Joking Not with People

My Nike sneakers guide me as I, after walking toward rows of

Cars lined vertically,

Gas pumps going in and out of the cars,

Open the white-outlined glass door.

I look around, hungry. Hungry after trekking along the road for so long.

I actually lost a little weight. But then put it back on when I was eating

Some candy.

Felt good.

But indifference soon seduced me.

This trip's killing me. 500 miles. So long.

Let's just go home.

I was the only one in the car.

Just me and me.

What should I buy?

I’m a little overweight, but I’m wondering…

Will there be anything worth using to lose some pounds?

I look around.

I spot some Oreos.

My favorite cookies.

Ah!

I snatch some and then fumble in my baggy trousers to see

Whether I have a five-dollar bill.

No.

I go back to my car,

Told the cashier I’ll be back.

I’m not stealing.

He says to put the cookies back.

I sigh, and say okay.

Reluctantly, I put them back.

Once I get the stupid five-dollar bill

And trek back into the gas station,

The cookies are gone!

I roll my head and see whether there’s something else.

Maybe those big packages. Like at the store.

But anyway.

I grab a package. Mint.

I pay for the cookies—get the change,

And head out.

What a day!

I throw the cookies down in the passenger seat once I climb up into my truck

And sit in the driver’s seat.

I blow a huge sigh.

Man. I look over. Do I need these things? I shake my head. Whatever. What a treat!

I rip open the package, and then, holding the cookie in between two fingers,

Start the car.

Ensuring I don’t hit anyone as I back out,

I eat the cookie.

When I get home,

I look in the mirror.

My eyes are emerald green—not brown anymore.

Huh?

I live in a big house.

I live with my dog—

“Charles. King Charles!”

King Charles the King Charles Spaniel runs in.

“What’s wrong?”

I swerve around.

My eyes widen.

“Did…did—”

“Yeah.” My dog talked?

I shake my head.

Then I say, “No. It’s not a dream. I’m not dreaming, or dazing, or confused. It’s real.”

“Speak.”

KC (as I like to nickname him) said, “It’s not KC. It’s King Charles.”

Something thumped—Scotland Yard his best friend, the Scottish Terrier.

They’ve known each other since I first moved in—thirty-five years

Ago.

Since their mothers birthed them.

“Hey!”

I heard the dog!

I leaned over. I ran over to the dog.

“You talking to me?” I tested, and then saw his owner.

I ran to the door, and yanked it open.

“Hey—I can talk to animals!”

“Prove it!” The grumpy elderly man snickered.

I grinned—unlike the other times I’ve seen him.

I grabbed his dog—no more bruises for him!

No more broken hips or yelping.

No more abuse for this dog.

This dog’s free!

The man’s going to jail.

Forever.

I grabbed the Scotty, telling him he’s free.

He’s free of such fear and horror from his cruel master.

Such a hellish life.

But no more.

I dash across the yard, and see a bird.

Calling to it I order it to fly the dog away.

It said for me to buy a Birthday Cake Oreo cookie

So I could eat it.

“No!” I wiped a hand across my forehead and

Said that I’m not eating another cookie.

It’s just too much.

I’m—

You’re thinner.

I looked down.

“No way.”

I felt I lost three pounds.

Maybe more.

I stifled a sigh.

“Hey! Get your stupid dog out of here.”

The nasty owner growled.

Growled like his dog when he was smacked.

I balled my fists—no owner does such a cruel act towards their pet.

No more.

I shook my head.

I dash.

Back to the store.

It’s two minutes.

 Sweating but feeling good.

“Come on!” Scotland Yard said.

I know, I said, King Charles running right beside me.

I burst in.

No! I forgot my wallet.

I call my neighbor.

No, he snarled. Get your own money.

I felt something in a pocket.

Nothing.

I ran back.

Grabbed my wallet.

“Come on!” Scotland Yard told me, also saying the bird was waiting,

Impatiently.

“Okay!”

I hurried, grabbed the cookies and paid for them.

Birthday Cake Oreos, here we go!

I dashed, a mad grin on my face.

“Put me down!” My neighbor’s dog ordered.

I let go—

And dashed faster.

The Oreos were crushed—at least two of them.

Well, they’d have to—

“Eat them!”

The Scotland Yard barked at me.

I hope he didn’t get that from his owner.

He wasn’t going to order King Charles around, right?

I hoped not.

As we ran, I asked him.

He said no.

But I doubted him.

I worried.

The cookie never worked.

I bit my lip.

“You want him saved, you’ll have to eat it so I can get bigger so you can go on me, too.”

Then I said slowly, “Bad emotions don’t allow me to—”

“Stop worrying!”

I’ve tended to worry.

Worry about my neighbor,

But this time,

I let all negative thoughts go.

I ate it.

And got on!

The gigantic bird spread its wings.

“Lift off!”

“Okay!” I yelled, and aboard came the Scottish Terrier.

And King Charles.

“Let’s go!” I roared.

 Soaring in the air, we all looked down.

The neighbor was puny.

His lawnmower and the green grass was just a speck.

I mean, at least he was a speck.

Goodness, so many things—

“Hey, master?”

King Charles put a paw on my knee.

“Yes?”

“I need to tell you something.”

“Yeah?”

I blinked. I wished I had other cookies. So I had to eat—

“Master. Do you want to stop worrying?”

I didn’t answer right away. “Do I have to eat every time I want a special power?”

“Master, please. I feel like my friend here.”

I cocked an eyebrow. Wind whished in my curly hair.

“Huh? I—”

“You don’t always have time for me. Where he was hit, I wasn’t always hugged or played with. I had to beg you.”

“Abusive…” I blinked back tears that came. “I…”

I turned to the Scottish Terrier. “You knew about this?”

“Yeah.” He sounded scared—like he was afraid of admitting it.

Admitting it would result in a bruise.

“No.” I put my hands on the Terrier. And on my own dog. But then I grabbed my King Charles.

“Please.” I whispered. “Forgive me.”

The bird smiled.

At least I sensed that.

But I smiled inside.

When we landed near a lake,

I turned to King Charles, but he bounded over to the Terrier.

I turned around. “What are you doing?”

“Bye.”

He left.

I turned to the Terrier. “I…”

The Terrier ran up to me.

“I guess…”

He stayed quiet.

I burst into tears. “I’m so lonely! No friends. Nothing but a house and a dog.”

“Then let’s go.” Scotland Yard said, looking right at me. A surge of confidence

Went right up into me.

I swallowed, knowing I could do it

But stepping back.

“My dog will—”

“Stop worrying.”

The dog barked, and I couldn’t talk to him.

Then I tried getting some confidence back, but I sweated.

I blinked.

I waved, done with animals. I didn’t need animal friends.

I needed human friends.

I walked away, soon finding a bar.

I grabbed my wallet, and headed out, shaking hands and soon forming friendships.

The dogs?

“Let’s go.” Scotland Yard said.

King Charles nodded assertively. “Yes, sir!”

They dashed away, away from me.

And me away from them.

I didn't eat a single Oreo cookie, but worry wasn't my partner in crime anymore.

I always high-fived my buddies at work, the park or the garage sales.

I smiled, hugged and threw parties.

Life was great.

Sometimes, my cat and I would have conversations.

It'd curl up, go to sleep and then wake up, going about her day.

Oreo cookies were gone, but not the powers.

I still had them, and they grew stronger every time positivity was my best friend.

My cat told me, and I thanked her.

After I married and began a family, my cat passed.

I grieved.

I got another cat.

We were extremely close.

Walking out of the bar with a couple of guys laughing at my joke, I waved mentally.

Bye!