Summertime and Supernovas

CW: Mentions of divorce

I walked through the arched doorway of Espresso Yourself, a high pitched bell signaling my entry. Tan walls filled the small cafe. Circular tables were scattered about with multiple outlets on the walls. Spotlights above the counter stabbed at my vision, reflecting off of the shiny tables. Yet, despite the prime charging stations, no one was here this late in the afternoon. Probably because the food tasted like chalk, and the bitter scent of coffee drenching this place smelled burnt and stale. The only thing worth trying were the croissants. 

Walking up to the counter, I forced myself to take a deep breath, my palms beginning to sweat. The high pitched clatter of glass cups hitting each other stabbed my ears. Wow, I hated this stupid cafe. No one was even here and it still managed to be noisy. 

Behind the counter, a tall young man in an evergreen collared shirt filled up a coffee. Loose, brunet waves formed a curtain around his round face, his soft cheekbones glowing as he laughed at a joke I couldn’t quite hear. As he continued to talk to someone in the kitchen, his slender hands gently wrapped each bagel in a bag. It was only last week that Felix admitted that we met on his first day working. His first day was the one that convinced me to keep coming for him. It definitely wasn’t the food bringing me back. 

My skin prickled, the slight stubble on his chin catching the light as he turned towards me. “Black coffee and a plain croissant?”

I nodded. Felix never pestered me about my boring order. 

As he scribbled Summer Jones on the styrofoam in a lilting cursive, Felix gave me a small smile. He eased the cup and the bag with the croissant over, head resting in one hand. “You’re seeing your little sister this weekend, right?”

I’m surprised he remembered my visit with Natasha. “Yeah.” His eyes were the warm sepia of redwood bark, a mahogany so rich that it was almost red. Were they always like that? As his iris hit the light, I realized his eyes were the red giant of a star about to go supernova. His gaze warmed up in my chest, expanding, burning, illuminating everything as heat stroked up my face. Felix’s presence threatened to destroy my whole solar system. 

“You promised her one of my croissants, remember?” He giggled, and the world went white for a moment. 

No.

I. Am. Not. In. Love.

I am having a medical emergency. That’s the only reason my heart is squeezing like a tennis ball in a dog’s mouth. 

I took the bag, each crinkle and fold blaring in my ears. As much as I tried to stop it, a smile slid up the corner of my lips, warmth blooming up the nape of my neck. I lowered my head, grumbling “thanks.” Throughout it all, his adorable little laugh echoed in my mind. As always, it would comfortably settle in the crevices of my brain, playing dopamine ping-pong between my dendrites. 

Paying, I managed to lift my head a little bit higher. “She wouldn’t stop teasing me about it,” I admitted. “I always forget to bring her one.” 

“Not today! We made extra.” He slid back the extra change and bills. “It’s on the house.”

“Seriously?”

“Would I ever lie to you?” 

I grinned, sliding the money and the bag back. “Well, then, maybe I’ll buy one more croissant.”

He shook his head, curls twisting around his head as he hid his smile. “Alright, alright.” He eased the coffee over to me, filling the bag with a second croissant before handing that over as well. I took them both, trying to ignore the thrum of my pulse as my thumb stroked the cursive writing on the styrofoam cup. The warmth of the coffee was nothing compared to the heat searing up my face.

Our hands brushed as he passed me the bag with the free croissant. A shiver ran through me. Friends didn’t make me feel this way. Friends didn’t occupy my thoughts every moment of the day. I didn’t actually have friends right now, but if I did, it wouldn’t be like this. 

With my parent’s divorce, the fighting between family members, trying to figure out how to comfort Natasha through the drama, not to mention the never ending classwork and job seeking, it didn’t seem like I had the energy to deal with much of anything until a month or two ago. I had pushed my dorm mate away through apathy, but now I wished that I hadn’t. I thought I wouldn’t be able to be excited about much until I completely resolved these issues. I didn’t have Felix’s effervescent perseverance or his courageous initiative in the darkest of times. 

Yet my heart was leaping for joy at a mere smile. 

His bright eyes seemed to see right through me. How could he be so luminous? My world was at the edge of destruction, yet here he was, illuminating everything. 

“Um…” He gave a tiny smile, his gentle voice sending goosebumps up my arms. “I know we’ve been talking for a while and…I was wondering if I could give you my number? If you ever want to text while you’re away from campus?”

My heart rate skyrocketed. 

“Only if you want to of course. I’ll happily talk to you. Here. If you still want to, I mean.”

I moved out here to get away from my feelings about life, to sort through them myself. So why was my heart doing somersaults? 

I’d faced shattered dreams, financial uncertainty, looming deadlines, isolation, self-sabotaging myself from growing up, tectonic shifts within my family. I was a bit better now, but I had to be careful. Yet, if trying out friendship for the first time in a while was the worst thing that was happening to me, then maybe I should. Maybe the end of some of my old world wasn’t so bad. Especially if it came from him.

I let the warmth fill me this time. I loved this stupid cafe.  With a confidence I didn’t feel, I scribbled my number on the receipt, tore it in half and handed it to him with a smile. “Sure. Just know that you’ll get lots of teasing from Natasha.”

“And from you?”

I grinned. “Yeah.”

He shrugged. “I think I’m okay with that.”