Force it in you, force be with you...

“It’s called an action figure, you fucking cunt.”

Skip to the end if you don’t want Star Trek spoilers. It’s just dialog with “cunt” sprinkled throughout.

“The only action that toy will see is you wanking away at print screens of Syndulla. Old man Henry could lend you one of his goats if you like horns.”

“They’re not horns, they're called lekku. It’s an appendage that grows from their skull. I like her because she leads the rebellion, the fight against -.”

“You like her because of those mommy milkers. Who the fuck brings their kid on space missions? Have you seen how easily motherfuckers get blown to bits out there?”

“The force works in mysterious ways, you cunt. Since when have you been an expert in Star Wars space travel?”

“It’s irresponsible and stupid. She’s just a soccer mom with a shit attitude. If you can’t take orders from your superiors -”

“ You mean from MEN who mansplain everything? How dare you?”

“The fuck just happen?”

“That was weird… Anyway, you’re a cunt and that’s an action figure.”

“Open that thing already. Why is it special? Wouldn’t it look cool going up against Obi One?”

“Obi-WAN Kenobi lived two thousand years after the old republic, you silly cunt. It wouldn’t make sense for the two of them to battle.”

“What if he comes back as a force ghost? Can ghosts use force choke?”

“Only his light side could come back as a ghost to… Why am I having this conversation with you? What do you know about force choke?”

“Force choke on deez nuts.”

“Force choke, you fucking cunt, is a dark side power. If the light side of Revan managed to come back as a ghost it wouldn’t be able to choke anything. Leave it in its package.”

“It’s not accurate. In the game, Revan is a girl.”

“Your mom is a girl! That’s Bastilla, one of the few jedi able to use battle meditation. Revan will sit on this shelf safe in his box…”

“K. So the next episode is on? Have you seen it? Wanna watch it together?”

“No, forget it.”

“Come on I’m sorry I promise I’ll be quiet, no sarcastic comments.”

“I don’t want to watch that show. I pushed through the first two and another twenty minutes from the third but…”

“Isn’t this show about dark side secrets and all that wizardry you’re into?”

“It focuses on things that are irrelevant to the dark side mythos. It’s not for me.”

“Because it has girls in it?”

“No, not because of girls. Look here my young, cunty padawan: this is Kylo Ren. You probably recognize his sabre.”

“That blade looks wack. He can’t even build his sword right.”

“On the contrary, he used the same method as his grandfather to build it. Besides Vader, the only one I saw do it was Kylo. The emperor talks about it, and others talk about it but I’ve only seen comics with Darth Vader and Kylo Ren bleeding crystals.”

“K.”

“Ben killed Ren, the leader of the knights and his former jedi friends. That’s when he covered his face and became Kylo Ren. Snoke told him he wasn’t born but became Snoke. Vader took a green kyber crystal from one of the most powerful jedi left alive after Order 66 and he did it without a lightsaber and with a suit of armor made from scraps. He bled it in a cave on Mustafar not far from where he suffered defeat. He journeyed to another realm and destroyed an ancient sith.”

“K.”

“The emperor revealed the fleet of star destroyers he was secretly hoarding on Exegol way before 2019. All those candy-ass critics got upset when they saw the end of Rise of Skywalker but knew nothing of the old comics. Do you see where I’m getting at?”

“You’re into dark dudes?”

“We want to see these movies, these series. We are the only ones who appreciate them because we spend money to support Star Wars. We buy, we collect, and we go to shows and theme parks. That’s all of us, not keyboard warriors, not film critics that cum whenever Tarantino films on some old shit format and you see black tape around the edges of the screen. If you’re going to film in the era before the prequels, right after the war with the sith where all the mysteries and power of the force peaked then why aren’t you focusing on what’s important, you fucking cunt?”

“So you’re saying they can’t make money with a new audience? People binge-watch these new shows. They all play out like some episode of Seinfeld and yet they have the numbers to keep making shows in the same format: fuck the lore, focus on character development. It doesn’t matter if it’s not Star Wars. We’ll make it look like Star Wars and stick a lovable character there. Maybe they won’t sell as many shitty green muppets as they would sell if the story, details, and characters resembled the original universe but at the rate they're pumping out series, it will eventually get so cheap to produce that they won’t care about merch or anything else. It will be like Transformers: Transformers, who gives a fuck anymore ™.”

“The one who had the original idea should be left alone to write it all. That’s the one who understands everything about that universe. Don’t let anyone chip in with shitty ideas that come in conflict with a character's belief system or break the rules of that world. You’ll end up with a great story that ticks all the boxes, has all the races in the world, even a few Martians, and has such a beautiful, feel-good message. But it lacks a soul, it lacks character and a belief to follow. These new stories follow ALL beliefs. So Revan, Darth Revan will forever stay in that box.”

“I see… Didn’t you say it came in a two-pack?”

“The other’s Bastila.”

“Sealed for your pleasure.”