Dear Larry

Vickie Riggan

1078 words

A thank you letter to my dead husband. 

My Darling Larry,

This is a long overdue thank you to the one special man in my life who first made me believe in myself. In loving me you gave me the greatest gift of not only your love but showing me how to love and be loved. That was something I hadn’t ever really known before you.

When we first started dating, friends and family thought it was cute, silly, or sometimes embarrassing. You, 52, and me, 32. Impossible, some of my friends would say to me. He’s old enough to be your father. “Is that it?” someone asked. “Does he remind you of your father who you were so close to and miss so much?” “Only if he gets really falling down drunk and falls asleep with a lit cigarette between his fingers,” I replied and then marked that person off my list of friends. 

Who says that love has age limits? Love is a feeling that is shared between two people, and it makes the crazy world in which we exist livable.  At first, even I wasn’t sure it would work, but I came to know that putting limits or rules on who you can love, who can love you, is just ridiculous. I learned that from loving you. Thank you so much for that.

I was afraid to meet your children at first. What would they think of this young girl, barely older than them, in love with their father? The day your beautiful daughter showed up at the house unexpectedly to “check me out” could have been a nightmare. It was not. We became quick friends and over the years she has championed me, and I have tried to hold her hand and help her through dark times when you were gone because that’s what you would want me to do. She has become the sister I never had, never knew I needed, and can’t imagine my life without. Thank you for the precious gift of her love and acceptance.

Eventually, all your family came to accept, and I think even love me although at first our relationship was hard for some to understand.  Some needed more time to come to realize that our love was real.  Still I love them all fiercely and devotedly as they stood by me and helped me stay strong through our darkest days as the cancer ate away your body but never touched your soul. Your brother and sisters lost their beloved big brother but at that moment they thought to turn to me and hold me up. At that moment I felt incredible pain and incredible love all at once. Thank you for giving me strength and the gift of a loving family who still love and hold me up all these years later. 

It is hard for me to believe you have been gone now almost as long as we were together. Eighteen years. We had eighteen wonderful years together, but it all ended eighteen years ago. Thirty-six years of my life wrapped up in my love for you. I have been down some bumpy roads since then and taken some incredible chances, but I have never felt alone because I still felt your love lifting me up and encouraging me to move forward, try new things, see new worlds, meet new kinds of people. I did it all because you encouraged me to go on living and loving life after you were gone. Thank you for showing me how to have courage and grace in the face of certain death.

Only one thing changed: at the end of the day, I was always alone. Oh, I put on a good show of just how capable I am on my own. I know now that a single person can have a great life. I’ve had one, for eighteen years. I’ve traveled to the other side of the world and back to teach English, as you encouraged me to do when you knew you were dying. I’ve driven up and down the big highways and through small towns all across this great country on my own and made it through so many near disasters, always believing that your love still protected me and that your spirit watched over me. I have become accustomed to this life and accepted it as my lot without you - until now.

Just by chance. Just because of a last- minute invitation to see the eclipse, my world is now forever changed. I believe your spirit guided me there. I could hear you whisper in my ear, “It’s a once-in-a-lifetime experience I really don’t want you to miss.” So, I went. Thank you for sending me on one more great adventure, because it was there that I found love again. I didn’t know what I had found at the time.  I had no idea my life was about to be drastically changed, but I am certain that I heard you whisper in my ear “Go ahead, take a chance on love again.” 

I have, Larry, and it’s amazing – and scary – and I think it will be another great adventure. There is another age difference again but nothing like we had to overcome. I will meet his family soon and hope and pray that they will see how much I love him and will accept us. Maybe I will have to once again work hard to gain their acceptance and help them see that love is not just for the young. I will try to show them, as you showed me, that moments and memories – all of life’s great adventures – are so much more important than things in life. 

Once upon a time, I gave my whole heart to a man many people just couldn’t believe I was really in love with, and I never regretted it. We had so much fun, laughter, heartache, and all the crazy ups and downs life could throw our way. Even the tough times were great because we had each other, and that love made me strong enough to survive alone for all these years, but I’m ready to love again.  I want to feel that way again. I’m not afraid any more. I am strong enough to let love in one more time because I was once strong enough to love despite doubts from all around us. Thank you for that strength. Thank you for your love.