sorry

I stand in front of her door again. A little autumn rain is falling, but I can't care less.

I stand again, like who knows how many times.

Maybe it’s finally time for me to stop.

And so nothing matters anymore.

He's gone.

He will never return.

No matter how hard I try, I will never be able to do anything…

Like I used to hear a song… my life is a little masquerade… that might be the right description.

I always hid. From everyone, even myself.

I don't blame anyone, I can't even fight anymore, because I think more and more that every hour, minute, second of mine has been determined in some way. And yet, at least one thing I could have done right, and there I failed.

Masks, I just changed masks, in order to be able to hide who I really am.

Weak and coward. That’s the right description too.

What kind of man was I when I couldn't do that one thing in my life right?

Still, I know what the main reason is. I didn’t want to drag anyone else into the vortex I was in. Especially not someone who is innocent and clean.

Anyway, now I see that didn't help either.

Because he's gone.

Never again.

…it started almost idyllic. I was happy for the first time in my life. She was my whole life for a moment. Until she told me she was pregnant, rejoicing and singing without even realizing I was already gone.

Why? I wonder that every day. I really didn’t have any valid reason. She loved me and I loved her. Why I left and never looked back. Until it was too late.

Where I was all those years while my son was growing up I don’t even know. Wandered from city to city, from woman to woman, from problem to problem… Why all this? Just to get back to what was never mine. Why did I ever come back at all?

I actually know why. I am cursed, as I have always known. I have never brought good to anyone.

I first watched them from a distance, secretly. He was already a teenager. Beautiful and so similar to her. I would stay buried in place for hours whenever I saw them. I no longer had the right to talk or ask for anything. I was never there for them.

Not even when she was pregnant.

Not even when he was born in pain and tears.

Not even when he made the first steps, the first words, the first anything… I was not entitled to any of that.

He was my son, and yet he was not, because I was never a father, I was not even man… not even human being.

Even though I knew all that, I was looking for an opportunity to approach them. Not an opportunity, more an excuse.

Maybe… maybe one of them would forgive me. Once. I was selfish again and counted on tears. This time not hers, but my own. She will surely forgive me. I put my hopes in it almost every day.

Then I would wake up bathed in sweat and be aware that there is no forgiveness for me. Maybe for someone else, in some other parallel universe.

Not for me.

Never.

And damn the day I approached her again. I’m sure all this that happened is just my sin. Fate and a curse came upon me. This time it all reached us. Why was I so selfish again?

Why could I just not let them live without me, as they have so far. So calm and serene.

From our long conversations, I learned all about their life without me. Happy life. Maybe a shadow in her eye would sneak in sometimes, but it would disappear just as quickly. And she forgave me. I just still couldn’t meet him. She wasn't sure. She wasn't ready. She wasn't sure if I was ready…

And then there was silence. Painful, nauseating and black.

He died just like that one night, returning from work. He never even saw me. I’m not even sure he knew I was back. Maybe not even if I existed.

Finally, it was right. He didn't even need to know how much harm I had done to him.

I shouldn't have seen her anymore. Because that wasn't right either. After all, I brought her just one more pain. I may not have been directly to blame, but I was by everything else.

I took away from her once again what she loved most.

Now I stand in front of her house again even though I will never enter, I will never ask to see her, nor would she want to.

She finally understood the same as I did.

And again we are at the beginning, but in a much worse situation.

We both suffocate in our own darkness and pain.

The only difference is that she did everything out of love, and I don't even know… I still don't know…

Now I really know what loneliness means. In every possible sense. As much as I tried to kill in myself everything that was beautiful and positive, now I have finally succeeded. Shouldn't I be proud?

It's not worth regretting even that I should never have dragged her into that weird world of mine.

It’s not worth it as much as I’m not worth it.

Even less valuable are the two ruined lives I created and eventually killed.

But I know what I'm going to do, I finally know. All my remaining days I will live with this burden and do so more than voluntarily. I didn't deserve to shorten my torment. I didn't deserve anything. Just continue to live my vain and miserable life as long as I have to.

Even though I died inside a long time ago, this will be at least a small compensation, even though it means nothing to anyone, not even to me.