Dead Center

Agnes’s Diary 1872

Written by Agnes Febron in Pennsylvania State Hospital

             I only wanted to scare Hetty. I thought the sight of the gun would stop the insanity. It was Hetty who came after me that day. She caught me in the canning room. She came not only to confront me but to kill me. She was angry with me because she wanted her sister to marry Laurence and I wasn’t going to let anyone ruin what I built with my husband. After all, I am the lady of the manor! I felt the scorn since the dance, but which of the three who hated me, I did not know till then. I always sensed the cynical nature of Hetty. She was stern and matter of fact and liked to be in control but a killer? I didn't see it coming to this. She had me trapped in the canning room, wielding a hammer over my head, but I managed to escape through the window. My kick warded her off long enough for me to attempt this feat, and I was able to pull myself through. That is when I saw Henrietta coming to the house. I thought she was coming after me too, but Hetty yanked me over the windowpane and knocked me out. When I regained consciousness, Henrietta was holding her sister back from coming after me but at any second, I feared, Hetty would bust free. The hammer lay on the floor and Hetty was attempting to reach for it. Her anger was unstoppable. I was so afraid, but Henrietta surprised me. The timid sister she was no longer. She pushed her sister against the wall, and she yelled for me to run, so I took my opportunity. 

           Before I escaped, I glanced behind me, and Hetty's hate-filled eyes pierced my heart. Oh, how it frightened me so. My bones froze, and my heart pulsed fiercely, but Henrietta was brave. I heard her shouting to her sister how she was not going to be controlled anymore and that she knew Hetty was the one that killed their mother and tricked Willis into marriage- there was never a baby. She screamed that she loved Willis, and it was time for Henrietta and Willis to be together. That explains Hetty’s unstoppable ire. Her plan to have Laurence marry her sister so she could keep Willis all to herself went awry.

      I managed to break my body from its fright hold. I headed straight for the credenza and reached inside without a second thought; the Queen Anne was in my hand. My grip was strong. I would march downstairs and demand that Hetty leave the house and never return, but that is not how it went. What happened next has haunted me for the years since the incident. After the baby was born, my mind went dark. The doctor said that sometimes it happens to women after the birth of a baby. He said my body was in shock from the birth and the change in life, but I knew differently. 

           When baby Daniel was born, Laurence was happier than ever having his own son. Each time he laid his loving eyes upon me, I heard the explosion of the trigger. The guilt was unbearable. My mental breakdown came on fast, like my mother's fever, and like my mother's fever took her life, the breakdown took my sanity. Finally, Laurence had to leave me in an asylum closer to Philadelphia. Close enough for him and Daniel to visit and close enough for my father to visit. Those visits gave me the strength to put what happened behind me, but now I must confront it one more time and then bury it with the Queen Anne. 

      My hand is quivering, making it difficult to write this confession, but I must. The only ones that know the truth are Willis, Henrietta, and me. When I came to the basement with the Queen Anne, a sense of desperation rose from the depths of my soul. I had Laurence's baby inside of me, and I would protect our family at all costs. I stood in the doorway to the canning room. Our hard work was there- Laurence's carefully crafted shelves and my jars that would feed us through the winter. I shot Hetty. Dead center. The hole in her head still haunts me. The blood. The screaming. I still played that beautiful song for my love that evening. It was flawless. Lawrence told me I was his beautiful dreamer. He held me on the porch, his hand pressed against my womb where baby Daniel lay. He asked me to never stop dreaming for us. I couldn't disappoint my love with a confession. I must never, I told myself. 

           With The Queen Anne held firmly at eye level, I aimed. I implored Hetty to leave, but my pleas went unheeded. She broke free of her sister's grip, and that's when I pulled the trigger. Hetty fell to the floor. Her body lifeless. What had I done? I slumped to the floor, exhausted. Henrietta left me there and came back with Willis. They took Hetty's body and buried her in the bog. They told me never to mention it to anyone, including Lawrence. For all he knows, Hetty left town. Nobody, except the three of us, know how Hetty left but she’s gone.

           Eventually, the talk died down, and we continued our lives, but the nightmare continued to haunt me. I must keep it between the three of us. Four if you count Hetty. It frightens me so that she somehow knows, and her spirit will come back to haunt me. A hidden tragedy will always be found, but I hope that happens much later after we are gone from this earth. Therefore, I am visiting this one last time and will bury it when I return home to my loves. As I finish this last diary entry, I hope one day my terrible deed will release its grip on me. I never meant harm for Hetty. I never wanted her to die. But for now, this secret needs to be buried so I can live my life without strife.