The man in the window

The suffocating grip of fear had become a constant companion. My face curls downwards so much that I can feel my upside-down smile tugging at my facial muscles. My body feels hard to control, my arms dangle at my sides like I'm holding heavy rocks and I find my legs hard to lift when I walk. Every day, I feel different to everyone else. It is a hard feeling to describe, I don’t feel sad, I just feel completely and utterly hollow. As I walk through the streets I wonder if people can see it, see that I don’t look like everyone else, look like them. 

Maybe they don’t. I do feel like a ghost sometimes, floating through time, invisible to the people walking past me with fuller hearts than my own.

The thing that worries me the most, is that as long as he followed me, no matter what is going on, who I am with, how much time passes or how much good comes my way, the feeling of hope fills my soul for a day or two before I see him once again and dread takes over every inch of me.

When I get back from work, all of my blinds are closed, the house is cold and ominous in the darkness. It is always like this, the fear of the figure appearing at the window and stalking my movements much overrode my desire to see the sun. My house no longer felt like my home but more like the cage that I hid inside. I had never seen the man's features enough to identify him, only his silhouette in the darkness of the night. He made no effort to hide himself, always there, looming over me.  

Although I felt partially protected by stone walls and wooden beams, fear devoured me whole. 

Thud, thud, thud.

 My heart begins to race. I feel it echo through my body and I watch as my chest moves with every harsh beat. There is something wrong, panic and fear wash over me. He’s back, he’s at the window. My palms go sweaty, my mind scrambles as I feebly prepare to protect myself. He clouds my judgement, making rational thoughts hard to find. I knew he was there, I felt his presence ache through my bones. I hear him talk to me through the thin pane of glass that separates us, his words inaudible but the muffled male voice loud as if he stood right behind me. The hairs on my arm prick up straight and my neck snaps to see. nobody. He was tricking me, in my head, just like he wanted. I held my heart as my laboured breathing caused my legs to buckle at the weight of my body. “I’m safe, I’m safe” I repeated aloud, tricking myself into calming down enough for me to hear sensible thoughts. I cracked open a small gap in my blinds, I saw nothing in the darkness, he must have left. I got into bed and pulled the covers over my head. For some reason, it made me feel protected and if not, at least I couldn't see him as he crept towards me in my nightmares. 

As soon as the sun starts to trickle through the small gaps in my blinds, I am awake. Bolt upright, ready to go. No alarm necessary, my body had turned into a well-oiled machine, although, I'd probably describe myself as more of a prey animal than a ‘machine’. I needed to relax, take a moment, and give my body some rest from this constant fight-or-flight feeling. Nobody here would help me or believe me when I told them about my stalker so if nobody is going to help me get rid of him, then I will be the one to leave. A quiet retreat, where I can just get in the car and go. ‘Secluded romantic getaways’ is the first thing that Google suggests to me. After a while, I came across the perfect one; ‘Holly Lodge’ described as an escape within the thick woodlands of the Forest of Dean, that sounds perfect. Without giving it a second thought, I booked for that evening and decided to leave as soon as I was packed. Three nights was all I could afford but any time away from here is worth it. Leaving during daylight hours was important to stay safe and ensure I was not being followed. I grabbed my rucksack and started to fill it with a few of my belongings. Ipad, jumper, toiletries, change of underwear, books and a charger.. That will do. I put my hair in a quick ponytail, chucked on my green parka coat and shoved my feet into my chunky boots making sure to tie them tightly. I grabbed a few packs of soba noodles and a canned iced coffee from the fridge to have that evening and shoved them into my coat pockets. I’m meant to be working tomorrow but I'll call in once I get there. A few coughs over the phone will bag me a day off or two. I peered out of my bedroom window and then stood at the door for a moment observing my surroundings before I scurried out. I got to my car, an old blue Nissan, got in, locked the doors and let out a sigh of relief before I scanned the area once more and started my journey.

My eyes diverted to my rear-view mirrors every few minutes to check the cars behind me didn't follow my path for a suspiciously long time. After the first hour or so of constant glances, I felt confident that I was entirely alone. “The destination will be on your left in 8 miles,” my phone said. I drove down the winds and bends that were carved out between the vibrant forest and watched the sunbeams dance through the trees and trickle onto the road ahead. I felt a sense of calm here that I hadn’t felt in a long time. Turning onto a gravel track away from an already secluded main road I could see Holly Lodge perched in the middle of a beautiful clearing left untamed with ferns, tall grass and clusters of wildflowers. 

I parked up and started to walk towards the quaint yet charming cabin, relief washed over me. The air seemed lighter here, full of the scent of fresh pine and wet earth. The cabin's wooden exterior blended seamlessly with the surrounding nature, and as I stepped inside, I was instantly greeted with a cosy atmosphere. What a beautiful sanctuary. 

I unpacked my belongings while listening to the soft rustle of leaves outside of the window and the distant chirping of birds lulled me into a sense of tranquillity. As the day turned to dusk, I prepared my simple meal and settled by the crackling fire, I let the warmth seep into my bones as I flicked to a bookmarked page in my current favourite fantasy novel. 

But as darkness fell and shadows grew long, a familiar sense of unease crept its way back into the pits of my mind. I glanced nervously at the window, half expecting to see him, lurking in the darkness. 

No, I was so careful, I am just being irrational. I tried to distract myself in the pages of my book, but my mind kept wandering to him - to the flickers of light that seemed to move around me and the faint breeze that tickled the back of my neck. The golden red fire did little to ease my now racing heart, and every creak of the cabin seemed to echo with sinister intent. The floorboards began to groan from above me, the sound of heavy feet. I shot up out of my seat and fought the fear that tried to root me to the ground.

I moved quickly towards the bathroom and locked myself inside. I didn’t want to move. Stood catatonic in the centre of the room, eyes wide in fear. I felt physically sick. He’s here. And he's not just outside the window, he's here. 

After what felt like an eternity on the bathroom floor, legs curled tightly into my chest, I knew I needed to get out of there. Get to my car. But what if he was waiting for me, peering from the banister of the stairs? 

I had to go, I placed my ear up to the door to check for any sounds and cracked it open, the coast was clear. I grabbed my car keys off of the side and started to move slowly towards the exit of the cabin.

Suddenly, fast footsteps started to pace down the wooden stairs.

I ran for the door, terrified. I got to it and turned the lock.

Knock, knock, knock

What? He was at the door.

Panic surged through me like a tidal wave, and before I could stop myself, I was stumbling backwards, tripping over my own feet in a desperate scramble for safety.

The door was unlocked.

I watched as the knob began to turn. 

My heart hammered in my chest as the door creaked open, revealing the yawning darkness beyond. Fear clutched at my throat, rendering me speechless and motionless. I wanted to scream, to run, but my body felt like led, rooted to the spot by the sheer terror of what was out there, pouncing on me. 

The monster that had been following me, torturing me, was finally going to consume me whole.

With trembling hands, I fumbled around looking for anything to defend myself. My fingers bound themselves around the heavy book I had left nearby. Clutching it to my chest, I pulled my legs up beneath me ready to spring up if needed, and tried to drag a deep breath, to little avail. 

Then, it appeared, an ominous silhouette filling the doorway only slightly highlighted by the dimly lit cabin lights. My pulse thundered in my ears as I strained to try and make out any human feature that I could. 

A guttural growl whispered through the air and ice slid down my spine. 

“There you are.”

Each word clung to me, dragging me down into the earth. I felt sick, how did he find me? 

With a surge of adrenaline, I raised the book in trembling hands.

He ran towards me. 

I closed my eyes tightly. 

Before I could land a blow, I was engulfed. 

Strong arms wrapped around me. 

I looked up to see. My mother. 

“There, there.” 

Fear turned to heartbreak and disappointment as I burst into tears and dropped to my knees, my mother's body fell to the floor with mine as she held my head in her chest. 

It happened again.

It took me a moment to take it all in and start to piece together what was going on. Trying to untangle the fear and confusion that had taken over me. In my mother's embrace, the storm gradually subsided. 

“There is something wrong with me” I whimpered, my voice barely audible over the sound of my ragged breaths. “I'm so sorry.”

My mother pulled back slightly and raised my chin to meet her gaze, her eyes a mixture of concern and love. “There is nothing wrong with you." She said, her nurturing voice soothed over me like a blanket “You have to be a strong person to fight against your own mind, and you are the strongest person I know. You are not alone, we will get through this together.” 

I cried as I hugged her tightly. “Come on, let's get you home,” she said. We grabbed my possessions and left the cabin, walking into the dead of night. “The car is just through these trees” she whispered, her hand held mine tightly as she walked in front, tugging me in with her. The final sparkles of light from the cabin slowly disappeared “I love you Mum” I said.