Come back stronger

Dear Flynn. (And anyone else who reads this)

I knew it was wrong. I knew I shouldn’t have done it. But I did. And although I’m sorry, I don’t regret it. I’m sorry it hurt you. I didn’t mean for that to happen. But if given the chance, I would do it again. It was worth it. So though I wish it would have happened differently, I don’t regret it. And to those reading this after what’s going to happen, I guess I better give you the whole story. I’d like to say it started four years ago but in truth, it started the first day of Year five.

I was the new kid. For the second time. Your class had never had enough people so it was no surprise when I joined you. But I was bad at making friends, too much moving my dad had said. Not enough to form proper connections. I didn’t mind though. I didn’t think I needed friends. But when you came up to me and offered to show me around, I was shocked. Not that it happened, they did it in my old school too, but that it was you who volunteered. You were friends with practically the entire year. The popular kid. I didn’t think you would have time for the new, shy kid. But, like always, you proved me wrong. We became best friends. I looked up to you. You were always there for me and I you. You introduced to the rest of the class and helped me make actual friends. For the next two years, it was bliss. And our class loved drama so there was always something to laugh about. But when secondary school came, you changed. Or rather, everyone else changed. They were trying to grow up as quick as possible so they would be the same in their different schools. Me included. You didn’t want to though. You didn’t want things to change. I called you stupid and said to stop being such a baby, at least we were still going to the same school. I remember your face clear as glass that day. Hurt and angry. I regretted it instantly but the damage was done. We were still friends, but I had lost my best friend for life. And because you were still the popular kid, everyone started to distance me as well. I hated you for it. How dare you take away my friends again just because of one argument. Deep inside, I knew it was my fault. But I refused to accept it. I made new friends and argued and fought with you at every possible moment. I didn’t think much of it then but I do now. That I regret. But for what happened after, well, how I can I apologise for something that clearly made you stronger?

Four years ago, you made a mistake. Ten years ago, I made a mistake. But the difference is, while you never forgave me, you never mentioned it or deliberately changed anything. I don’t think you meant to leave me, I think it just happened. But when you made a mistake, I got angry and so I fought back. I bullied you all the way to University just because of one thing. My bad. But the second year of Uni, you had had enough. You shouted at me and came back stronger, you humiliated me in front of everyone and showed that you would no longer take shit from anyone. I’m proud of you though I have no right to be. So I apologise how it happened and I’m sad that we will never be friends again, but I would give anything to see you rise from the ashes again like the phoenix you are. If anyone tries to knock you down, you come back a hundred times stronger ready to beat their ass to the ground. If you ever meet another me in your life, give them shit. Not for me. For you. You deserve to rule your life the way you wish to. You always have. I’m sorry I tried to take that away. I bet you’re grateful you never have to see me again. But if you can ever forgive me enough to do this, keep an eye on Natalie for me. I don’t want her to end up like her older brother. I also don’t except you to care. Why should you? But you were always a better person than me and I hope you can still find it you to look after your ex-friend’s sister. If you can’t, I understand. I also have a gift for if you want it. It’s the bird charm. Remember? You made it for me at the start of Year six. Said you went to a wood-carving workshop and saw a bird that reminded you of me. A jay. Suits I suppose. Maybe I’ll become one in my spirit form. I always wanted one of those. Imagine, Jay Koock, the spirit visitor. Sounds like me right? Anyway, I’m giving it back now, but I suppose you don’t want it. Why would you? Toss it in a fire if you like. Or whatever. I just don’t want my family to sell it. You might I guess but I can’t stop you can I? I’m gone after all. I don’t know how I decided to do it. A knife, or extreme food poisoning, or maybe I just gave up and jumped off the edge. I don’t even know when you’re reading this or if you even are. I do suppose I made it dramatic though, did it take the police a couple days to find my body? I hope not, I didn’t want to put my family through that. Then there’s the other problem. No honour in sacrifice is there? But I guess I threw away my honour when I stopped being your friend. You were the best thing in my life and without you, it felt like I didn’t want have one. I guess I don’t now.

From Jay Koock.

P.S If people end up investigating the accident and you need to show them this to stop them so they know what happened, try to avoid letting them read it. If you haven’t noticed, it’s kinda personal.