God and the Atheist

Everything had gone wrong for Alex since his dad got sick.

Only 22, he felt like Atlas, carrying the weight of the world on his back.

He dropped out of college in order to come home and be of help to his dad and his mom, but not before accruing a nice little sum of $32,000 and some change in student debt, having had only one more year before graduating with honors, which Alex had considered that was some shit indeed looking back at his poor performance in middle and high school, Mom even commenting proudly that she always knew that he had it in him to do well.

He was working at Sim’s All-Nighter on graveyard shift, a shift that worked so that he could be there at home while Mom was at work having picked up a job as soon as Dad couldn’t work anymore. And what he brought in was eaten up by paying his loan and paying some rent to Mom so that she could keep the bills paid.

Home was miserable. His dad was demanding and mean these days. He used to just be loud and obnoxious, but multiple sclerosis had taken a mental toll on him and now he was loud, obnoxious, demanding, and mean, something he had to deal with on zero sleep and often brought him to tears, standing there being screamed at while he was doing his best.

During his time at UCLA, his girlfriend of five years had started seeing Angel, the guitarist in his band and he had lost both his position in the band and his girlfriend well before he returned home; well before he knew it.

He looked up amulets, lucky stones to wear, anything that would relieve him of the pressure he was under.

He had bought all the stones—citrine, malachite, adventurine, and peridot—all considered lucky, and his mom had looked at him like he was crazy, but turned out a masculine looking bracelet with all the stones for him nonetheless.

He bought lottery tickets when he could, hoping the stones were lucky and would lead to fat lottery win to take the pressure off of him and his mom.

He spent what little discretionary money he had online to anyone who offered up a chance at changing his luck, something Mom had rolled her eyes at saying, “The only lucky person is the one you just paid $59 to. Maybe you should set up your own website and do what they do.”

She didn’t get it.

She had tried to tell him. When Dad had called and asked him to come home, she had called him after Dad laid back down and said, “Don’t you do that. He’s my responsibility, not yours.”

“He says he needs me,” Alex said.

“I heard the whole thing. You stay up in L.A. and finish your degree. I’ll take care of things.”

“But…”

“But nothing, Alex. You’re young still and this burden shouldn’t fall on you. He’s mean now, Alex. You don’t understand. I don’t want you around him. ESPECIALLY when I’m not around.”

He hadn't listened and wished he had. His dad was mean and threw tantrums if he didn't get his way. He'd stand there as Alex helped his mom screaming at how useless he was. Worse, Alex would just get to sleep and he'd throw his bedroom door open and scream, "GET UP, YOU LAZY ASSHOLE. I NEED LUNCH!"

He considered all this after he had given the stale donuts to the homeless man that was payment for keeping an eye on him working alone in the store, the owner of the convenience store he worked at too cheap to keep it staffed with two people at night and started the coffee for the morning rush that was pending. He heard the bell ring and a tall, thin, black haired man with intense brown eyes came through the door and Alex called out, “Be right with you,” as he finished preparing the coffee.

And was surprised to hear the man say, “Take your time, Alex.”

He studied the tall man. Not one of his regulars—he knew all of them by name now, as well as what time they came in and what type of cigarettes they smoked and what they did for a living.

“Go back to your task,” the man said firmly, “I’m in no hurry.”

It was the way the man said it. Firm. Definitive. Like a boss. He went back to making the coffee, keeping the man in his peripheral vision to make sure he wasn’t a thief.

The man laughed as he looked through the magazine rack. “I’m not a thief, Alex. You don’t need to worry about me.”

Alex didn’t believe him. The surest way to know what someone was was for them to outright say that they weren’t that.

The man laughed again. “That bracelet and that money you spend online isn’t going to change your luck, Alex. You know that deep down, right?”

“Are you a friend of my mom’s?” It was the only way he could have known that Alex considered, a bit embarrassed that his mom was talking about him to others.

“No, son, I’m not,” the man answered kindly, “but I know a lot about her just like I know a lot about you.”

“Like what?”

“Like I know she cries herself to sleep every night. I know you feel burdened by your dad and betrayed by Angel and Aliyah.”

“Mom cries herself to sleep?” he asked, now a bit intrigued. And confused. Mom was as tough as they come.

“She does. She’s lost her husband, the man she loved the most in life, the one she considered her soulmate. She can’t keep you safe when you’re home and she knows it. She knows you feel burdened, and she hates it; she hates that life has done this to you. The thing is, I can’t help her because your dad is her burden in life,” the man said and then looked at Alex kindly, “but I can help you. If you want me to.” He added, "That might help your mom as well."

Alex studied the man skeptically and then said, “I’ve read Faust, you know. Whatever you’re selling, I’m not buying.”

At that, the man doubled over in loud laughter. “You read Faust? With the state of the U.S. educational system?”

Alex smiled a bit. “Mom made me read it, so I know that there’s a price for everything in life.”

Still laughing, the man said, “And you think I’m the devil?”

Alex said, “Well, I don’t believe in god or the devil, but you do come close to what I imagined when I read Faust.”

“You don’t believe in me?” the man said, brows furrowed, and head cocked. He looked a little bit stung.

“So you are the devil,” Alex replied, “here to offer me what I want for my soul.”

The man smiled gently and let out another low laugh, shaking his head no. “I am not the devil. I am God.”

“Prove it,” Alex said, arms crossed, a bit amused.

“I have nothing TO prove, son. I am the beginning and the end,” he said firmly with a bit of indignation.

“You don’t look like God,” Alex remarked skeptically.

God sighed, tired of explaining that the images of Him were OF COURSE based on the images of Greek and Roman gods. “Look, kid. Do you want my help, or do you want to keep wasting your money hoping it will change your luck?”

“What do I have to do?” Alex asked, arms crossed in front of him.

“That’s the good part. You just have to do what you’ve been doing all along. You’ve been basically a good kid and have turned out to be a fine, responsible young man as evidenced by how quick you were to give up your dreams to help your father.” 

He thought about it for a bit and the man, this God as he introduced himself as, just stood there patiently looking at him, brown eyes becoming soft.

“You can cure my dad?” he finally asked.

The man shook his head no. “I’m sorry, son. I can’t do that for you; I don’t work that way.”

“Aliyah?”

“Aliyah is pregnant with Angel’s daughter. I can’t do anything about that either,” the man said with regret, “but you’re better off anyway. She was going to fool around on you your entire marriage, get pregnant and make you responsible for both Angel’s daughter and the other man’s son. And that band?” he added, shaking his head, “Really? You were the only talented one there.”

“I thought so,” Alex replied resentfully about the band. He looked at the man and said, “So if you can’t do any of that, you can’t be God.”

The man just stared at him for a bit, then looked down. “I can only do so much. My reputation is far bigger than me. It's kind of like the telephone game where one thing becomes something completely different. Things got mixed up along the way. Inflated.”

Alex thought about it and finally asked, “What can you do?”

“I control time. I can fix your mistake. You should have listened to your mom because this wasn't supposed to be your path."

“And I don’t have to do anything?”

“Correct,” God said.

“Mom has always said there’s a price for everything; nothing is free.”

“No, son, nothing is free,” God agreed, looking at him in the eyes intensely, “your life will be what it was meant to be all along. That’s the only price that you’ll pay, but you’re going to pay it up no matter what you choose. That’s the way life is. Everyone has to live with the decisions they make. I’m just giving you a chance to choose differently.”

Alex thought about it and finally nodded. “Alright. But I have to ask: Why me? There are people suffering a lot more than I am. Why not one of them? Why not one who prays for your help? Ones who believe in you?”

“I do help when I can; when things fall under a certain umbrella."

"But not all of them?"

God shook his head no. "Sometimes people make bad decisions based on selfishness and they have to live with the fallout those decisions lead to. Those are the people who pray the hardest for me to help them out," he said and with one part resentment and another part regret, added, "plus, a lot of people don't want to put in the work to make their lives better. They just want me to wave a magic wand and make life better for them."

"But me? I didn't even believe in you."

"Your problems fall under the umbrella. I've watched you work. It was hard to learn the bass and you were in the garage practicing every day. Calculus? You worked really hard to understand it. You put in hours before the light bulb went off and you understood it." God studied Alex. "It isn't mandatory to believe in me, despite what you've heard. Whether one does or doesn't, I still consider you my children."

“Will I get a good job that’ll help me pay off my loan?” Alex asked, finally believing the man in front of him was God. No one else knew the practice he’d put into learning bass and only his tutor at UCLA knew how hard calculus had been for him to understand. 

God stayed quiet.

Alex understood and nodded a little then said, “You can’t tell me that.”

God nodded that Alex was right. “I can only tell you you’re destined for an ordinary life and that what you offer the world is enough. It’s not always going to be easy, but it will be fulfilling.”

“I’m good with that,” Alex said with his head down.

“I know you are, son,” God said and put his hand on Alex’s shoulder. “Are you ready?”

“I am,” Alex said, thinking he’d tried everything possible already. What did he have to lose?

***

When his dad called him, Alex started to pack up his dorm room. He took his ringing phone out of his pocket and answered it. “Hey Mom.”

“Don’t do it,” she answered with.

“I have to.”

“No you don’t. He’s my burden, not yours.”

“How will you manage?” Alex asked.

“That’s no concern of yours,” she replied, “You stay up there. It isn’t safe at home anymore.”

He meant to disagree but the words, “I’m coming home because Dad needs me,” turned into, “Okay, Mom. I’ll stay put.” He blinked in confusion and looked at his phone in wonderment of how what he meant came out as the opposite.

“I’m proud of you and I love you. I’ll see you soon.”

“I love you too, Mom,” Alex replied, still confused.

***

When he found out about Angel and Aliyah, he shrugged and wished them both a good life together.

And when he met Taylor three months later, he fell immediately in love with the shy blonde with the crooked smile in his poly-sci class.

***

His mom sat front row in the audience, reserved for the family members of all who were graduating cum laude from UCLA and he glanced over at her and smiled shyly at her as she smiled broadly when he accepted his diploma.

Over dinner with his friends, he opened the envelope his mom gave him after hugging him so tight that he couldn’t breathe and then kissed his cheek and wished him a safe and fun night with his friends and sat there stunned. The check wouldn't pay off the student loan completely, but it was enough to wipe out a good part of his debt so he could pay it off faster.

Morgan was concerned and asked, “What is it, Alex? You okay, man?”

Alex nodded he was fine. And then stowed the check away in his back pocket and continued celebrating with his friends for a bit and stepped away from the group to go outside. His mom answered the phone, and he could see the smile on her face when she softly said, “Hey.”

“How could you afford that? I can’t accept it,” Alex said.

“I’ve been putting that aside since you started at UCLA,” she said softly, “you can and you will. I’m sorry that you were all stressed out over how you were going to pay for things, but I needed you to want it; to prove to me that you deserved it. And boy did you ever. I couldn’t be more proud. Now, get back to celebrating.”

“How’s Dad?”

“Demented and mean. Just like you saw him on break last quarter,” she replied.

“I’m sorry. I wish I could help you out.”

“You are,” she said seriously, “you’re giving me a reason to go on with my life.”

***

Years later, working with Habitat for Humanity on the weekend, a good antidote for sitting in an office behind a computer as the head manager for Metadyne, the tall black haired man with intense brown eyes working next to him said, “I knew you were worth it.” 

Alex looked at him, confused, and the man just smiled and walked away.

Taylor came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist and nuzzled his neck. “Who was that?” she asked.

“I don’t know.”

“What did he say?”

“That I was worth it,” Alex replied in a confused tone of voice.

“That’s weird. I’ve thought that every day for over 20 years, now. Back to work, beautiful man,” she said as she released him.

He stood there and considered how lucky he’d been in life as he watched Taylor, his soulmate and mother of their son and daughter, walk away.