Guest List

Hailey was determined to throw an “adult” Christmas party. A dinner party. With a menu and place settings and themed décor and everything. She and Steven had moved in together earlier that year, leaving apartments they had each shared with roommates behind.

Though Hailey would never admit it to her mother—or anyone else for that matter—she had her own doubts about Steven and their future together. But she really did honestly love him and want to be with him. Even if he did always leave his shoes in the living room and never pick up after himself.

It’s the Christmas season, Hailey thought to herself as she lit the candles. This wasn’t the time to focus on her boyfriend’s shortcomings. This was the time to pull off a beautiful, impressive dinner party so that she could prove to the world and to herself that she was an adult woman capable of Hosting.

So that she could show everyone in her life that she was happy and successful and in love. She wanted her parents to see the evidence of her triumph on social media so that when she went home for Christmas tomorrow they wouldn’t focus so much on bothering her about her future and they would stop worrying about her.

She popped the cork off the bottle of cabernet sauvignon that was usually out of her price range. She set it on the counter to let it air.

Hailey checked the time on the clock on her oven. She had told her guests to arrive at seven, but people were always late to these kinds of things. She glanced around the apartment, eagle-eyed for any last minute crumbs that needed to be picked up or decorations that needed to be adjusted. Not finding anything, Hailey sat on the couch, wondering why Steven wasn’t back yet. She had sent him out hours ago to pick up beer and ice, and she hadn’t expected for it to take him this long.

She glanced at the temptation that was the open bottle on the counter but resisted. Hailey still had to cook and serve the whole four course menu that she had prepared, and she wasn’t about to spike the ball at the endzone by getting tipsy and messing up her timing.

The sound of the front door unlocking perked her ears.

Hailey stood up quickly, smoothing the red velvet dress she’d bought just for the occasion. It hadn’t been easy finding something flattering and sexy yet also demure enough to fit better at a dinner party than in a club.

She hoped it was Steven arriving home—late as it was, he wouldn’t have time to change, but she’d be happy as long as he was here in time to greet their guests and play host with her.

When she saw his tall, broad frame and endearing goofy smile enter the door frame, her heart leapt with relief that her partner was back by her side for their big night.

But this relief only lasted the split second before he opened his mouth.

“Baby!” Steven slurred and stumbled slightly as he entered. “You’ll never believe what happened!”

“Steven, where have you been??” Hailey asked through gritted teeth. She tried to remain as calm as she could because the last thing she wanted to be was a nag, but it was nearly impossible to regulate the pitch and quiver of her voice.

“Oooh,” Steven’s friend Chris cackled as he piled into the house behind him, along with two other men that Hailey did not know and had never seen before. “Someone’s in trouble!”

The boys all made mocking faces at Steven as Hailey took a deep breath to try and steady her emotions. None of them took off their shoes, so they immediately started tracking mud and dirt onto her freshly cleaned floor and rugs.

“Steven,” Hailey said in what she hoped came across as a chill and very casually sweet voice, but which was unfortunately dripping with grating venom. “Why are your friends here? We have a dinner party that’s starting right now, and our guests will be here any minute.”

“I know!” Steven said, clapping Chris on the back jovially. “The more the merrier, right?”

Hailey felt her left eye twitch. The throbbing warnings of a stress migraine threatened to pulse out of the back of her head.

“Did you pick up the beer and the ice at least?” she asked, basically stalling for time at this point as she ran through damage control options in the central processing area of her brain like The Terminator recalculating a route.

“Well, I did, you see,” Steven said, gearing up for a long story of an excuse that Hailey did not have time for. “I went to Oak Park Liquor because it has the best beer selection. And it’s right by Chris’s house, so of course I had to swing by and say hi after. And he was playing Smash Bros. with his cousins—Oh, I forgot to introduce them: This is Hank, and this is Freddie. So, I stayed for a couple games, and we had some of the beers, and then Hank bet Freddie that—”

 “Steven,” Hailey interrupted, not interested at all in where this was going. “Can I talk to you in the kitchen for a second?”

“But I haven’t even gotten to the best part!”

“You can tell me after,” Hailey lied.

Steven followed her obediently into the kitchen, but Hailey could tell that his hackles were up. He knew that he was in trouble, and he was preparing to get defensive.

“Oooh, this looks nice!” he said, reaching towards the bottle of wine.

Hailey smacked his hand away before he could touch it, harsher than she’d intended to, but certainly not hard enough to warrant the yelp in pain and wounded look that he responded with. Hailey pulled the Brita pitcher out of the fridge and poured a glass.

“Drink this. I need you to sober up before everyone gets here. And you need to tell your friends to leave.”

“But I thought—”

“No. No thinking. I have been planning this party for weeks. It has been on both of our calendars. You haven’t helped one bit. The one tiny thing I asked you to do, you drank all the beer and let the ice melt.”

“That’s not fair.”

“Isn’t that what happened?” She gave him a piercing look until Steven hung his head guiltily.

“It is.”

“Do you see that table out there? I spent all week on those place settings. It’s set for six people. The two of us and four of our mature, adult, not currently inebriated friends who are on their way here right now.”

“Sounds boring,” Steven retorted with a defiant, sullen glare the severity of which was undermined by the fact that Hailey could tell he couldn’t focus his eyes on her in his state.

Hailey pressed the inside corners of her eyes into the bridge of her nose.

“Do you remember when I asked you for your input when I was making the guest list? You said, and I quote, ‘I literally don’t care. Invite whoever you want.’ That’s what I did. Your time for adding your friends passed a week ago, when I bought all the groceries for tonight.”

Steven sniffed the air. “But what you’re cooking smells so amazing!” He opened the oven despite Hailey’s protests not to.

“Hey guys!” Steven yelled into the living room. “What did I tell you? Hailey makes the best snacks!”

“Those aren’t for you or your degenerate friends, Steven!” Hailey slammed the oven shut. She had completely lost control of the volume of her voice. “Get them out of here.” She didn’t care anymore that they could probably hear her from the living room. “I am trying to be a good host to my friends, and that’s not going to happen if they show up here expecting a nice, adult dinner party and instead they find some frat kegger!”

“Do you see a keg around here?” Steven asked, deliberately missing her point.

“Bro,” Hailey heard Frank say to Freddie (or whatever their names were. She did not care). “That’s such a good idea. I haven’t tapped a keg in months. Should we call Rosco and tell him to come and pick one up?”

“No!” Hailey stormed from the kitchen back into the living room. She ripped the phone out of Hank-or-whoever’s hands before he could fire off a text to his reinforcements. “You all need to leave. I have an event tonight, and none of you are invited. Steven and I need to host— Brad! Isabelle!”

Two of her friends had just gingerly opened the front door.

“Uh, is this a bad time?” Isabelle asked. “We can come back?”

Hailey felt her face growing red.

“No!” Hailey tried to plaster on a smile, but it looked grotesque in its failure to cover up her rage. “Come on in, Steven’s friends were just leaving.”

“Babe, come on,” Steven pleaded. “Doesn’t being a good host mean being open to last minute additions?” He swayed and hiccupped, making it even more infuriating to her that she knew he was right.

“Really, it’s okay. We don’t mind!” Brad chirped graciously and unhelpfully. He handed Steven a bottle of Macallan. “Here, I brought this.”

Steven reached for it, but Hailey snatched it out of Brad’s hands before he could.

“That’s the last thing he needs right now but thank you.” Then, to Steven, “Babe, did you drink the water I poured you?”

“Oh my god!” Now it was Steven’s voice that started to rise, embarrassed to be emasculated in front of their guests. “Would you quit acting like you’re my mother? I am an adult man.”

“Then why aren’t you acting like one?” Hailey asked, horrified to hear the words as they tumbled out of her mouth. She really did sound like his mother. She felt tears well up in her eyes, but before she could respond there was a knock at the door.

In an attempt to distract herself from the conversation, she turned to open it. The other couple was here. Christian held a tray of cookies that Monica had probably made earlier that day, and Monica carried a bouquet of flowers.

“Oh my god honey, what is it? What happened?” Monica pushed in and handed the flowers off to Steven so she could focus on her friend’s distress. This just made Hailey cry harder. “What is it, sweetie?”

“I just wanted to have a nice party. This is stupid. God, I am so embarrassing.”

“Babe, it’s not that big of a deal,” Steven said, trying to step in.

“No!” Hailey lashed out. “It is a big deal! I’m just trying my best here. You are constantly ruining everything. You leave your shoes in the living room all the time. I’m always tripping over your shit. I asked you to pick up TWO THINGS for the party tonight HOURS AGO and you couldn’t even do that. Then you come home SHITFACED with these randos, and somehow I’M the bad guy???”

“Babe,” Steven said softly but not kindly. “The only person ruining your holiday party here tonight is you.”

“AAAARRRRGHHHHH!!!!!” Hailey let out the primal scream of rage and frustration that she had been holding inside her for months. “FUCK YOU STEVEN!” she yelled in his face. “You are SUCH an asshole!”

“Bro, I think this is our cue to leave,” Steven’s drunk friend snickered at him as they headed out for the door.

“Yeah it is ‘BRO’!” Hailey snapped. “Why are you even still here??”

“Have fun tonight,” he tossed at Steven sarcastically.

“Get the fuck out of my house!!” Hailey yelled. This just made them laugh even harder as they piled out the front door.

“Look, clearly this is a stressful time for you,” Isabelle said compassionately. “We can just come back another time. I think you and Steven need to talk this out alone.”

“Thanks Isabelle, I’m sure that will be a real productive discussion considering how drunk he is,” Hailey snapped back.

Isabelle gave her a tight-lipped smile and dragged Brad out the door. He grabbed his bottle of whiskey back from Hailey’s hands on his way.

Steven started laughing, hysterical, drunk, trying to handle the mortification of this situation.

“You should just go too,” Hailey said regretfully to Monica, too tired now to fight anymore.

“You sure?” Monica asked, but Hailey could tell she was eager to get the hell out of there.

Hailey nodded. “Yeah, it’s okay. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

Monica gave Hailey a sympathetic smile but hustled out the door. Hailey watched her go regretfully until she was finally alone with Steven. Then she smelled something burning.

“Shit! My appetizers!!”

Hailey rushed into the kitchen as smoke billowed from her oven the fire alarm started SCREECH SCREECH SCREECHING at her, and the beginning of her stress migraine turned into a full on attack. She pulled the tray out of the oven and opened the window, trying to fan the burnt and now useless empanadas. She tossed the whole thing into the sink violently.

Hailey took a breath and steeled herself for the Relationship Conversation she was probably about to have with Steven, but when she finally worked up the courage to return back to the kitchen, he was passed out drunk on the couch snoring. It was probably for the best, she thought to herself. This was something to discuss in the morning anyway.

Hailey glanced at the open wine bottle on the counter. She didn’t want to go to waste, and she couldn’t bear to look at the twinkling decorations that now seemed to mock her with her beauty. She crept into the bedroom and fished out the emergency unopened pack of cigarettes she kept in a pair of socks in the sock drawer and, checking to make sure that Steven was still soundly passed out, lit one on one of the candle flames before blowing them out, grabbing the wine bottle, and heading up to the roof of her apartment to be alone in the dark of the night air in peace.

***

Hailey could see the festive lights that decorated the single family homes dotting the hills that surrounded the valley her apartment complex was in. The cold night air felt soothing against her face, and as she took a drag of the cigarette she felt her headache start to subside.

But there was an unfamiliar creature sitting on the roof in her usual spot. She tilted her head in uncharacteristically calm curiosity. Perhaps it was because she was too emotionally exhausted to react in any other way, or perhaps she simply assumed that she was hallucinating from the stress.

Though eerie in appearance, the form comforted her. She knew it meant her no harm, even when he turned and fixed his bearded gaze at her.

It was roped in thick chains, with the face of a goat, wearing a red, fur-trimmed suit, and horns twisting out of its head. The thing had hooves for hands, and when it saw her, he beckoned her over.

Hailey was too distraught to care about anything anymore, so she went and sat next to it.

“Shouldn’t you be inside hosting your party?” it asked her in a deep, gravelly voice.

“How do you know I was planning a party?” Hailey asked, more to fill the silence then out of actual curiosity.

“I see everything,” it told her.

“Like Santa Claus?” Hailey asked jokingly.

The thing bleated a short, wheezing laugh that sounded painful to it. “Exactly,” it said. “Just like Santa Claus.”

It held a hoof out at her expectantly. She passed her wine bottle to it, fascinated by how his hoof still managed to grip it easily and bring it to his goat lips for a swig before passing it back to her.

“I can change him, you know,” the creature told her.

“Change Steven? That boy is stubborn as they come. No one can.”

“Then why do you keep trying?”

“I don’t know,” Hailey sighed. “Do you think we should break up?”

“Do you?”

Hailey peered curiously at the beast. “What are you, my therapist?” she joked bitterly. “If you’re some mystical being here to offer me wisdom, well let’s hear it.” She spread her arms out wide. “I’m listening. Clearly I need all the help I can get.”

The thing shook its head, the chains jangling.

“No wisdom,” it said. “Just a gift. Call it a Christmas gift to make the season easier.”

He held out a hoof with his offering.

“A burner phone?” Hailey asked skeptically.

“There’s only one number in it,” he told her gravely. “Access to a hotline. A magic spell. You call them, ask them to change anything you want about Steven. Any characteristic. And it will work. To a tee. He’ll wake up the next morning and BAM.” The goat snapped his hoof. “Just like new, he’ll have what you ask.”

“Anything?” Hailey asked skeptically.

The beast nodded its head. “Or you can keep trying what you’re doing. Shrieking at him whenever things go wrong.”

Hailey winced. She didn’t like the girlfriend she had become.

“Or I could just learn to be chiller,” she suggested.

“That is also an option.” He stood up, shaking his head, rattling the chains as he stretched his long, grotesque limbs and straightened his red suit.

“Goodbye Hailey,” he told her. “And good luck.”

The creature crawled over to the nearby chimney and disappeared down it. Leaving her pondering the phone sitting on the roof top next to her.

She thought about Steven sleeping on the couch in the living room below. The fight they would no doubt have tomorrow morning and how easily she could make it all go away.

Hailey stubbed out her cigarette. She had made her choice.