The Way You See Me

CW: sexual assault, child sexual abuse

He wears glasses, but not the nerdy kind with dark rims, but those with a silver rim that reflect the light, making it almost rimless. He got a broad shoulder and he always dressed in loose shirts and tight pants. He doesn’t like following fashion trends. He keeps his hair long blond hair a messy half-updo, he looked so effortlessly nonchalant. Always calm and collected. And he’s mine.

I reached for his hair letting the silky strand slip through my fingers. I should feel lucky, so many girls and gays wanted him, but he chose me, a girl who anyone barely noticed. His complete contrast. If his hair is golden threads, mine are waves of dark shadow. His skin is pearly white while mine is wooden brown.

He closed the book he's reading and took my hand still playing with his hair and brought it to his lips. “If you keep this up, I’ll make love to you right here in the library.”

“Stop joking.”

He leaned over, his sublime scent tickled my senses. “I will if you want.”

I wilted on my seat. I can’t tell when he's serious or not, his expression never changes. Sometimes I wonder if he’s actually a robot, but then again he wouldn’t have so many bleeding cuts after training so hard to cook me dinner on our two years anniversary. I love him, and I feel he loves me too, he’s gentle and caring, but I wish to hear him say it too. I want him to talk to me more, but after two years, I know I’ve barely scraped the surface.

I kissed the base of his ear. “Behave yourself.”

He straightened up and a shadow of a smile appeared on his lips. He went back to his book and I return to playing with his hair. “I wonder how it will be to be you?”

“Wonderful,” he replied without taking his eyes away from the page.

I fake a surprise gasped. “Wow, so good to know I got such a humble boyfriend.”

“It’s wonderful because I have you.”

I suppressed a smile. I opened my mouth to speak but clapped my forehead as the familiar dizziness struck me. It’s been happening a lot ever since I missed my period, followed by nausea. I already checked for pregnancy but it comes out negative, which is good, he never explained it but he told me early on that he doesn’t want kids. However, I’m only twenty-one and he's twenty-six, we still got a lot of time. I still got time to change his mind. If only I know what’s on his mind.

A wave of nausea attacked me. I stood up and walked to the comfort room, but I’ve only taken four steps when I felt lightheaded and a strong fluttering in my chest, then the muscles in my body seemed to have stopped working, I’m falling. “No!” I said and he turned just in time as my vision blackout.

He tossed the book aside and called out my name. In one swift movement, he was out of the seat and had me in his arm. I can feel my heart banging against my chest, no, it wasn’t my chest. He called my name again and despite his calm voice, I physically feel his panic, as I looked at my unconscious self in his arm.

I’m looking at myself?

I tried to lift my hand to block my eyes, but I instead bent over, long golden strands pooling on my chest as one of my hands wrapped securely around the back of my knees—wait, I’m seeing what he sees, feeling what he does!

“What happened?” a librarian asked him.

“Please, call an ambulance,” he replied.

The librarian nodded and pulled out her phone. He went to the nearest vacant sofa and lie me down. He took a good look at me and I wanted to cry. I looked way more beautiful through his eyes than when I look at myself in the mirror. I can feel his fear, not only for my condition but a constant hummed. I can hear his thoughts worrying if I’ll ever love him if I know what’s he’s hiding.

He took his phone and look at the time. A minute later, he checked again and again, after more than two minutes he was panicking. He lifted me again and head for the exit, hating himself for not having a car, then felt relieved when the sound of an ambulance stopped in front of the library. The medics loaded me in the car and drove away with him not letting go of my hand.

***

It was a short ride to the hospital and I was immediately treated. The whole thing happened inside forty minutes but he felt it like forever before the doctor came out and spoke to him.

“You don’t have to worry she’s safe now,” the doctor said making him relieve, but then the doctor went on before he could ask. “Are you her relative?”

“Her boyfriend,” he said and I can feel pride swelling inside him as he says it.

The doctor nodded. “Okay, then keep in mind that it’s important to keep an eye on her. How many weeks is her pregnancy?”

“What?”

“Oh, you don’t know she’s pregnant?” the doctor said and went on again to explain about my low blood sugar and iron level and why I fainted, but he wasn’t paying attention. All he wanted was to block his ears as the word pregnant echoed in his head. “You can go in her room now, she should be waking up soon. I’ll write down the vitamins she needs and see you again.”

He managed to appear calm as the doctor informed him of my room number and even thank the doctor before turning toward where I rest.

“Why are you here?”

He went rigid at the sound of his mother’s voice, then raged filled his heart as he calmly turned to face her. The elegant soft-spoken woman in my eyes looked like a monster now that I’m seeing her in his eyes. He felt both fear and anger towards her. “What about you, what are you doing here mother?”

“Mother? Why don’t you call me mom like you used to?” She reached to touch his arm but he stepped back. He was scared of what he might do to her. She laughed softly and a horrible shiver ran through his spine. He felt sick as the memory he keep buried in the deepest part of his mind made its way out. Just as it always did whenever he sees his mother. The memory of her sneaking into his room and touched him in his sleep. How she ignored his plea for her to stop, and how she forced herself onto him for many nights, made his body respond against his will, nearly breaking his mind. She blames him for it, she said that it was his fault for being beautiful. She manipulated him to believe that no one would believe him, a guy, to be the victim and would instead bring shame into their family.

“Oh, you’re still here?” The doctor said and approached him. The doctor handed him the prescription. “Make sure to get it for her. Her pregnancy is a bit delicate and she needs every help to stay healthy.”

He nodded at the doctor who smiled at both of them and says goodbye. The moment the doctor left his mother covered her mouth and spoke with excitement. “You’re girlfriend is pregnant? This is exciting! Why didn’t you tell us? Your father will be happy as me about this news.”

The memory of bumping into me when he ran away from her that night seven years ago flashed. I was fourteen, and nothing else but a kid in his eyes, but it was because he saw me that way that he let his guard down and let me help. My single father sheltered him, hired him to work in our company. He let no one get close but accepted me, the only girl who managed to claim his heart.

He collected himself and interrupt his mother. “I will talk to dad, but you better go near my girlfriend or my kid. Who knows what you’ll do to them.”

His mother looked hurt. And I feel his need to hurt her more, make her feel the disgust he felt whenever she’s around, but he stayed silent. He punched his fist into his pocket and turn to leave.

“It’s been so long ago. You should move on and forgive me already!”

“Mother, I moved on. But you never ask for forgiveness,” he said without looking back.

He leaned on the door outside my hospital room and slid to a crouch. He lowered his face and clutched his head, his heart breaking as tears silently streamed down his cheek. I want to hug him, comfort him, and I want to wake up.

***

I opened my eyes when the door of my room slide opened. He entered carrying a pharmacy bag. He took a big stride toward me. A faint smile on his lips. Smile that I now know he reserves just for me. The calm, expressionless face which I know holds so much hurt and so much love for me.

He took my hand and kiss it, then he glanced to my stomach and kiss my lips. He doesn’t need to say more. I understand. Despite his past, despite his fear, he wants our baby.

“Marry me.”

“Why because you accidentally made me pregnant?” I wish I could take it back the moment it comes out of me.

He kissed my forehead and my lips. “Marry me because I love you.” He took my hand and place a ring on my finger, then kiss it.

I threw my arms around his shoulder and pull him close. “I love you too.”

He kissed the top of my head. “I have something to tell you, and I hope you’ll still feel the same afterward.”

I smiled. “I’m sure I’ll love you even more.”