Blue Checks

hey

i miss you

R u ok?

Ok, seriously. Pls write back. I’m actually getting kind of nervous now.

Did i do something to piss you off? It’s just been 3 weeks and idk i dont see the blue checks so it doesnt even look like youve seen my messages.

Is it creepy that i have that setting on? I swear im not trying to freak you out or anything. It helps with my anxiety to see if someones read it, ok? And clearly u havent.

do you have me blocked or smth?

Is that whats going on?

Seriously tho what did i do???

Im sorry. whatever it was i didn’t mean to.

If you just tell me what i did we can talk about it. Ill pay for coffee?

please write back. Ik im pathetic. literally down on my knees begging now

Ok now im totally freaked out. Im coming over. Ill be there in like 15 mins. Idc if you dont want to talk to me or whatever but i literally just want to make sure that you’re not dead, ok?

Omw.

Its me outside. Pls open the door.

Where r u?

I miss you.

***

Its probably stupid to still be texting you isnt it? The cops said your gone. If they were going to find you theyd have found you already.

not that i don’t think that youd be good at hiding if you wanted to but no one could hide from that. There was a whole ass manhunt. like in those detective shows we used to watch together. It was crazy. you would have loved it.

guess you really wanted to get rid of me huh.

sorry bad joke.

I rlly should delete ur number from my phone. I think i spend a good couple hours every day just staring at it. praying that im going to see those two stupid blue check marks.

youd think im so pathetic. I can hear you laughing at me so clearly. youd probably take the phone out of my hands. Tell me to stop worrying.

None of this feels real. I keep waiting for you to write back i even miss ur annoyingly perfect grammar. Or to see you at the coffee shop on Main or smth.

god i miss you.

***

We had ur memorial service today. Still doesnt feel real

It was at the community center. not the church. Made that happen for u at least. U never would have forgiven me if ur family made it religious.

Worst part is you would have hated it. Your boss was there. and he made a speech. Something about how you were such a hard worker and brightened up the office every day. asshole

the whole thing was such fucking bullshit.

i kept wanting to turn to you. dig my elbow into ur ribs and listen to the sarcastic comments you always made. U would have made it bearable.

It wasn’t.

I had to leave halfway through.

***

happy monday.

Its been eight weeks since we talked. four since you were officially declared missing. two since they said you were dead.

it hasnt gotten any easier. I still pretend ur just ghosting me sometimes. That its my fault. Something i did

Its easier than thinking about the alternative.

please just come back

or at least just read my texts.

i dont even care if you hate me forever. I just want you to be alive. I want u to be ok.

That really shouldnt be such a big ask.

***

just got out of therapy.

fucking exhausted.

jodi wants me medicated. Probably should have seen that coming.

She keeps telling me to talk about it. Says itll help. Says grief isnt linear and shit like that.

I know that talking will help but i dont want to. i hate talking about you like this. In the past tense.

People keep saying that theyre sorry for my loss. i wish they wouldn’t make it all about me. Makes me want to scream. Or start crying. youre the one who lost everything. I dont want to be the center of the tragedy. Because that means that youre really gone and u cant be.

i hate waking up in the morning. when im asleep im somewhere else. Somewhere i don’t have to think about whats happened to u. Sometimes im somewhere ur even still alive. And then i wake up and it all comes crashing down on top of me.

I wonder where you are.

***

Its sunday. I went to church this morning.

Ik you didn’t believe in that stuff but it’s been weirdly comforting for me.

And then coffee at the place on Main we always used to like. I ordered a matcha. Remember you were always bugging me to try it?

I did. It tasted like dirt. Idk how u could stomach them.

i read through all our texts again today. Jodi suggested it. Suggested i write about you. us. so i went through everything. Remembered what we had before it all happened.

Remember when you dropped ur phone in the river? I told you not to take it in the kayak. u were so furious that u had to spend 500 $ on a new one. And that screenplay we wrote together. I havent even looked back at it since everything. But i remember we were so excited. It was going to be the next great american blockbuster. Honestly its probably terrible.

youre dead arent you? Ur really gone for good. I should have known. You wouldnt just ignore me. That wasn’t who you were.

Its been four months now. I get that grief isn’t linear or whatever but it hasnt gotten any less painful. Sure i think of you less but its just as awful when i do. Im starting to think closure is a myth.

I dont know how i’m supposed to go through the rest of my life without you.

But i guess i'm just lucky that I got as much time as i did with you. I try to remind myself of that. Every time i feel like ive been ripped apart.

I hope i get to see you again some day.

I miss you.

***

Replying to Message: ‘i miss you’

I miss you, too.