This is the end, my friend...

When you hit more mature years, and if you have managed to mature with them and gain some wisdom on way there, you realize you need people who are going to do the same you do for them: accept you as you are, respect you, love you, cheer for you…

You don’t need a rival, or a frenemy, no idea what is worse. As the years go by, I simply remove someone unbearable regardless of the years we have spent as "friends“. Less stress, more time to devote to the people who deserve it.

Ever since we were kids, Suze was kind of self-absorbed and focused on her own needs but when we were younger that was acceptable due to her charm and a beautiful smile.

It was always about her. "Me, myself and I“ should have been her personal anthem. She even married a great guy because, her words, "I knew he loved me more than I could ever love myself“.

She can’t connect to romantic songs because, despite cheating on her husband for 11 years, she has never been in love, actually (pun intended). She has never experienced longing, flirting, waiting, suffering, the feeling of emptiness even though you have just parted to go to work.

Out of the last ten years, we haven’t spoken for six and for a good reason.

Dialogue 1

- So did you talk to Milo? (My friend with whom I hooked her up so that he could give her some pointers and help her with a new job).

- Oh, yes! -she says acrimoniously.

- I don’t get it. Is everything OK? – I ask confused.

- Well, when did you become an elite manager? – she asks even angrier. Anger is almost palpable, even through the cellphone.

- What do you mean? – I ask missing the context,

- Well, I’d love to know who are the people who made you an elite manager, as Milo calls you, so that they can award the same title to me! – Anger and jealousy flow through the air.

I take a deep breath.

- Suze, what’s the problem here?

- I don’t know what the problem is. Since when have you been deemed "a reputable elite manager“?

Oh, God, this is going to be one of those conversations!

- Why does that bother you so much? Milo and I collaborated on several projects and we think very highly of each other.

- Oh, you do! He said you were, among other things, "a fantastic psychologist“! "When she reads the person, that’s it, no need for further reading.“ Now you know psychology?!

I don’t get the anger. I did have several psychologies at university and passed 11 more during my three M.A. studies. I really don’t see the problem. I start to explain it in earnest but she gets angrier.

- You can’t possibly know psychology better than me! You cannot be better than me, do you understand?!

- Suze, stop yelling! What’s the deal? Did Milo offend you? Did he manage to help you?

- YES, HE OFFENDED ME! HE SAID YOU’RE THE SMARTEST PERSON HE’S EVER MET! THANK YOUR LUCKY STAR I HAVEN’T CALLED HIS WIFE TO TELL HER!

She is yelling like a lunatic. Tell her what? Milo’s wife and I are good friends. I tell Suze that and she goes wild:

- You know what? Fuck you! Both you and your fancy friends!

She hangs up and I stand on the bridge. It is late December. I am still recovering from the surgery and my father’s death yet I am going home from work and she has never acted like this before. However, I am not putting up with that. I text her not to get in touch with me for a while.

Suze and I went to the same primary school and high school. I love her family but I don’t like her very much. I love her but not really like her. She is such a high maintenance that I am now grateful I had my hands full with family stuff and funerals and health and love issues and she wasn’t the focus. That is the main problem. Suze doesn’t live in the heliocentric system. She lives in the Suzycentric system. I know she struggles with her insecurities, her own lack of growth mindset, but I always forgive her. Her family thinks I am her best friend. She thinks that too. I think I am too tired to argue and conclude she thinks, most likely, that I have weathered all my storms and I can focus only on her. But I can’t. I need time to heal from all the losses, physically and emotionally, and I can’t afford to have her as the focal point of my life.

Dialogue 2

- Imagine you can spend $1000 without batting your eyelids!

- OK – I said cautiously since I have no idea where this train of thoughts is going.

- Just imagine!

- I can spend $1000 without batting my eyelids!

Silence. I can feel her seething with anger. She is all kinds of negative feelings.

- What do you mean you can? Since when do you have that kind of money?

I smile for myself and say nonchalantly:

- I saved quite a few bucks!

She hangs up.

Dialogue 3

I discuss my new boyfriend. I tell her he is „a fine specimen“ (yes, it’s objectification, I know, but I can’t help it). I share my worries that I might be a bit rusty in the sex department since I haven’t had it for a while.

- I don’t think I remember how it’s done anymore – I admit.

- I am a fantastic lover! My lovers and my husband think I am superb in bed!

I start laughing because this surge of confidence and self-admiration is not Suze.

- What, you don’t trust me? Ask them!

- No, no, no need, I believe you! – I say on the verge of tears.

- And I have to tell you something. You with your fine specimens – it’s far from the truth! My lovers are better looking and more attractive than him!

Can’t believe my ears! One of her lovers is about to retire and she describes sex with him as robotic and asks him afterwards when he is going to pay for her invoice. The other one is the guy that helps her get the tenders. He loves her but she threw a tantrum when he took his wife to Rome for their anniversary. She thought she should be the one in Rome, not his wife.

- Aha! So they are older than my guy who is a former athlete, both married, just like you. At least my boyfriend and I are SINGLE! – I emphasize the word on purpose.

- We can do whatever we want with whomever we want and we don’t have to hide and discuss money and tenders afterwards, you know.

- You disgust me! – she retorts full of resentment and hangs up.

Dialogue 4

I got the scholarship! I am going to Boston! Thank you, God, thank you, thank you!

- I got it, Suze!

I still call her because now that I am single again and going to Boston, she is the first person I still want to call when something good happens. She used to shit on all of it but she has been trying. I do hope that one day she realizes other people's success or happiness does not diminish her worth.

I can feel she is trying to sound happy and I know it’s a huge effort for her. At least she’s trying.

- I am really happy that you’re going, - she sounds calm and rational but I know how much effort she has to invest to sound like that.

When I get back, I meet her sister-in-law who is the mastermind behind some State Department agency.

I later find out that when she asked Suze about my scholarship, she said:

- Oh, she went shopping and hooked up with some Kiwi guy!

I am hurt. Hilary tries to comfort me saying she knows how big that is and how demanding the program was and good for me for being at the top of it but the sting remans. Eventually, I just take a few deep breaths and think: "Well, Suze, at least you tried! God knows how much that cost you!"

Dialogue 5

Husband issues. Not his fault, I know. She says:

- I cannot believe he is putting me through this! This is not happening to decent people!

- Neither does cheating. - I can't help myself. She blames the only person that really loves and cares for her because he and his colleagues were set up.

- What did you say? – she sounds incredulous. I am too because she can’t comprehend her cheating was worse than this.

- You heard me.

- Do you know what I am going through? I am sending packages like a crazy person, Decent people don’t do that to their families! I have to go grocery shopping five times a day! I….

I stop her.

- First of all, we knew he had problems because of work but you refused to talk to him. Instead you sent him to the shrink and she said he was under a lot of pressure, she wanted to talk to you and you refused. You also refused to talk to him about his problems and constantly pressured him to help you "expand your business“. You don’t have a huge company! You have a small business, you and your partner! A week before that incident, you gave him the divorce papers to sign! Your own son tore them up and threw them in the bin telling you to get a grip of yourself! Do you see my point?

She hangs up. Again.

One of several dialogues regarding my illness

- What’s the news? Is it there? Has it spread?

- I don’t know really, I still have to do the scheduled screenings, MRI.

- My brother had HPV… - and she launches into a long monolog about her brother’s HPV. That has nothing to do with me. I have some sort of blood cancer. Then she says:

- You know, I also had some issues with iron.

I cannot believe it!

- Your iron has been elevated by 1 point! ONE! I have no hemoglobin, my red cells are empty, I can hardly breathe, I lean on the walls in my own house to go to the kitchen or bathroom and you are going on about your brother’s HPV and your iron level!

- Well, you don’t want to have coffee and you have always been there for me and I expected you to do the same now. You know, I had a huge fight with Alex’s sister…

Anger is great. It raises me up. I am fuming. I am kind of afraid some blood vessel may burst but anger makes me feel alive. I don’t even have to lean on the wall.

- Listen, you moron! I AM SICK! IT PAINS ME TO SAY SO BUT I AM! THIS CANNOT BE ABOUT YOU! DO YOU GET IT? I CAN’T HAVE COFFEE! AND THE RIGHT THING TO SAY WOULD BE "Hey, I hope you feel better soon so that we can have coffee“, or "Maybe having coffee together may help you out“ but no! It had to be about you! Please don't call me anymore!

In the afternoon one of my closest friends and her husband bring me their Norwegian electric radiator without asking - the temperature is going to drop and they think I should be warm. Suze can boil in her self-centredness. I know she feels guilty, guilt consumes her at times but I need to focus on other things. I am getting warm because of the above mentioned friends. You can buy health but not real friendship.