You know what? I quit

You know what? I quit.

I slammed the laptop shut and pushed my chair back with as much dignity as I could muster.

Laura was watching me uncomprehendingly, probably thinking I’d gone crazy. Who quits after being told they might get a chance at a promotion if all goes well with the next project? But it wasn’t a promise and it wasn’t a certainty. All it was was more empty words meant to appease me for a little while longer, so I’d work myself into an early grave to make sure everything goes smoothly, all the deadlines are met and all the positions get filled with the least money spent.

It was the same story every year since the pandemic hit and I was sick of it. Screw this.

I looked over at the rest of the people in the office that day. Gaby, with her poker face on, secretly having a grand old time making fun of everyone in her head, Anna looking dumbfounded around the room, already opening her mouth to say something stupid, Dianne and Edward looking at each other and mouthing “What is going on?” and Luca, poor old Luca, forever outside gossip circles and doomed to be the odd one out.

‘I’m so sick of this! You can go talk down upset Operations Managers after they were informed that the person they’d finally selected dropped out 3 days before their planned start date - again, you can call a ton of candidates a day and have most of them reply that they’re not interested because they know this company pays poorly…or worse, that you’re violating their rights and stealing their personal info. You can give it to someone else for all I care, I’m sure you’ll find someone who’ll be delighted that they get to serve the Company at a higher level for a few measly extra bucks a month.’

‘Look, let’s just hit pause for a moment here, what are you doing? Why don’t we go grab a coffee from the Boiler room and -‘

‘I’m done, I’ve given too much of myself to a place that doesn’t give a damn. Enough is enough.’

I walked out of the office, head held high, and kept on walking until I reached the smoking area downstairs.

Bobby was there, smoking and laughing with some of the girls in the Quality department. He saw me and waved me over. I debated for a second if I should just keep going, but the panic was starting to seep in.

‘What’s up Carlson?’ I hated when he called me by my last name, my father’s name, and he knew it. He smirked when he saw my grimace.

‘Oh, you know, not much. I actually quit just now.’

‘….What? What do you mean, you quit? Quit what?’

‘What do you think?’

Gabby and Dianne were coming our way, faces grim.

‘What the hell Liv?! What was that up there? Laura’s up there, hysterical, saying that there’s no way we’ll be able to meet the deadlines they promised when securing the project because there’s no way they can find you a replacement in time.’

‘That’s not my problem.’

‘It’s ours though, you didn’t even think about us when you went ahead with this!’

‘It’s not like I planned this, you know. I didn’t wake up this morning and think: Hey, what can I do to screw up people’s lives.’

‘So then go back and undo it!’

‘I can’t.’

‘Why the hell not?’

‘Because I think it was the right thing to do for myself. I’ve been miserable there for so long. I dread Mondays the entire weekend and avoid taking time off because I know how brutal returning to work will be. I feel so angry all the time and I don’t even know why. I look around me and it’s like all I can see is other people building their careers and enjoying their lives and I’m over here, thinking how awesome it would be if a car hit me on my way to work so that I wouldn’t have to work for a while and still get paid. I don’t even make enough to enjoy the rest of my life, the part outside of work and I don’t have the time or the money to make it worth it. I can’t live like this anymore.’

‘….so suck it up! Seriously, you think you’re the only one who feels like this? Everyone struggles with money problems or boss problems or work problems, but they don’t just quit and leave everyone in the lurch like this!’

‘Well, maybe they should.’

I looked over at Bobby who was looking at me appraisingly, like he’d never known I could be capable of something like this. And then he winked at me, which I took to be a sign of approval, perhaps the only one I’d get.

I started walking away, towards the subway, Gabby screaming after me all the while. I felt hurt, I’d considered her a friend, but it seemed that personal interests would always prevail.

Looking around me, all I could see were seemingly carefree people, dressed in shorts and summer dresses, chatting to friends or enjoying a sunny day, not a care in the world. Of course, it was only 11.30, so all the people working in the huge skyscrapers all around me would already be at work, still too early for lunch. This only left the non-working people, the tourists, the ones with the trust funds or the wealthy parents or husbands. How I hated all of them in that moment.

It felt like I was surrounded by crowds upon crowds of happy, jobless people and I so desperately wanted to be one of them. I wanted to be happy too, or at least less miserable.

I wanted to have this completely different life, where I didn’t need to work from 9 til 6 (or 7) 5 days a week and still not be able to make ends meet. I wanted to be able to enjoy day trips to the park or the mall and evening trips when it got too hot outside. I wanted to grab my camera and go around the city with my dog and take pictures of proud old buildings on a whim or stay in bed on a sad rainy day with a cup of hot cocoa and some Netflix, without worrying that I need to work from the office that day.

As I got further and further away from the company, I started doing the math in my head to see how much time I could survive on what I had. I actually didn’t have nearly as much money as I’d thought.

A slight shudder went through my body as I contemplated ways to make the money last longer, but, short of renting out my apartment and asking my mom if I could move back in, I didn’t see any viable solution.

My mouth felt dry. What if I couldn’t figure anything out in time? Or…what if I did figure out what I wanted to do but realized that I couldn’t make a living out of it?

Oh, god. What if I had to go crawling back to Laura to beg her to give me my old job back?! Not only would I have to grovel, but even if I’d get it, I’d need to look on as they promoted someone else in my place, probably Amy, the insufferable gym-nut perfect princess.

What had I done? I’d had a sure thing, regardless of how meaningless it all was. It’s not like I was one of those people who knew exactly what they wanted but just lacked the courage to go for it. I’d never had any idea about what I wanted to do with my life and now I’d put myself in a position where I had no choice but to figure it out. And fast.

Damn it, my hands were shaking and it felt like my pulse was pounding in my ears. I was definitely panicking now. The more I thought about it, the more it seemed like I’d let my pride get ahead of me and my mouth run away without me. Even if I could find something in time, it would have to be another corporate job, empty and underpaid, with probably worse conditions than I’d had til now. And even that wasn’t a guarantee.

I’d been trying to find another job with better pay and benefits for so many months without any luck, so it wasn’t as if I didn’t know what the job market was like. Hell, I’d worked in recruiting. But I’d made the horrible mistake of letting my feelings get the better of me and stopped listening to the rational part of my brain that had been screaming at me that this was a mistake.

I could feel my breathing getting more and more labored. I felt hot, like I was suddenly standing in the middle of a geyser, vapors of steam going up all around me. I couldn’t breathe. I started gasping, trying to call for help, but it was like being underwater, no sound coming out of my mouth, only gurgles….

…..and then I woke up, all tangled up in my sweat-soaked sheets, struggling to pull air into my lungs and clawing at my throat.

Jesse stirred beside me, turning over on his other side, facing away from me towards the door.

I looked over at the digital clock on my nightstand: 4:56 AM. It had been a dream. Just a dream where I’d followed impulses I’d been having for months now. Impulses I’d never have the courage to act on.

Just a dream. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I’d felt so liberated in the dream, when I’d finally taken the plunge and said those 2 short words: I quit. Such loaded words, full of trepidation and promise. I’d felt like I could do anything for a few minutes, like I was on top of the world. Of course, I’d also felt like I was drowning, so it hadn’t been all great.

Now that I’d tasted it, I didn’t know how to go back to sleep, back to my dreary life with no prospects and no promise, but I also didn’t know what else there was to do. I stood there, staring at the ceiling as the sky outside started lightening and thinking about my years in high school. I’d felt so confident then, like the world was my oyster and I could do anything I wanted, be anything I wanted. But that was then.

I turned off the alarm before it had the chance to go off and wake Jesse up and slid out of bed to make coffee. It was almost time to wake up and prepare for another day in the office anyway.

It had been just a dream. But, maybe, someday it wouldn’t be just a dream anymore.