Yesterday’s Tomorrow

The weather was not as bad this evening compared to the midday sun, and the humidity during the day that made someone wonder if their shower in the morning was worth it. The glass doors of the older downtown building opened onto the lively night life of the small town. 

“Hey,” an African-American man in his late seventies leaving the white-painted brick building, felt a warm hand on his shoulder as he walked down the stairs, “I’m glad you’re here. It was great of you to stop by and hang out with us. I really hope-“

”Look,” the man cut him and shrugged the younger man’s hand off of his shoulder, “I understand why you do what you do. I get it, Dr. Nick. I really do. But like I said earlier to you and to everybody else, I am only here because she wants me here.”

Dr. Nick smiled. He was a tall and thin man in his early forties. His blonde hair and green eyes matched perfectly with the picture on his badge that read Nicholas Dallas - Psychiatrist MD. “I know you’re only here because Alicia wants you here. We talked and she thought it’d be good for you. She’s a good woman. To be with others that are going-“

“To die.” The older man finished as he shook his head. His carmel-brown glasses reflected the orange and purple colors of the evening sky and the outside lights of downtown restaurants that were nearby.

“Not to die, but to fight. Based off of research, reflecting in your journal can help in various ways.” Dr. Nick pointed to the small brown faux-leather journal in the man’s hand. On the spine of the journal with a black Sharpie it read Larry Miller.

”Help me?” Scoffed Mr. Miller. “What will really help is kicking your a-“

”Larry,” Dr. Nick interrupted with another smile that annoyed the older man, “give it a try for a few months. If you hate it, ditch it and we’ll try something new.”

”Dr. Nick, I already hate it. You keep pissing me off forcing me to do stuff I don’t want to do.” They continued walking down the busy sidewalk. Smiles could be seen and laughing was heard from the outside patios of the local bars and restaurants as they played various types of music. They stopped in front of a new pearl white GMC Sierra parked on the edge of the curb. 

“Just give it a try, that is all I ask Larry.” Dr. Nick smiled and began to walk back towards the steps of the building. 

“Hey,” said Larry, the annoyance in his tone was still as firm as earlier, “and don’t call me Larry. It’s Mr. Miller to you!” 

Larry Miller opened the door and sat down in his pickup. He rubbed his knees and murmured to himself. “I’m dying. My knees hurt. Ugh. They should just kill me now.”

Larry turned on his pickup and drove home. The downtown life and business of the small city quietly faded as he drove. He drove through the edge of the city and into the outskirts. He turned off of the main highway that led through the city down a winding road through trees until he reached a gate. His gate. He lowered his window, pressed the buttons on the keypad, and the metal black gate slid to the side. 

He drove through onto a newly paved road and made his way to a large cabin style home with dark wooden siding. It had black painted windows and a stone chimney that reached from the bottom floor and out the second floor. He parked the truck outside the garage and peered in annoyance over at the journal he was given. 

He grabbed it and opened it. The blank white paper laid smooth in the notebook in front of him. He begrudgingly opened his console found a black pen and began to write. 

Friday - May 10, 2024

I am grateful for

He stopped for a second and dawned on these words. He could hear Dr. Nick’s annoyingly calm voice. “Write at least two things that you’re grateful for and then why.”

He started to write, again.

I am grateful for leaving the meeting, because now I’m home. 

I am grateful I do not have to listen to Dr. Nick, because he’s annoying. 

I am grateful that I don’t have to see Dr. Nick, because he is too happy. 

Saturday - May 11, 2024

I am grateful that my next group meeting isn’t until Thursday, because I don’t want to go. 

I am grateful that I am closer to being dead because if my disease won’t kill me that meeting will.

Sunday - May 12, 2024

I am grateful that Harvey and Julia didn’t sit with us at church today, because they were probably sick. 

I am grateful the line wasn’t too long at Jalisco’s, because I was hungry.

-

The cool evening air and the smell of the spices from the downtown shops filled downtown. There were less people than usual but that was perhaps due to the coolness of the slow changing season. 

“Mr. Miller.” A voice called out from behind the old man who wore a nice fitting brown jacket. He turned around to a younger man walking towards him through the oak doors of the old downtown building where they held the support group. It was Dr. Nick.

“Mr. Miller, I’m happy to see you. I felt like it’s been a little while. You doing all right?”

“I thought you talked to Alicia,” said Mr. Miller in a defensive tone. 

“I mean I called a few times and talked to her, but sometimes it’s different asking personally. I don’t know, I just- I kept thinking about you guys.”

Mr. Miller let out a soft smile and looked down at his shiny dark Oxfords that reflected all the surroundings as if a world of tiny beings lived in his shoes. 

“Thank you, Dr. Nick.” Mr. Miller looked back at the younger man and a small tear made its way down the wrinkled dark colored skin. 

“See you Thursday.” Mr. Miller quickly turned around and walked towards his Sierra with his hands in his pockets and his head drooping down. 

He walked towards the white pickup parked on the edge of the street in front of one of the local drink shops. The smell of pumpkin spice caught his attention as he looked at the wooden glass doors. There were painted letters that read Fall Spice Special 40% Off ANY Drink!

Mr. Miller pushed the heavy doors open and the warm atmosphere covered him. The smell of cinnamon, nutmeg, other spices, and coffee smelled soothing. He ordered a a fall themed coffee from the young barista and found a small table with two metal chairs by the window. The glass was cool to the touch and the worn wooden table top felt cold. He took off his brown jacket and set it on the back of the chair before he sat down. 

The gray and gloomy weather outside felt perfect for such a day. Mr. Miller had not been well enough to get out of the house over the past couple of weeks, much less well enough to go out and visit the group. He was just tired of sitting and moping around the house. Although he was glad he went, it did not lift his spirits as much as he thought. He had already been going about six months. He figured his body would feel worse, but were his spirits supposed to feel worse?

The wind rustling the dying leaves and the flowers that once bloomed along downtown were either dead or no longer in the store fronts. This angered Mr. Miller because of the simple fact that he too felt like the dying flowers. Worthless. Wasting away as those leaves and plants that died. They served their usefulness, had he served his usefulness too? Once a proud husband, loving father, and strong worker only to become feeble, weak, and a burden. His disease was taking over and he knew it.

The palpitaciones in his chest beat like a war drum. His throat felt like he had a knot that could not be undone. His eyes burned with tears that trickled down his cheek. He angrily wiped them with his sleeve. 

He took some deep breaths and pulled out his brown leather journal and flipped to the middle and began a new journal entry. 

Monday - November 18, 2024

I am grateful for my family and the life I created with them because hopefully that is what they will remember me by. 

I am grateful for our house and the community here, because they treated us all so well. 

I am also grateful for Dr. Patswani for giving me the truth, because 10 months isn’t too long.

-

The large cathedral was a magnificent sight for the small city. The large stone walls that towered above the many trees encircling the lush and well-trimmed grounds looked like a small castle. The dark gray stones were perfectly set between each other and the beautiful colored windows gave much natural light towards the old and grandiose shiny wooden chapel. 

Different individuals in black suits, dresses, and veils gloomily walked out of its dark wooden doors. Although the morning sky was still clear without a cloud in sight, the sad occupants slowly walked into the morning sun. 

“He was a good man, Alice.” Said Dr. Nick. 

“I know,” she said, wiping her nose with a tissue paper. Her simple black dress and her black hat looked like many of the others in the crowd exiting the church. 

“To live a life like he did would be a dream come true. I mean high school sweethearts, working for NASA, building schools, and creating opportunities for those in need. Just a small fraction of that would be amazing to do.” Nick caught his excitement, and stopped talking. 

“I mean, he- he didn’t start until he was thirty eight so there’s hope for you.” Alice smiled. 

“I just know I’m going to miss him, it’ll be different not seeing him aroun-“

”Hey,” Said Mr. Miller as he walked up behind Mrs. Miller and Dr. Nick, “I was looking for you guys but I couldn’t find you. I just finished talking to Mrs. White and I can’t believe that happened. I would want to go, just like that. No suffering. No waking up. Nothing.”

Mr. Miller’s voice cut through Mrs. Miller’s conversation. “Whenever it’s your time,” Dr. Nick smiled, “I hope that’s how it goes too.”

”So now you want me dead, huh?” Said Mr. Miller, bowing up to the man.

”No, no- I- I just was-,” Dr. Nick stammered. 

Mr. Miller laughed to himself quite enough to not disturb the grieving of the others. 

Mrs. Miller slapped his arm playfully. 

“Quit bothering, Dr. Nick,” she smiled. 

“I’m just playin’ with you.” Mr. Miller smiled and Dr. Nick managed to break a smile as well. 

“You are coming to dinner tonight, aren’t you?” Mrs. Miller said to Dr. Nick. He nodded his head. 

“Yes ma’am, I’ll be there.”

”And you are bringing, oh what’s her name?” She asked. 

“Elizabeth,” said Mr. Miller, both Dr. Nick and Mrs. Miller looked at each other and back to Mr. Miller. 

“What?” He shrugged his shoulders as if it were no big deal. “I listen to you…sometimes.” He smiled sheepishly. 

“I guess you do,” said Dr. Nick with a face of surprise mixed with impression. 

“I, I mean we will head over at seven, I’m just going to talk to Mrs. Ramirez to see if they need anything.” Dr. Nick said to Mrs. Miller. She nodded in agreement. 

“And you,” he said to Mr. Miller, “I’ll see you later and on Wednesday, right?”

Mr. Miller nodded. Mrs. Miller looked at him with surprise. 

“See you guys later.” Dr. Nick walked away into the small crowd and began talking to a small pepper haired lady near the front of the church. The Millers began walking to their car. 

“What are you two doing on Wednesday?” Mrs. Miller asked with a smile and one of her eyebrows lifted inquisitively. 

“I mean, he offered some therapy sessions just to talk about stuff. He’s been bugging me for a while now. To shut him up, I finally told him yes. I told him it better be free though.” 

“You better not. You better pay that man. He’s been good to you. Much nicer than you’ve been to him.” Mr. Miller looked at her stern face and looked straight to their pickup. 

They drove home through the tasteful display of the fall colors coming from the trees. The reds, orange, and yellow leaves looked like large paint brushes coming up from the ground. They parked in front of their cabin home which now was decorated with the pumpkins, fall colors, and the football player scarecrows their grandchildren used to be scared of. Mrs. Miller got off the pick up first. 

“You coming?” She asked. 

“I’ll be right there.”

She got out of the pickup and walked in the house. 

Mr. Miller opened the console and pulled out a worn leather journal with fading words on the binding of the book. Larry Miller.

He flipped towards the back where a receipt was keeping his place. 

Monday - November 24, 2025

I am grateful for another day because my ten months were up a month ago. 

I am grateful for friends and family that love me because that might’ve kept me alive. 

I am grateful for today because it wasn’t promised yesterday.