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Wednesday September 11th

Dear journal,

Today Ms. Alberts told me I should start journaling. (That’s my new therapist btw.) She said I can do a virtual journal so I’m going to type this on my phone. So hi I guess. My name’s Vivianne Dowling. I’m a junior at East Cid High. This is stupid. And I’m not sure what else to say. 

Thursday September 19th

Dear journal,

Ms. Alberts told me I can just tell about my day. This dumb. But she says I have to do it. So here it goes… I had a math test today. It didn’t go well. Mr. Perell says I can get extra credit if I stay after tomorrow. But Eliza and I are going to Jeremy Frisco’s party tomorrow night which I don’t want to miss. Eliza says I should just forget math class- not like college matters anyway. But idk. I didn’t tell her this, but I kinda want to go to college. Anyway, Eliza won’t let me bail. She’s really looking forward to this and she’s been so stressed lately. (I can’t tell anyone this, but her parents keep fighting. I think they might get a divorce.)

Friday September 20th

So I’m on my way to Jeremy Frisco’s party. I’m sitting in the back of Eliza’s Jeep. I told my mom I’m sleeping over at Eliza’s. (She’s at work tonight, so it’s not like she’d find out I was at a party anyway. Unless something happens. But it wont!) It stinks like weed back here. Eliza is totally high. She never smokes. Only one time at a concert last summer. She swears she- Holy s---! She just swerved off the road! I have to go-

Saturday September 21st 3 AM

I’m in huge trouble. Like super huge, bad bad trouble. Eliza crashed her car last night. Into a tree. We’re in the hospital. I’m in the waiting room. Eliza got smashed up pretty bad, and her car is totaled, but I’m okay. Mostly. She looked so bad when they took her back… Her arms are all cut up and she’s got a big bruise on the side of her face… God, I’m in so much trouble. They called my mom. I was supposed to be at Eliza’s house last night- not at a party and smelling like weed! God, I’m dead. I’m so dead. She is going to ground me forever. But it's sooo much worse for Eliza. Her mom is so strict. Oh jeez, I see her mom… She’s crying. Oh god. She’s coming towards me. I gotta go…

Saturday September 21st 5 AM

Eliza’s mom just left. She’s visiting Eliza in her room. The doctors say she’s gonna be okay. But she does have a concussion and a broken arm. I’m so glad she’s okay. I wish I would have stopped her. Or at least insisted I drive. I should not have let her drive like that! I’m a terrible friend. What if her mom doesn’t let me see her anymore? What if Eliza hates me? What if she blames me? I shouldn’t have let her go. I should have insisted she pulled the car over the second I smelled the weed. Oh god, the weed! What if her mom grounds her forever? Or locks her in her room? Or sends her to one of those schools where they force you to take drug tests all the time? Even worse, what if the police find out? What if she gets arrested? Oh god, she can’t get arrested! She’s my best friend!

She can’t get arrested. She’s basically my sister. And it’s not her fault she was smoking. No, no, no! This is not her fault.

Saturday September 21st 8 AM

Dear journal,

It’s her stupid parents’ fault. They’re the ones fighting all the d-mn time. If anyone should get arrested, it’s them. I bet her stupid brother gave her the weed. They should arrest him! They’re so awful. They’re mean to her all the time and always give her cr-p about every little thing. I hate them! She wouldn’t have needed to chill out if they weren’t fighting all the time!

Maybe if she told the cops who sold her the drugs, they’d let her go. I bet that would work! Or, I could tell I gave her the weed. That would help. My parents won’t be as harsh with me as her parents are. I need to do something!

Saturday September 21st 10 AM

Oh jeez, she’s going to be in trouble forever. I can’t help her- what was I thinking? They won’t believe I gave her the weed. God, I’m a terrible friend. I should have just stayed for math tutoring. I should have made her stay at school with me. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to either of us. We’re in so much trouble. There’s no point in fighting it.

But it happened. I can’t change it now, no matter how much I wish I could. I just have to accept whatever happens. If my mom grounds me, so be it! If Eliza gets in trouble, I can’t stop it. I just have to accept it.

Oh… my mom is walking in. (She just got off work from a night shift.) I have to go… Oh good, she doesn’t look too mad. I hope this all turns out okay…

Tuesday October 1st

Dear journal,

It's been two weeks since the car crash. Today is Eliza’s first day back at school. I’m so excited to see her. My mom is letting me stay the night over there next weekend (with her mom there of course) and I can’t be more thrilled. And the best part? Eliza isn’t mad at me. And neither is my mom. Neither of us got into trouble, they were just so glad we’re safe. Well… now Ms. Alberts and I finally have something to talk about in therapy. I’m actually glad that I started journaling. It really helped me that night of the crash to think through my thoughts. I’ll be honest, it’s not as stupid as I thought it was. Here comes Eliza. I gotta go. I’ll journal again tomorrow.

Vivianne Dowling

April 05, 2020 03:24

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1 comment

Sam Ho
11:11 Apr 13, 2020

Vivianne seems so real. I can imagine her voice. Good work!


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