Top Ten Ways to Make Your Ex Jealous

Submitted into Contest #157 in response to: Write about someone deliberately trying to make somebody else envious.... view prompt

6 comments

Funny Contemporary

Whether your ex is a psychopathic lunatic who can’t treat you right to save their life, a player who lives off people’s heartbreak like some sort of beast, or just the average lover who ended it with a friendzone (so also someone quite insane), nobody wants to be seen as worse off after a break up. It’s embarrassing, frankly, and if you don’t want to resort to moping around watching soppy romance movies and sobbing over a tub of stiff ice-cream – “That could’ve been us!” – then read on! (If not, then you should probably think about your self-image and learn to love yourself before pursuing your next great failure of a partner.)

Make sure all that comfort food is in the trash, for this guide of the Top Ten Ways to Make Your Ex Jealous will make waves in your life and drown any doubts! Your ex will be swimming in envy in no time, and you can count on it!

10: Socials

At number ten we have a fairly obvious way – on your socials. Hop over to your Instagram page and post as many pictures as you want, as long as all of them show you looking your very best; use your Twitter to flaunt how good life is going for you; post regular funny, light-hearted TikToks. Whatever you do, don’t show any hints of regret, sadness or bitterness. If your ex figures you’re upset or trying to hard, no matter how hot you appear in that trendy, new jacket is gonna affect them, because they’ll realise, you’re deliberately attempting to make them envious. And don’t post too much… if you look like the best thing for you to do is haunt your socials then you are gonna appear worse off.

9: YouTube

YouTube! Surely everyone at some point has sat there, watching a hilarious video with the blankest expression known to mankind, occasionally giving harsh laughs that are so real they sound fake, and pondered on making their own channel. Surely everyone has thought of watching the subscriber count rise up, money and fame coming in quick and fast. No? Anyway, your ex probably had a favorite YouTuber, and if they did, set up a channel and collaborate with them. No – don’t collaborate with your ex, with the favorite Youtuber. That’ll feel like a right hoof in the gut when they tap onto the red and white icon, anticipating the weekly video, and… oh. Your face, grinning cheerily at them from the screen.

8: Multi-Millionaire Business

Why do you think Jeff Bezos created Amazon? To get money? Pfft! Obviously make an ex jealous. Of course, Amazon is a billionaire company, but let’s be realistic here, you’re not gonna make billions. However, multi-millions may be more of an achievable goal, and it’s easier than it sounds!

To create the perfect idea for your business and to start it up so fast your ex won’t see it coming, just head to our guide on exactly that, titled Making Millions! They’ll be wishing they’d never left you so you could’ve shared the income…

7: Partying in Places

Everyone has a destination they’ve always dreamt of going to, and your ex is no exception. Some people manage to get there, some people never do. Whatever the case is with your former-lover, with the money paid from your business, go indulge yourself in a lovely trip to their favorite country! Make sure to post lots of idealistic photos of you lounging in the refreshing sunshine to you partying the nights away for your ex to sob enviously over.

6: Marry into a Royal Family

Royal families are always expanding, which means new members – and more importantly, more single people! Single people who will swoon for a person like you. It’s another idea much easier than it sounds. Chances are you probably have a friend of a friend of a friend whose sister’s friend of a friend of a friend has an uncle whose friend knows a royal, or something like that. Once you’ve figured out who that is, you can find them, explain your relations to them, and then bedazzle them with your brilliant looks and personality! You’ll be married as quick as instant coffee. Make sure to accidently send your ex and invite, just to rub it in their face…

5: Making the News

Favorite YouTuber, favorite destination… your ex has a lot of favorites, which you can use to your advantage. Surely, they should have a favorite celebrity – whether it’s a footballer, an actor or actress, a singer, or something else, make the news with them! You’re already being petty and dramatic, so it shouldn’t be too hard to stir up some chaos when you see them on your daily trip down to where your business thrives. Anything half-interesting can make the news if it has a celebrity involved, even if it’s simply describing their outfit as they head out to their Pilates club, so once the celebrity is located, getting the front page on a few newspapers won’t be difficult at all. You’ve probably already got yourself living in a high-rise apartment block in the center of the city basically hundreds of famous people live in with your millions, so there will be one when you run your daily errands, trust me.

4. Your Country’s Got Talent

Ever since the original Britain’s Got Talent started, there’s been spin-offs in almost 70 countries. There’s a good chance your country, or a country nearby, has one that you can enter. And win. You don’t even have to be unnaturally talented – just crack a few jokes that all tie together at the end, you’ve got a golden buzzer, and your ex is fuming. Improve it slightly for the semis, then improve it a little more and add some jazz to it for the final, and you’ve already bagged yourself a spot for win. Simple.

3. Fake Dating

The top three! Now, if the royal family member didn’t fall for your charm, we’ve got you. The perfect way to prove to your ex you’ve moved on is to fake date someone, because you don’t even have to commit to anything serious, as, well, it’s fake. And the best person you could possibly fake date to make your ex jealous, is their best friend. Chances are they might have a decently loyal best friend who wouldn’t ever date you, but you can solve that with a blind date – they’ll get a taste of your awesomeness and never be able to give it up. And then you make a deal with them: they fake date you, and they get to be in your blissful presence regularly for at least a few months. And perhaps you fall for them along the way. Only makes your ex a little more jealous when your making the news once again as “multi-millionaire business owner marries at beautiful wedding ceremony”.

2. Breakup Song

At a close second and a fan favorite, writing a breakup song or album always seems to do well. I mean, if someone can make the charts by essentially adding a few swears and a rhythm to the alphabet, then nabbing a Grammy seems like an easy feat when your new anthem drops and all the other people sobbing over stiff ice cream, unknowing of this beautiful guide that could save their tears, listen to it on repeat, and some random teenager creates a trend to it on TikTok before its even officially released. Your ex will be so jealous and regretful of ever letting you go as they watch your tour tickets sell out and following on every single social blow up.

1. Marry Their Pet

Our top way of making your ex jealous! Wowzah! Also, the trending new way to cope with heartbreak, it seems. Whatever pet they have, wherever they live, all you gotta do is sneak into their place a few times to have dinner with the animal, and you’re in love. Pop the question, have a secret ceremony (your family and friends shouldn’t question your sanity at all). Works great if the fake dating or marrying a royal didn’t work out for you, or if you broke up in either situation. If you want to know exactly what type of pet of your exes is best to date if they have multiple or perhaps even if you want to buy one for yourself to date in the comfort of your own home, here’s our top five household animals which make great romantic partners:

1.      Dogs – they fall in love with anybody they meet, and you’ll never even discuss divorce.

2.      Cats – a cat makes a brilliant independent lover, only they can be a little antisocial.

3.      Any type of rodent – incredibly sweet, only some may bite and are typically nocturnal.

4.      Tortoise – long life expectancy, slow so won’t run away from you.

5.      Rabbit – one of the best cuddlers on the planet, sweet and playful all day long.

*

There you have it! Hopefully these were of use to you, and your ex is now immensely regretting ever letting you go.

August 01, 2022 17:16

You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.

6 comments

John Jenkins
23:00 Aug 12, 2022

The funniest part was when you said: stiff ice cream. I'm going to have to steal this idea for the next time around. Thanks again.

Reply

Zoë Page
11:00 Aug 13, 2022

Pleased it prompted a laugh :) thanks!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Naomi Onyeanakwe
20:42 Aug 09, 2022

This was fun to read, funny too (I literally laughed out loud at this part: "I mean, if someone can make the charts by essentially adding a few swears and a rhythm to the alphabet...") I also really like the format of the story and the outrageousness of some (well, most) of the tips. Well done!

Reply

Zoë Page
11:12 Aug 10, 2022

I'm glad it was funny and not too over the top! Thanks so much :)

Reply

Naomi Onyeanakwe
14:29 Aug 10, 2022

You're welcome 😊

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Zoë Page
18:52 Aug 01, 2022

If you liked the idea of number one, I would recommend checking out one of my previous stories, Bagel and I! Can be found by going to my profile :)

Reply

Show 0 replies