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“After crossing the valley and walking a mile surrounded by greenery everywhere, we find the famous cherry blossom trees which now give the scenery a soft pastel pink look with pinkish white blooms welcoming us to what is called as the heaven on earth.”
I finish reading. But I keep looking at the beautiful pictures wondering if my words did justice to these beautiful visuals. Well..there is only one way to find out.
“You should go”, says my mom as if reading my thoughts.
I feel an unexplainable guilt both at the words and at the mere thought that my mom may have read my thoughts.
I feel like a child caught doing something that they are not supposed to be doing.
“What? NO”, I say with fake surprise and place the brochure back at her bedside.
“I can see and feel the place through your words”, says mom smiling.
“Right? We sold a few tour packages this week and I am taking full credit.” I grin.
“And I can feel the longing in your eyes”, she continues.
“It’s not..it’s just that..I” shit. shit shit. I need to get it together.
“You should go”
“Mom! Stop saying that. You know I am not leaving you.”
“I will be fine. We will manage. We always do.” Mom reassures.
But I know I can’t and there is no convincing my mom. So I do what I always do to get out of these conversations. Pretend to look at the time.
“Oh, I am getting late for work. I need to go.”
I place the food and medicines beside the TV remote on the make-shift table.
I kiss my mother bye and start to leave.
“Will you be late today as well?”
“I think so Ma. It’s our busiest month” and I leave for work.
I was fourteen when my mother hurt her spine protecting me from the monster that I hate to call my dad.
It still shatters me that she put her life in line for me. She didn’t think for a second before making that decision. No, it was more like an instinct, a reflexive action than a decision. Even after ten years, I feel the same overwhelming love and guilt whenever I think about that incident.
Perhaps it’s due to this engrained guilt that I feel a deep sense of shame whenever I put myself above anything. Like going on the trip that mom suggested.
I would be lying if I say I didn’t think of taking these trips.
It all started with my current job where I started as a sales rep. My job was to sell tour packages and I get commissions if I exceed the sales target. I did everything I could to earn that commission. Luckily my manager was present during one of those pitches and offered me a job of copywriting as well.
That was the beginning of it all. I started exploring the places in my mind to give an authentic representation about the sites that I was writing about. Well almost authentic. I constantly questioned if I was doing justice to these beautiful places and couldn’t wait to confirm that by firsthand experience.
And like always, these thoughts were quickly followed by a feeling of reproach. It always felt wrong..selfish to entertain such thoughts..leaving my mother to have have fun when she is bedridden…because of me.
The subway announcement breaks my thoughts and I get down at my stop.
I take a look at the pictures that I am supposed to be writing today.
I get to write about yet another fantastic place and that thought changes my whole mood. I notice that I am smiling now.
Later that night, Mom and I finish watching our favorite show together. I was about to say goodnight and leave when
“Did you think about what I said?”
“I appreciate that you waited for the show to end to discuss this” I smile.
“Of course. No way would I miss it. Now answer my question”
I pretend to look at the time.
“Are you getting late for work again” says mom catching my bluff.
I laugh. “I will tomorrow, if I don’t sleep now” I say quite proud of myself.
“You can stay up 5 more minutes for your sick mother” says mom with a playful smile.
I smile, “there is no winning with you”
“Right. So?”
“My answer is the same mom”
Mom takes one deep sigh.
“Honey, take a look at me”, she says holding my hand.
“What happened was not your fault. I did what I had to, to protect you.
“To Protect you, so you will live a full life. But it breaks my heart that you are wasting away your life like this.
“I am not though”, I protest.
Mom smiles kindly.
“Your life is not for taking care of me. I want you to stop blaming yourself for what happened. It’s not your fault. It was never your fault. Remember this always.”
“I want you to do something for me. Do not interrupt or protest. Just hear me out.
“Just for once entertain the idea that you are going on a trip. Pick a place. Think of all the shopping you need to do for it. Think of the transport, accommodation, oh you work for a travel agency I don’t need to tell you all the details. So imagine you picked a place and you are going on this trip. Just before going to bed visualize this for me.”
“Ok”, I say tired of protesting.
“Promise me”
Ok. I promise”
It should not be tough to imagine going on these trips. I have done these countless times. Why did Ma ask me to do this? I think lying on my bed.
Anyway I promised. So here goes.
I go on a trip..but wait? How can I leave my mom? I need to make arrangements for someone to tend for her. I need to find a nurse for say 1 week? So it’s going to be a weeklong trip huh? Hmm not bad I think? I guess one week should be more than enough. Besides I can’t get off work for one week especially during this month. Even one week is doubtful.
OK so assuming that I get a leave and a nurse is arranged for, I can actually go on a trip!!
So the question is where? Does it really matter? I smile. I know why mom insisted I do this. I have never been out of this town. Any place is good. I will pick a place that I enjoyed writing about the most and that is…
I don’t know when I drifted off to sleep but I woke up when the title song of the soap opera started playing. Why is it playing now? Doesn’t it start quite a bit late like at noon? I look at the time and I am fully awake now. It is afternoon and I am late for work!! For real this time. I get ready as fast as humanly possible and go to the living room.
My mom is engrossed in watching that soap opera.
I rush for work only to find that the biggest shock was awaiting me.
My boss calls me in his office.
He is smiling – unusual.
He is appreciating my work- not unsual but OMG is he firing me??
He is giving me a month off. What?
Is it suspension? But he is making it sound like a perk.
“I don’t understand. Is it for being late? It’s the first time in..”
He laughs.
“No No. Thanks to you we hit our target by 200% which as you can see is quite high. We are just treating our valuable employee right. We have also deposited the incentive amount in your bank account …which..you should have received by now.” He says with a pleased smile and continues,
“Thank you for work well done. Now enjoy your vacation and comeback rejuvenated next year. Happy holidays!”
I am too spellbound to say anything but manage to say “Thank you” and leave the office.
I immediately check my messages and see that there is a message about money credited. I am not dreaming.
While I am walking down the street still lost in my thoughts, I realize that someone handed me a pamphlet.
I was about to throw it in the garbage can when the content stops me or rather shocks me.
It’s an agency which provides home nursing. I turn to look who handed me the pamphlet but see no one. I call the number on the pamphlet.
They are indeed what they say.
I don’t know how I reached home. I am still in daze about everything that has happened today.
“So how was your day?” asks my mom looking at the pamphlet in my hand.
“Confusing, surprising and sort of magical?”
I fill in on everything that happened today.
“Very pleasing to hear” mom says with a smile that I haven’t seen on her in years.
“So give a call to that number. See their reviews are good too.” says mom showing me her cell.
“Wow. That was super-fast.”
“We should always act fast when good things are happening.”
“I don’t understand. How did it work out like this?”
“Because till yesterday you were stuck thinking of all the reasons it won’t work out.
Once you changed your perspective and were open to the possibility that it can work out, universe manifested that.
Tears start rolling down my cheeks and I hug my mom.
“Ok now tell me what you are getting me”
“Hmm..it will also be your Christmas present. So I need to think hard. It certainly can’t compete with your present for me. So..”
“My present for you?” Mom asks surprised.
“Yes. The greatest gift. Time. Time for myself.”
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Hi Priyanka. An intriguing story. Nice to read about something nice happening to the protagonist when she's been so diligently looking after her mother. A couple of notes. There are several syntactical/spelling errors. They don't necessarily injure the story, but they do get you, the reader, hung up for a moment, which kind of takes you out-of-the-story if you know what I mean. Perhaps a bit more proofreading from both you and someone you trust could help there. The deus-ex-machina of receiving the perk of time-off and of the pamphlet is perfectly fine - IF you explain it as being due to some sort of mechanism that you have previously foreshadowed (the influence of a god, or literally whatever, In this case, it was "the universe" that stepped in to help out? That's cool, but foreshadow that so when it happens, the reader is like, "Ah, right, she already told us at the beginning that the universe felt like it was in her debt. It's paying that debt off." Or something.) That doesn't really happen here, which makes you feel a bit "Max doesn't have a sword. Bang. He suddenly has a magic sword." You know? The dad is responsible for the mum's injury. Aren't we going to get anything more than that? Is the dad even out of the picture now? Was the mum forced into the relationship against her will? Or was he different at the start? I kinda don't want to know exactly how she injured her spine, but I also do want to, out of morbid curiosity, you know? Throw us a bone!
Overall though, this was a well-written and engaging story. I particularly liked the inner monologue. I hope you keep writing. I've a feeling that with some practice and proof-reading, you'll be writing some very enjoyable stories. All the best.
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Hi Marcus,
Appreciate the feedback.
I constantly doubt my abilities to write in English as it is my third language. This feedback is very helpful and encouraging.
I will keep these in mind the next time I write.
I did proofread but I still missed the syntactical errors. Could you be so kind and give an example. No issues if you don't too.
Once again thankyou so much for the valuable feedback.
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Okay, here're a couple of things:
"... surrounded by greenery." (Lose the "everywhere," it's superfluous.)
"... to what is called the Heaven on Earth." (Lose the "as.")
"...What? No!" (I'm guessing the "NO," with a capital "O" is a typo. If not, it feels like she's yelling at her mum, which doesn't seem to fit with the story.)
“...Right? We sold a few tour packages this week and I am taking full credit.” I grin. (My feeling is that this line needs to be delivered by the narrator, not by the protagonist. That's just my preference, but it feels like it reads more smoothly when, in response to her mum saying she can see the place through her words - literally her words as we find out later she's the copywriter of the brochure - she wouldn't say this aloud, but more think it as an explanation for the reader. Again, possibly this is what you meant and the speech marks were a typo.)
“...It’s not..it’s just that..I” shit. shit shit. I need to get it together." (Perfect. Speech followed by inner monologue helps us to understand what's going on, and then also feel what's going on.)
“I will be fine. We will manage. We always do.” Mom reassures. (Who's "we"? I thought there were only two of them at home? The dad's gone. Did you mention siblings and I forgot about that? I presume you're not using the word "we" as the royal "we," e.g. the Queen saying, "We are not amused," where she's saying that she herself is not amused. Also, that last bit should be, "Mom reassures me." You missed the "me.")
“...I think so Ma. It’s our busiest month” and I leave for work." (I think you're supposed to put a punctuation mark before the end-speech-marks, something like: "busiest month," and I ... Or structure the sentence slightly differently.)
There are a few other things, but you can see what I mean. All of those things are tiny tiny little errors that don't matter too much. But the story would seem a lot more polished, and even flow better, if you could pick up and change them in the proof-reading stage before uploading the story.
Hope that helps.
Marcus
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Thankyou so much for taking time to explain, Marcus.
I agree with the feedback and will take care next time.
To answer your question, "We" as in the mother and daugter.
Wanted to convey that they have managed to get through against all odds and continue to do so but I see how it doesn't make sense in this context.
Thanks again.
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Regarding the 'we.' If the 'we' refers to the mother and daughter, I'm not entirely convinced the 'we' is correct, in context. What I mean is, you're describing a situation where the daughter's gone away on a trip, leaving the mother by herself. The first part, 'I will be fine,' makes sense, because it's just the mum there, and, by using 'I,' she's clearly referring to just herself. By then using 'we,' I, the reader, started to think, 'Wait, what? Is there going to be someone else left at home with her as well?'' It is possible she's using the 'royal "we"' there, as described above. Some folks might speak that was as a mannerism, even though they're not royalty. But I don't think that's what you were going as the mother doesn't use that mannerism anywhere else in the story.
Again, I don't mean to pick apart your story. I've read a lot of stories in this category, and this is one of the more persuasive ones. It's good. But I thought I'd respond to what you said.
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I think what I meant by "we will manage" is that the mother is trying to assure her daughter that they will figure out a way like they always do. When mother says, "I will be fine" it wouldn't be too convincing for her daughter because they both know she needs assistance. So that would hardly give her confidence. So she feels the need to reassure further.
Hence the addition of "we will manage". So as a mother-daughter team they will come up with something.
I am sorry, I saw your comment late and hence the delayed response.
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There are too many punctuation errors, particularly in the dialogue. What always helps me find such errors is by reading my story out loud (I read to my dogs), that way you hear the stumble caused by poor punctuation.
The story itself is so-so.
Perhaps instead of the protagonist whining for ten years about how her mother's injury was because of her, she could tell us a bit more about the evil monster. That would add something interesting to the story.
In reality, if the mother truly doesn't blame the daughter for the injury, how does she sit by and watch her daughter waste away her life in her little bubble? A truly loving mother would insist the daughter seek psychological help. But that is only my opinion.
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I see what you're saying Tanya, but I think you're being a little harsh on the story. There as many different kinds of families out there as there are people. I can fully see a number of families operating in the way that the mother and daughter do in this story. (In fact, I've personally known someone who was in a fairly similar situation.) The daughter does not have a psychological issue, she's just contemplative, and considering the best way forward for all parties concerned. The mother does want to see the daughter be successful, but a) she needs the daughter's help, b) she really values the togetherness of families, and comes from a culture where families stick together - that's just what they do. And, c) she actually is seeing her daughter being successful in a way: the daughter has a good job, and has had a promotion. And, of course, when it becomes obvious to her that her daughter really does need to get out and see the big wide world, she's fully supportive, and even cleverly gets her daughter to start imagining how a trip away might look, so it (the trip,) could take a big step towards become a reality.
It's true there are a number of little grammar mistakes, but they don't make the story un-readable. More just like hiccoughs. In my opinion, with just a bit more proof-reading to i) pick-up and fix the errors, and ii) tweak the way the story evolves and the pacing, this would be an easy pick for a professional anthology of short stories. I liked it (and I'm usually quite picky!)
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