Dearest, You said

TW: Contains attempted Suicide

Note for 'Fate' series, I will continue working on it, I just needed a break from that story for a little while.

...

“No! PLEASE! Don’t do this!” Adrian shrieked through tears, “You’re young- you have so much still to do! I NEED you, I don’t know what I’d ever do without you!” 

My voice had given out in shame, as I looked at what I was doing, outside my house, ready to be done, I was done, I’d given up on everything, but hadn’t expected to be found, especially by Adrian, somebody who lived altheway across the continent. 

“I love you! Don’t leave me!” He was crying, I noticed he was disturbed, he wasn’t actually there, but he still was at the same time. I had disappeared earlier that day, ghosted every media I had, I spent my ‘last’ day unplugged, even if it meant not talking to Adrian. 

My brother had noticed something up, the only person who did, and had told Adrian, who demanded to see me, the only problem though, was that nobody knew where I was. 

I had walked outside, I went and hid in a bush outside our house, soon going to sneak out to the barn, spend one last moment of thought in the hayloft, and be done. 

“Talk to me! What’s wrong?! WHAT DID THEY DO!?” He yelled through the phone I had been handed. 

My brother had found me eventually, and handed his phone over, one that had Adrian on the other side of the line, very worried about me. Something had changed in hearing his voice, so defeated, pleading for anything in me to stop what I was doing, I was ready to cry along with him. I was just as defeated, except I had felt I was defeated in the race of life, not just love. 

“KAYLA!” Adrian wailed, almost indescribably my heart broke, I couldn’t stand him being so destroyed. 

“I’m sorry.” I whispered, so quiet, behind tears, that I couldn’t even hear myself over the blood rushing in my ears and the cold finally getting to my body. 

“No.” He asserted, “You’re always sorry about everything, you really don’t need to be sorry, you just scared me, I really love you, I care for you, I can’t see you leaving me like that. It hurts me to know how much you deal with, how I can do almost nothing, I wish I could be there, I really do, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I can’t be there for you, I’m so, so sorry.” Adrian could barely finish before he choked on his tears, he was devastated that I would even think of something so destructive.

I was silent, I was ashamed of what I had done to him, I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t want to push him further, break him down, like I already had. How could I do such a thing? What a monster I am. 

“Why do you even deal with me? How am I even close to worth anything you think I am? Why don’t you find someone else who’s not as messed up as me? Why do you even like me in the slightest?” I asked, out of nowhere, my mind screamed at something so stupid, but at the same time, I couldn’t believe that anyone truthfully did remotely like me. 

“Here's the answer. You mean so much to me! With everything you're great at and all of your faults, you mean so much to me that it all matters to me! I will put up with it forever if I have to!” He yelled. 

My mind had shut off, thoughts didn’t work, words just started coming out, “I guess so, but I feel so bad with everything wrong with me that the people around me have to deal with because I’m annoying and too sensitive and just a freak”

“You're not a freak, you are an amazing person who is in a terrible town. The people around you are hot garbage of human beings, you are a shining star of hope that a lot of people wish they could see. And second off, "Why don’t you find someone else who’s not as messed up as me?" Are you kidding me?!” He was starting to get restless, I thought, even if it was hard to tell. 

“I, don’t know what to say I’m sorry, are you., mad at me for saying that?” I managed to get out, in just barely a whisper, I had forgot I was outside and my breath seemed to be freezing around me as I laid my head back onto the shed beside the bush. 

“No, just hearing that makes me sad, you helped me when I was in my darkest moments, when I thought I could never find love, you gave me hope. You're so messed up and damaged, but I am too. And you are one of the nicest people I have ever met or even known in my life. You mean so much to me and hearing you say something like that just hurts me.” Adrian responded.

“I’m sorry, in everything I do and say I never meant to hurt you and I’m so sorry that I did.” I whispered, still unable to speak loud enough, for the call to barely pick me up as I was so defeated to not even try still. 

“It's okay.” He began, “Stop blaming yourself as if you think you're hurting me, and you help me out more every time I talk to you, if I'm able to at least make you a bit happier if that's enough for me to sleep easily.” 

“Okay,” I finished, I was done being so caught up in my head for once, I was in the moment, fully realizing what would’ve happened if I had been successful. If I hadn't waited just a few moments longer, if I had chosen to step off, and be done… 

“Kayla.” 

“Yes darling?” 

“I want you to understand right now, that if you ever, ever, try to do that again, you need to come to me immediately, I will be here, I need you to tell me if something’s bothering you. Please, you mean so much to me, and I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to live, knowing there was something I could’ve done to change it, but you still did it anyway. Please, don’t put me through that,” 

“Of course,” I forced through reforming tears, “I understand. I’m sorry I put you through this.”

“Hey, it’s okay, it’s okay because it didn’t happen, you're still right there, and you know I’ll be here.” Adrian reassured me, “And dearest, you said yourself, that I am your sunshine, so let me stay your sunshine.”