The Honeymoon

I woke up and stretched. My fingers felt weird. Not quite long enough and in the wrong place. My head seemed to be sitting all wrong on my shoulders and somehow I was splayed on the bed in a really odd position. It was Sunday morning and we were due to fly home. My honeymoon had been an unmitigated disaster and I wondered how things were going to work out once we were back.

‘There now, that’s much better,’ I heard Dan say.

I tried to reply but words didn’t come out of my mouth, just this strange sound – a sort of yowl. I tried to sit up and fell over sideways. My eyes weren’t functioning properly, everything seemed to be black and white with occasional shades of grey. I felt Dan’s hand – it seemed to run down my body in a way that was about the most sensual it had been the whole holiday.

Dan had spent the fortnight telling me that I was fat, that my clothes, especially swimwear accentuated my chubbiness. He drank too much and told me just how unattractive I looked compared to the other girls on the beach, by the pool, at the bar. In fact it would appear that everyone had been more attractive than me. I tried to stand up again – I knew I hadn’t drunk that much the previous night. I could see out of the corner of my eye the suitcases all packed in the corner but I still couldn’t quite make my legs and arms work.

Someone opened the door.

‘Did it work?’ It sounded like Eleanora the chamber maid – the very attractive, slim, elegant chambermaid.

‘Like a charm,’ I heard Dan reply. I was confused – it looked like she was wearing my jeans and top – the ones that I bought before I put on the weight and packed to remind myself not to overindulge. I tried to speak again but another yowl came out.

‘Ah here pussy, pussy,’ I heard her say and then another hand, rougher this time seemed to somehow pick me up and put me outside the door of the chalet. I sat on the floor of the verandah and tried to make sense of what had just happened and that’s when I noticed the tail. It seemed to come from behind me somewhere and then appeared to go underneath me. I felt like I was squashing it somehow. I tried to move and the tail moved too. I rolled over and the tail sprang free and that’s when I realized it was attached. I scrabbled to my feet but didn’t go anywhere. I was rooted to the spot. I seemed to have four feet, four legs …. and a tail. 

Wobbling as I tried to gain my balance I moved nearer to the French windows that opened into the room. Dan was snogging Eleanora – the full works, tongue down the throat, hand down the jeans, my jeans, and Eleanora was clearly enjoying it. A knock on the door stopped their antics and a voice called out that their taxi was ready. Dan passed the luggage out and looked towards the verandah. He spotted me looking through the window and waved. 

‘Bye Fatty, enjoy the rest of your life …’ and then he and Eleanora disappeared.

I sat down on the floor and tried to make sense of what was going on. I thought I must be dreaming and that perhaps if I pinched myself I would wake up but I didn’t have any fingers. I tried biting the tail but I couldn’t reach it so I nibbled my leg. It just hurt. I thought perhaps the dream was a sign that I should definitely leave Dan once we were home and not try to lose weight and patch things up. Well I thought most cats can jump so let’s see if I can jump onto the comfy basket chair and mull over my options.

Fifteen minutes later I had rather inelegantly managed to scrabble up the wicker chair and arrange myself on the cushion. I seemed to have too many appendages and sorting out which leg went where and avoiding catching my whiskers was quite challenging. The sun was just swinging across the verandah and it was warm and cosy. I settled down for a snooze.

I was awoken by an Eleanora lookalike bashing me with a broom and chasing me off the verandah,

‘Shoo, pesky stray – get away,’ the broom swept me off the verandah into a bush. I tried to explain it was my room but again no words, just a weird mewling sound. ‘Great big fat brute, go away and don’t come back.’ She slammed the door and I could see her stripping the bed linen and removing the towels.

Fat – I thought to myself – rude!

‘You need to find your own patch you can’t stay here.’ A voice made me turn round and fall over my feet. I wondered how long this dream would last and whether I would learn to walk properly before I woke up. I looked toward the voice and saw a thin black and white cat, with green eyes and a spiteful expression.

‘Don’t think anyone will have any sympathy for you … you’re not the first and you won’t be the last. You’ll get over the shock soon enough.’

I tried to reply but couldn’t. The cat just laughed and stalked off – tail held high.

‘Don’t forget – move on, this is not your patch.’ I heard as the cat strolled off down the path towards the beach. I decided to try walking again, watching the cat and trying to mimic its actions. Every couple of steps I tilted and found myself lying on my side.

‘Having trouble?’ I heard a voice. It sounded kind and warm, a purry sort of gentle voice. I glanced round to see a large ginger Tom looking at me. ‘Don’t take any notice of old sour puss … she was abandoned here years ago and is still angry with her partner.’

I tried to look like I had some idea what he was talking about. I tried opening my mouth but nothing came out. I slipped sideways again with the effort of attempting to speak. I swear the ginger cat was trying not to laugh. He came and patted me with his paw in a friendly way.

‘Look, you need to know there is no way you can go back. This is the Dominican Republic but we are right on the Haitian border and there’s some serious Voodoo shit over there. Your man has headed back home with his Haitian bird and left you here. First you need to know you can’t speak you need to think your words.’

‘Think my words, what the hell does that mean,’ I wondered.

‘Exactly that ..’ was the reply.

‘Did you read my mind?’

‘Yes, that’s what we all do – the changeling cats. There are about 11 of us – 12 with you. But you are certainly the best looking lady that’s rocked up in a long time.’

‘Hmm smooth talking cat,’ I thought and saw the grin again. I wondered what he had looked like before. If that grin was anything to go by a real charmer.

‘My girlfriend thought I was an overweight ginger minger in answer to your question,’

‘Need to make sure I keep my thoughts to myself then ..’

‘Or turn the other way – can only hear you when you’re facing me,’

I didn’t want to try turning at all, previous attempts at walking had left me looking ridiculous. I wondered if the ginger charmer might be willing to give me a few tips.

‘Don’t try to think too hard. Just move naturally. You are always going to be a human in a cat’s body but you need to separate your brain from your body and let your body just move.’

I tried, it was easier than I expected. Perhaps because back home that’s exactly what I did, working in an office where I spent most of my time inputting bloody, boring data and trying to ignore the inane chatter around me had given me plenty of time to separate myself into lots of boxes.

‘Wow, you are sashaying like a pro….’ said my new found friend, prompting me to tumble over sideways.

I felt myself begin to well up, I wasn’t sure where the tears would come from or where they would go, but it all suddenly seemed slightly overwhelming and surreal. I was hoping that I might wake up soon, despite the fact that the ginger cat was about the friendliest thing I had found on the island since I’d arrived with Dan two weeks before.

‘Come with me,’ that warm, purry voice was reassuring. ‘Follow me down towards the beach and then behind the shed where they store the kayaks.’

I made it down to the beach and padded round the back of the kayak shed. A hole in the wooden slats at the back led inside, where there were old towels, pillowcases and odd garments that had clearly been left on the beach.’

‘We live here, the kayak guy knows but doesn’t seem to mind. There’s plenty of food. You’ll want human food. It’s one of the weird things that you retain the same likes and dislikes as before. But there’s loads of food here. So much waste with all inclusive resorts you’ll never go hungry. Are you hungry now? I happen to know they’ve thrown away a big batch of pasta’

I nodded I was actually quite hungry. If this dream was going to last a little longer then spending time with this ginger cat might not be too bad. I turned my head away so he couldn’t see the vision of Lady and the Tramp and that piece of spaghetti  dancing through my memory.