Shitlandia

She folded the paper and put it back into the envelope for the fifth time. It was an awful truth, but she had to see it one more time just to make sure she had read it right.

“Tears won´t help you right now, deary,” the voice said.

Pham looked around impatiently. There was nothing there. Maybe the news had hit her too hard, and she just wasn´´t thinking right.

Wedding is tomorrow and she wondered for how long this secret could go on before an-almost-begun marriage would come tumbling down.

She glanced at her watch. It was already midnight and she still couldn´t sleep.

“Come on, you´re taking too long!” the voice said again. She was sure, this time, it wasn´t in her head. She got up, pulled up her pajamas and had hands on the flush when she noticed the little shiny creature in her toilet.

“euwww!” Pham said jumping in the corner. She was shaking, and peaked now and then at the thing in the toilet. It looked familiar, but she didn´t want it to jump up in her face.

“Don´t be afraid. I´m here to help you stupid!” it shouted.

“Did you just call me stupid?” Pham asked tip toeing to look at it.

“Yes, humans are stupid; didn´t anybody tell y´all this before?”

Pham could not believe what she was hearing. That shiny creature with grinning face was being rude, but the worst part was that, now she felt stupid and crazy for talking to it.

Maybe I should just hit the flush button and it will go away.

“Don´t you dear gurl, I just done did my hair.”

This could not be happening. Pham needed a shot of Whiskey. Just when she should be resting for her big day, or better yet, preparing to drop the truth bomb on her fiancé, she was here talking to ET.

“What do you need from me?” Pham asked.

“Are you deaf or what? I told you, I´m here to help.” ET said.

“And how will you help me?” Pham asked.

“We have to go now!” ET said.

Pham was determined that she was not going anywhere with that thing.

“I don´t want to do this the hard way, but…”

That was the last thing ET said before sucking Pham through her toilet.

The ride was quick. A flash of lights and there they were in the midst of…

“Did I just read Shitlandia?” Pham asked.

“Yep! Welcome.” ET said.

“I want to throw up, euwww.” Pham expressed her disgust. “Where is this?”

“Right underneath your toilet, deary”

This ET thing wasn´t making it easier on Pham´s stomach which was growling in hunger and disgust at the same time.

“I know what you call me eh.” It said looking up at Pham from tilted eyebrow. “But my name is Beetle, thank you.”

Pham didn´t say anything. She felt guilty for thinking that it didn´t have a name.

“See, that´s why I say humans are weird. Aren´t you going to say nice to meet you?” Beetle asked.

Pham was distracted watching all the other colorful creatures go about. They seemed so busy, and productive picking up skinny, fluffy, and round things falling to the ground.

“What are those?” Pham asked.

“Do you mean the shit humans blessed us with or Blatellas and Periplanetas?” Beetle asked.

Pham was in shock. Did it say shit as an expression or actual shit?

“Yes, the latter!”

“Can you read my mind?” Pham asked not wanting to know the answer.

“I am your conscience baby.” Beetle said twinkling her eyes creepily at her. “Plus I can´t stand your citric smell.”

“Ok, can you tell me what we are doing her please? I have a wedding to be at in 15 hours.” Pham emphasized.

“And I have a party to be at in 5 minutes,” Beetled smiled. “So whose event is more important?” It asked rolling its bright black eyes.

Pham felt weird going to a party in Shitlandia, but telling her Fiancé the truth was much more haunting. Maybe she should just stay there and never get married. Even though she had been there for less than half an hour, she hated hearing shit, shitty, shot, shoot, and all the other versions of shit these Blatella and Peri…whatever they are called were saying.

“You may have all these fancy names, but we humans know you as pest, Cockroaches. Stinky and scary,” Pham made sure to mention.

It made her remember that time her friend Nancy jumped on the dining table because she saw one in the kitchen sink. That was the last time Pham ate around it. The table broke right in the middle.

“Gurlfriend, that was harsh. Are you trying to ruin my 650^th birthday? Surviving from your kind is a struggle,” Beetle said. “Every day is a prize.”

“I think it should be everyday is a gift,” Pham corrected it. “And do you mean 650 years?”

“Of course not! 650 days I mean,” Beetled confirmed. “The females live longer than the males around here.”

“Hmm, whatever! Can we get back to why I´m here?” Pham asked upset and tired.

“Ok, I know you´re having trouble with your lady bag, and..” Beetle couldn´t finish her sentence.

“What do you mean by my lady bag?” Pham asked rather angrily.

“I don´t know how you humans call it, but that sac you bear your babies in,” Beetle tried explaining herself. “Fertility, fallopy, falluterus…”

“Fallopian tube,” Pham said with an attitude.

She hated having to talk about her problem. The news had hit her so hard, she still couldn´t believe it. Many nights she stayed up late with her Fiancé and talked about having children. She wanted 10, well maybe 5, but she sure wanted them, and so did he.

Pham knew this was a problem for many women, but never thought it would one day become her reality. It made her sad and frustrated, and for some crazy reason, she felt like she had already known about it.

“I think I knew,” Pham said from an almost silent voice. “We´ve tried many times, and nothing happened, so I was curious and decided to do the test. I feel less of a woman not being able to give him the children we so long dreamt about.

“Well, I can help you. See girlfriend, I make up to eighteen egg sacs with at least sixteen eggs per sac, and without the help a male,” Beetle explained.

Pham was listening keenly, but wondered off to questioning why God would make Beetle produce so many babies that nobody wanted around. It was unfair, but she didn´t want to hurt Beetles feelings for a millionth time that night. She said nothing.

“Are you listening to me gurlfriend?” Beetle asked. “You have to start with you.”

“What do you mean? Speak clearly. I´m tired,” Pham said from yarning mouth.

“Well, you human ladies think that the man must do all the work to procreate, but nope!” Beetled continued. “You have to train your ovaray  to meet the one, the one that is always competing. What´s the name again?”

“You mean the sperm, Beetle?” Pham asked worried that Beetle may know too much about the human reproductive system. “How do you know all this?”

“Gurlfriend, we see and observe a lot of things from down here,” Beetle said.

That sounded creepy and nasty at the same time, but Pham got the point. Maybe Beetle was right. It all starts with her. She hasn´t been eating right lately, and she definitely hasn´t done exercise in a while.

“I do exercise every day. That´s why I run so fast, even though, I´m getting old,” Beetle showed off her shiny skin, long slim legs and curvy lines.

It made Pham laugh, and that was something she hadn´t done all night.

“You just have to spend more time on you and your body. Downsize if necessary. Workout more and eat healthy,” Beetle encouraged her. “Your Fallopias will thank you later.”

Pham laughed out louder this time.

“It´s Fallopian gurlfriend,” Pham teased. “Thank you a million.”

“My Oothecae contains a lot of protein which helps me to produce more eggs. Your Fallopian is similar to my Oothecae,” Beetle went on. “Just feed it with the right protein.”

Pham fell asleep with her new best friend by her side. She could see this friendship lasting.

“Oh no!” Beetle sighed after hearing Pham´s unconscious thoughts. “I´m getting old. I only have fifty days to go, but I´ll be at your wedding if you invite me. Don´t worry, I won´t bring Blatellas and Periplanetas.”

Pham was knocked out asleep.

“Oh shit!” Beetled shouted.

“If I hear shit one more time…” Pham said waking up.

“No girlfriend, it´s late!” Beetle said with wide opened eyes. “We better get going.”

Pham looked beautiful walking down the aisle. She had Beetle under her veil, safely hidden behind her hair.

A tear drop fell from Beetle´s eye.

“Tears won´t help deary,” Pham teased.

They both laughed as their eyes came to meet the handsome groom waiting at the altar.

“You´ll have a happy life, my dear friend,” Beetle whispered as John lifted the veil covering Pham´s face.

****Six months later****

“Hey Beetle!” Pham shouted done the toilet.

“Heeeeey, girlfriend,” The voice answered back.

“Guess what?” Pham asked excitedly.

“Spill it my gurl,” Beetle said climbing up.

“I´m pregnant!” Pham shouted excitedly.

“So, my Oothecae worked then?” Beetle said surprised at what she had said.

“What are you talking about Beetle?” Pham asked curiously.

“I know you would have said no, so I didn´t ask. I might have put some of my Oothecae protein magically in your Fallopias while you were sleeping,” Beetled explained feeling guilty and happy at the same time.

“Gurlfriend, I´m glad you did, just don´t tell me how you did it. That´s gross,” Pham laughed.

“I love you girlfriend,” Beetle got choked up.

“Love you too Beetle. Don´t forget to visit,” Pham said waving Goodbye to her.

Yanique Annetta Gayle