manipulated every single aspect of my life, I was going to get away. Dad had no clue about my plan, if he did he would’ve stopped it a long time ago, he never found my college acceptance letters, he never found out that I had been slowly moving my stuff into my boyfriends apartment, he didn’t know anything. 

But I was stupid, Nick called me and asked me if I was going to tell dad about me leaving, so I told him I was going to tell him in two days when I was about to leave and Nick had got to the house so my dad didn’t try anything. 

Dad heard me talking to Nick. And he lost it. He literally kicked my door down and started screaming. “You’re not leaving this fucking house!” The sound of  my dad screaming at me saying I wasn’t allowed to leave is still ringing in my head even now. I tried to tell him that I was going to leave and I wasn’t going to let him stop me, the call with Nick was still on and he was trying to ask me if I needed him to come over, before I could answer my dad took my phone and smashed it. “That bastard isn’t taking you anywhere Jaiden!” He shouted as he destroyed my phone, he never liked Nick, now he hated him.

I figured Nick was going to make the drive to my house, he lived about an hour away in driving distance so it would be awhile. All my life Dad rarely ever let me leave the house to do anything, I could leave for school that was about it. He’s a controlling, abusive, lunatic. He's been that way all my life.

He kept yelling that he wouldn’t let me leave, so I said I wouldn’t to reassure him and he left my room after 10 minutes. I immediately packed a bag of what little clothes and other things I needed from my room, waited another 10 minutes then left my room and tried to make my way downstairs to the door.

Dad was waiting at the door.

He knew what I was going to do.

I’d never seen him look so angry.

I’ve never felt so scared of him.

I tried to get back up the stairs but he was faster than me and basically threw me off the stairs. “You aren’t fucking leaving Jaiden. You live here. With me!” The words of him yelling echoing off the walls of the house. After minutes of struggling I got him off of me, he was blocking the stairs and I knew he had already locked the door and I wouldn’t have time to get it open so I ran towards the kitchen, the furthest room I could easily get to to get away from him. Before I could figure out what to do next something went flying past my head, instinctively I ducked to the ground as fast as I could so I was practically laying on the ground as another object zoomed overhead.

The only place I had to get away from him is the bathroom, that he just happened to be standing right next to. If I could get in there I could hide out until Nick gets here, that’s assuming he’s on the way.

I sprung up and pressed my back against the counter looking for the best way to get around my father as he continued walking toward me. He was still talking, mostly toned down yelling but I had blocked out all his words. My dad is a strong guy, much bigger than I am so there’s basically no chance of me getting past him by overpowering him, I had to get around him, but that would’ve been almost as difficult.

Although me ignoring the words from my dad and trying to find a way around him only failed me in the end, He noticed that I wasn’t looking at him and I was looking past him.

He came up to me faster than my eyes and brain could register and next thing I knew he was trying to drag me onto the floor and out of the kitchen. I was holding onto the counter with all the strength I had screaming at him to let me go. I managed to kick him pretty hard, which got him off of me for a moment. I jumped to the other side of the counter, closer to the bathroom, and closer to something else. The kitchen knives. I never wanted to actually  use it, but I thought I’d grab one and sprint to the bathroom, I’d have it just in case.

Dad didn’t know I’d grabbed the knife.

He was angry, and violent.

He grabbed me by the shoulder and spun me around so fast I got dizzy.

He was still yelling and trying to move me away from the kitchen. 

He was hurting me.

He didn’t know I had the knife, maybe if he did he wouldn’t have continued to hurt me.

I stabbed him.

The second I realised this I let go of the knife. He looked at me shocked then fell to the ground. I froze. I don’t know how long I stood there frozen by fear and guilt but by time everything hit me I got to the ground and tried to help him.

He was already dead. His blood was pooling on the floor, and was dripping onto my hands and clothes.

So now I’m sitting on my bathroom floor covered in blood, riddled by guilt and fear.

I wanted to get away from my dad. But not like this.

From across the house I hear pounding on the front door. And a muffled “Jaiden!” coming from outside. I can’t move, I’m frozen again, if I step out the door I have to see him. And I can’t look at him, at what I did.

After a few seconds of pounding on the door it stops. Less than a minute later I hear the sound of the back door opening, and footsteps walking around the house slowly getting closer.

I pulled my knees up to my chest and put my head onto them, hiding my face and closing my eyes, wishing something could undo what I’ve done.

The footsteps have gotten closer, stop for a few seconds then start moving faster and closer. “Jaiden? Hey Jai what happened? Are you Ok?” A panicked concerned voice asks. My face is still buried in my knees but I know it’s Nick. “This is all my fault.” I say barely audible. “Jaiden whatever you did I know you had to do ok. It’s not your fault.” He reassures me, putting a hand on my shoulder, I look up at him. He tries to hide the shock and fear on his face when he sees mine. “It is, He wouldn’t be-” I pause. “If I hadn’t tried to go this wouldn’t have happened. I never should’ve done any of it.” Nick doesn’t know what to say.

A different sound causes the both of us to look out the doorway, sirens. I put my head down again and finally began to cry. Nick just hugs me trying to console me.

By the time the police arrive and knock on the door Nick leaves me on the floor alone to open it. They just came in and I hear Nick talking to them and coming closer, I can’t make out what he's saying. I hear one set of footsteps coming closer. I see in the mirror that it’s a police officer. It’s a woman, she comes in and squats down in front of me.

“What happened?”