Neighborhood Politics

To: Mr. Clucks

CC: Mr. Moo; Ms. Honk; Mr. Gruff;

Subject: A Friendly Little Reminder

Good morning, Mr. Clucks :)

I hope this message finds you and your day doing very well. I just wanted to reach out to let you know, you sing such a beautiful song—I really admire it. It’s strong, rich in tone—melodic, even. It’s just… Might it be possible for you to not sing every morning? Maybe just a few mornings a week? See, me and a few others are still waking up, trying to get the day going, and the sudden…sound…just proves to be a little jarring sometimes, that’s all. Definitely no offense to you! We would feel that way about any loud sound that early in the morning. Beautiful and all.

We greatly appreciate it in advance! Hope the rest of your day goes wonderfully. :)

Greatest wishes,

Ms. Oink

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To: Ms. Oink

CC: Mr. Moo; Ms. Honk; Mr. Gruff;

Subject: RE: A Friendly Little Reminder

Greetings, Ms. Oink,

Yes, I and my day are doing well, thank you.

Apologies for the singing. I realize not everyone can appreciate rare, sharp, individually harmonic talent—I should’ve kept that in mind when trying to help everyone out by sharing my rare natural ability so freely. But now that you’ve so graciously reminded me of the unfortunate reality, I’ll be more selective about when and how often I grace others with it moving forward.

Perhaps I’ll part with it a few times a week… Or so.

While we’re on the subject of unbearable public grievances, is it possible you could be a bit more conscientious about your hoove print in our collective space?

It seems like mud is spreading further and further, to the point where it’s getting difficult for me and the others to walk around. Our legs and feet aren’t as big as yours, you know. They weren’t made for navigating in such soiled terrain.

So, if you can be more mindful of that, we’d greatly appreciate it.

Sincerely,

Mr. Clucks

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To: Ms. Oink;

CC: Mr. Moo; Ms. Honk; Mr. Gruff;

Subject: RE: RE: A Friendly Little Reminder

Also, is there a reason why we’re getting on me about noise, when Mr. Moo’s highly audible mastications and vocalizations tend to rival those of a dozen hyenas?

Does he not get called out about those things as well?

Just curious.

At least mine only happens in the morning.

Sincerely,

Mr. Clucks

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To: Mr. Clucks;

CC: Ms. Oink; Ms. Honk; Mr. Gruff;

Subject: RE: RE: RE: A Friendly Little Reminder

Hi. I understand your concern, Mr. Clucks, but you do know it’s easier for you to move to somewhere further away, to not hear so much of my “mastications and vocalizations,” than it is for me to, right?

And I can’t help I eat like that—it’s just the way I eat!! And the nature of what I eat. I mean, it’s grass, for crying out loud! And have you seen my teeth?

I’m sure if I had a head the size of a small lemon and no teeth, I'd chew like a librarian, too.

Warmest regards,

Mr. Moo

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To: Mr. Moo;

CC: Ms. Oink; Mr. Clucks; Mr. Gruff;

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: A Friendly Little Reminder

Well, Mr. Gruff eats grass, too, and he doesn’t chew like that…

Ms. Honk

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To: Ms. Honk;

CC: Ms. Oink; Mr. Clucks; Mr. Gruff;

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: A Friendly Little Reminder

Mr. Gruff is like a third of my size!!

Warmest regards,

Mr. Moo

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To: Mr. Moo; Ms. Honk; Ms. Oink; Mr. Clucks;

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: A Friendly Little Reminder

I’d rather not be brought into this conversation.

As a matter of fact, can someone please remove me?

Thanks,

Mr. Gruff

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To: Mr. Clucks;

CC: Mr. Moo; Ms. Honk; Mr. Gruff;

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: A Friendly Little Reminder

Sorry, all, I’m just getting back from third breakfast and catching up.

Mr. Clucks, thank you for being willing to be more mindful of your...beautiful...morning singing.

We do look forward to it those few times a week, so thank you.

Now, regarding my hoove print you mentioned. I mean, I can certainly try my best, but sometimes the mud just kind of…goes where it goes, you know?

And are you sure what you’ve been seeing and stepping in is scattered mud and not something…Mr. Nay left behind?

If it is in fact what you think it is, Mr. Clucks, I mean… If only I had such thin, teensy feet such as yourself, it would be easier to contain this kind of thing, you know? But it's just the luck of Mother Nature’s draw.

I’m sure Mr. Moo can relate :)

That said, I will certainly try my best.

Greatest wishes,

Ms. Oink

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To: Ms. Oink

CC: Mr. Moo; Ms. Honk; Mr. Gruff;

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: A Friendly Little Reminder

Ms. Oink, your best is all that I ask.

Just like I will try to do my best in not singing every morning.

Aka my "luck of Mother Nature's draw."

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Mr. Clucks

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To: Mr. Nay;

Subject: FW: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE:A Friendly Little Reminder

Sorry, all, I’m just getting back from third breakfast and catching up.

Mr. Clucks, thank you for being willing to be more mindful of your...beautiful...morning singing.

We do look forward to it those few times a week, so thank you.

Now, regarding my hoove print you mentioned. I mean, I can certainly try my best, but sometimes the mud just kind of…goes where it goes, you know?

And are you sure what you’ve been seeing and stepping in is scattered mud and not something…Mr. Nay left behind?

If it is in fact what you think it is, Mr. Clucks, I mean… If only I had such thin, teensy feet such as yourself, it would be easier to contain this kind of thing, you know? But it's just the luck of Mother Nature’s draw.

I’m sure Mr. Moo can relate :)

That said, I will certainly try my best.

Greatest wishes,

Ms. Oink

Sincerely,

Mr. Clucks

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To: Ms. Oink;

CC: Mr. Clucks; Mr. Moo; Ms. Honk; Mr. Gruff;

Subject: RE: A Friendly Little Reminder

Ummm Ms. Oink, you know that isn’t my mess scattered everywhere. I only relieve myself in certain specific areas, and it’s nowhere near where your little messy pen is, so don’t try it.

And I love how you’re sending out announcements to everyone but me—and mentioning me in it.

Real classy.

Cheers,

Mr. Nay

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To: Mr. Nay

CC: Mr. Clucks; Mr. Moo; Ms. Honk; Mr. Gruff;

Subject: RE: RE: A Friendly Little Reminder

Oh, I’m so very sorry, Mr. Nay. That must’ve been a clumsy oversight on my part. I surely didn't mean to leave you out.

Mr. Clucks, thanks for forwarding the conversation to Mr. Nay. We want to make sure everyone is always kept in the loop.

Mr. Nay, going forward, I’ll make sure you're saved in my contacts :)

Greatest wishes,

Ms. Oink

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To: Ms. Oink;

CC: Mr. Clucks; Mr. Moo; Ms. Honk; Mr. Gruff;

Subject: RE: RE: RE: A Friendly Little Reminder

Uh huh.

Cheers,

Mr. Nay