Sea

I keep coming back to the sea.

A scream comes but I push it back. I would drown in it if I didn’t.

I hear waves crashing against the shore. Their uneasy whisper as they bend and break again and again, and again.

I feel their icy breath on my skin on my way to work. I scan the products one by one, thankful for the hypnotizing “beep, beep, beep”, allowing me to switch off my mind and wander back to the time when everything was simpler and happy, and so much more beautiful.

Warm sand beneath my feet. Sweet kisses against my lips. A steady hand on my rounded belly.

“How do we want to name her, Ellie?”

I smile.

“How do you know it’ll be her, huh? Smartass. Wouldn’t want any competition now, would we?”

Carefree laughter. Another kiss, this one airy, barely a brush against my sunburned skin.

“I just know, El. Trust me.” A challenging smirk. “So?”

Thoughtful silence. Letters melting on my tongue. A rush of certainty when the right ones leave my mouth.

“Cecily.”

Blind.

“Like a flower. Cecily. Cilly, Lily.” Another kiss. “Sounds perfect.”

Wind in my hair. Child’s laughter. Then terror, veins frozen in anticipation.

“Cilly! Where are you?! Cilly! Follow mommy’s voice! Where are you, Cilly?!”

A panic attack claws its way through my body. Second one today, fifth this week. I ring for my colleague to change me.

I never thought I would start smoking but then again I never thought many of the things that happened would happen. With my eyes closed, I inhale the bitter nicotine and try to focus my attention on the surrounding sounds. The electrical hum of an old generator. Muffled voices from inside the store. Quiet squeaking behind the wall. Melodious voice in my ears.

“Twinkle, twinkle little star, how I wonder what you—”

I crush the unfinished butt under my shoe.

When I’m about to turn back, something runs over my foot.

I don’t even flinch.

***

My wide smile disappears when I see the doctor’s face right after he turns around with my newborn baby in his arms.

I can’t seem to hear him.

“What?” I whisper. Then again. And again after that. I turn to look at my husband. “Jake?”

He is with me but it’s like he is somewhere else entirely at the same time.

I can’t stop crying. I know it’s a dream, a memory, but I can’t stop crying.

“What will we do, Jake? What will we do?”

He tries to compose himself. A hand on my cheek.

“It’s gonna be okay, El. I promise. It’s gonna be okay.”

I hold her small, delicate body. I’m afraid I would break her if I tightened my grip even a little. When she’s asleep, I can almost pretend this unbearable, unseeing gaze hiding under her closed eyelids was just a figment of my imagination.

I wake up with a start. It’s 2 a.m. but I know I won’t be able to fall asleep after seeing her again. I go to the room next to mine and curl up in her small bed. I stare at the wall across till the sun comes up.

“Cilly!? Follow mommy’s voice, just like we practised! Cilly!”

***

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

“Isn’t she the smartest girl alive? Tell me Cilly, aren’t you just the smartest girl alive?"

We’re in the living room filled with warmth and the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.

“Of course, she is. Takes after her mother.”

A loving gaze. Another ten steps all by herself.

“Easy, tiger. You’re gonna run away from us if you keep it going.”

A few more.

“We’re too boring for you, huh? Look at this, Jake, she’s completely ignoring us.” I run to grab her in my arms. “What are you going to do now, princess? Hmm?”

“Hello?”

Delicate tickling. Joyful giggle. Eyes glowing behind the light grey curtain.

“Excuse me?”

“You’ll be okay, sweetheart, we’re almost there. Hear these nice men? They are going to help you, okay? Cilly? Wake up, Cilly!”

“Hey!”

I almost jump.

“What’s wrong with you?” An ugly, irritated face. “I don’t have the whole day to wait around for you to scan all this crap.”

It always takes me a few seconds too long to come back to reality.

“Of course. I’m sorry, miss, I just got lost in my thoughts.”

Beep.

A loud, dismissive snort.

Beep.

“Yeah, no shit.”

***

I open the fridge and look at the shelves full of containers I’ve never seen before. My stomach is empty but even the thought of reaching for one of them makes me dizzy.

I close the door and turn around.

“Just talk to me, El, please.”

It seems that he’s been there for some time but I’m not sure. Everything’s blurry.

I open my mouth but no words come out. I try again. “What?”

“You heard me. You haven’t said a word to me in days.”

I stare at him and try to attach words to the way his lips move. I took so much Valium I can barely stand straight.

“Why do you push me away, El? I know you don’t want to hurt me.” He takes a step forward. “I miss her so much, Ellie, I can’t lose you too.”

He takes my hand but I can’t feel it. I jerk it away. His gaze hardens.

“Fine.”



I open my eyes and wait till they adjust to the overwhelming darkness. Sometimes I wonder if that’s what she was feeling all the time. Just a never-ending fight to adjust to the overwhelming darkness.

***

I stop at the red light and switch off my phone. It’s been ringing constantly for the past ten minutes but I didn’t want to silence it and risk crashing into someone. I’m distracted enough as it is.

I’m a street away from the store but instead of turning right as yesterday and all the days before, I go to the left, outside the city. I open the window and let myself imagine my ex-husband in the passenger seat next to me, and my beautiful baby girl strapped safely behind. We’re both singing our favourite songs from a playlist he made for me centuries ago when we first started going out together. Cecily jiggles excitedly in the back.

The road is simple. Quiet. Empty. We’re the only ones who would decide to drive to the seaside in the dead of winter at five in the morning.

Cilly jumps out of the car and runs straight to the beach. Me and Jake follow right along. Slowly, hand in hand. He’s warm and steady, just like I remembered.

Our daughter makes her way through the sand, feeling for the prettiest stones. Each time she comes across a seashell, she lets out a cheerful squeak. We sit down and wait for her to gather all her treasures. We use them to build a castle a few minutes later.

She asks me if it’s pretty.

“Not as pretty as you, princess.”

She giggles in return.

Jake has to go to work but he’ll be back for us in a few hours. We wave him goodbye, then take our clothes off and go for a swim.

I hold her little hand when we enter the sea. She stops to look at me before we go any deeper.

“I’m cold, mommy.”

“I know, honey, I’m cold too. But we’ll be alright, don’t worry.” I pull her closer. “You’re safe with me now.”

We move until even the tips of my toes lose touch with the ground.

Cecily floats gently, carried by the calm movement of the waves. She’s the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen.

The sun is rising slowly above the horizon line.

This time, I stay with her.