Five people are in a locked room. There are no windows and no means of escape. In the room is a round table with six chairs. On the table is a telephone. There is nothing else in the room.
‘Well, I suppose we should introduce ourselves. I’m Ned. I’m a salesman and I have no idea how I came to be in this locked room.’
‘Hi, Ned. I’m Joe and like you, I don’t know how I got here either. Oh, yes, I’m a car mechanic.’
‘As we seem to be going around the table in an anti-clockwise manner, I guess I’m next. I’m Bob, long-term unemployed, but a carpenter by trade. And I guess no one is going to be surprised if I also say that I have not the foggiest idea of how I have come to be here.’
‘Er, I’m Janis. I work in a bottle factory, operating the machines that clean the bottles. Maybe this is a dream because I am really confused about why I am here. I’m frightened too.’
‘Well as I’m last to speak, I have to say, I agree with Janis. This is a frightening experience as, like everyone else, I have no memory or understanding of how I have come to be in this room with four strangers. Oh sorry. I’m Ian and I own a sweet shop.’
‘I assume then, from the introductions, that none of us knows each other then?’
Bob was the first to respond.
‘I think that’s right, Ned, plus none of us seem to know how we got here, or indeed, why are we here.’
‘Bob.’
‘Yes, Janis. Can I ask what you were doing yesterday?’
‘Sure. I was... I was... actually, I can’t remember.’
‘Nor can I Bob. I don’t remember operating the bottle washing machine at all. In fact, I can’t recall ever working the machines... but I know that’s my job.’
‘Actually, Janis, now you mention it, I have no recollection of selling any sweets in my sweet shop. In fact, I can’t even tell you what it looks like.’
‘I tell you; this is fucking weird. I know I fix cars but I don’t remember fixing a car at all.’
Just then the telephone rang. Ned picked up the receiver.
‘Hello...No, it's Ned speaking...Sure. Janis, it’s for you.’
‘Hello...Yes, this is Janis...Oh, I see...Yes of course...Right away.’
Janis returned the receiver.
‘Well? Who was that?’ Ned asked.
‘This is really strange, but the factory where I work have reported me as missing.’
‘What?’
‘I know that sounds daft, Bob, but that’s what they said.’
Joe was getting agitated.
‘Who the fuck is they, Janis? Who?’
‘I don’t know Joe. It was just a voice on the phone. A woman I think.’
‘You think. For fucks sake. Surely you know the difference between and male and female voice?’
Before Janis could answer, the phone rang again. Without hesitation, Joe picked up the receiver.
‘Yep...that’s me. Who are...what...when...Oh, I see...Immediately...Yes of course.’
Joe slowly replaced the receiver.
‘Well, Joe? Male or female?’ Ned asked.
‘Male, I think. I’m not sure.’
‘And what did they say, Joe? Have you been reported missing like me?’
‘No Janis. Apparently, there was a big fire in the garage. The whole fucking lot went up in flames.’
‘Looks like you’re going to be unemployed like me then. It always seems to be the tradespeople that suffer first in these circumstances.’
‘What circumstances, Bob?’
‘Actually, I’m not sure Ian. Just circumstances, I suppose.’
Ned knocked loudly on the table.
‘Look, everyone. As I see it, we are all here because of something that happened yesterday. Janis was reported missing and now Joe’s garage has gone up in smoke. I’m guessing, but that phone is going to ring at least three more times. In the meantime, should we try and work out how to get out of here?’
‘A great idea, Ned, but apart from the locked door, there doesn’t seem to be many options.’
‘That’s a bit defeatist, Ian.’
‘Is maybe, Bob, but do you have any alternative suggestion?’
‘I do actually.’
Bob leaned forward and picked up the receiver.
‘There’s a dialling tone!’ He exclaimed.
He raised his right hand then stopped.
‘Oh my God. It’s a dumbphone. No dial and no digits.’
Bob put the receiver back. As he did the phone rang. Bob picked it up.
‘Now look here. I don’t know what game you’re playing, but I can tell you...Yes, this is Bob. Oh, I see. Well, I don’t usually...Right...Okay...I understand.’
‘Come on Bob. Spill the beans,’ Ned said.
‘Well, it’s a little unusual. Apparently, I didn’t get the job at the large construction company.’
‘So you went for an interview with them?’
‘Apparently, Ned. Apparently.’
Janis stood up.
‘What is going on here? We don’t how we got here or why and it seems that we have no memory of our past other than what job we did. And then each time the phone rings, we are told something that affects us that happened yesterday.’
‘Look. The next phone call will most likely be for me or Ned. So, whoever it is that calls, I will want answers.’
‘You won’t get any.’
Everyone turned and looked at the person sitting on the sixth chair.
‘Where the fuck did you come from?’ cried Joe.
‘Excuse me. I’ve been sitting here all along, but nobody seemed to want to talk to me.’
‘That chair was empty. Wasn’t it?’ Joe added.
‘Well, I’m not sure Joe. I think so. When we did the round of introductions, I remember saying I was last to speak. But thinking about it now, I didn’t say I was last.’
‘Exactly. I was last, but no one asked me to introduce myself.’
Ned stood up.
‘Look, everyone. Whatever is happening here is weird enough, so why don’t we let our stranger introduce themselves, whether they were here at the beginning or not.’
‘Thank you, Ned. My name is Sheila and I’m a hairdresser. Actually, although I am last to be introduced, I was first to get a phone call and I was told my professional scissors have been stolen.’
‘I think I was the first. Ned answered the telephone and handed it to me. But everything is so strange here, I’m not really sure what I do remember.’
Just then the telephone rang.
Ian picked up the receiver.
‘Yes, this is He...Oh, I see...Yesterday was it....No, I don’t have any questions, except...’
Ian put back the receiver.
‘The line went dead.’
Ned picked up the receiver and listened.
‘It is dead, for sure. What did they say, Ian?’
‘There’s a smashed sweet jar on the floor of my sweet shop.’
Ned was about to speak when they all heard the door being unlocked. The door opened slightly and a cold draft blew into the room. Beyond the door was a very bright light.
– – – – –
Edward opened his eyes.
‘Ah, Mister Little, you are back with us.’
‘Where am I?’
‘You are in the Deadington hospital and have been in a coma for three weeks. We thought we had lost you at one point, but your body kept fighting.’
‘Can I sit up?’
‘Of course, if you feel up to it. Let me help you.’
‘I’m a bit tired, but I feel fine. That’s good isn’t it?’
‘Yes, indeed, Mister Little. Let me just check your pulse. That’s good…Excellent…I’ll be back shortly.’
‘What happened to me?’
‘As soon as I come back, I’ll explain everything. Here. You might want to read the last three weekly newspapers and catch up on things.’
Edward scanned the latest local newspaper first but was not really taking much in until he got to the obituaries page which was headed, ‘Yesterday Was A Tragic Day In Deadington’. Below were five obituaries:
Janis Moffatt, 24, tragically drowned after falling into the fast-flowing river adjacent to the factory where she worked. Everyone at the factory misses her.
Joe Peters, 54, who was burnt to death in the fire at the garage where he worked, is missed by his loyal customers.
Bob Harding, 59, who sadly took his own life when jumping from the fifteenth floor of the AJK Constructors building, is deeply missed by his wife, Lucie.
Shelia Brown, 22, who unfortunately fell on the professional scissors she had stolen from her employer, died peacefully and is missed by her boyfriend, Terry.
Ian Shadforth, 47, is very much missed by his brother, Henry, after choking to death on one of his famous hard-boiled lemon drops.
Edward closed the paper and started to cry. He was about to throw the newspapers aside when a story at the bottom of the front page of the newspaper from three weeks ago caught his eye.
Furniture salesman, Edward (Ned) Little, is believed to be in a coma at the Deadington hospital after being hit by a furniture van at his place of work. His friends, Janis, Joe, Bob, Shelia and Ian all send their best wishes.
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VERY cool! I got this in critique circle and stopped by to ask if you would like me to do a critique. Do let me know with a comment if you would - very happy to read it again.
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That's very kind of you Katharine and would be most welcomed.
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Hi Ken, no problem.
I'll preface this by saying that I really really like the concept of the story and I think it's really clever and original. I personally find that I learn the most from 'negative' comments, so when I write crit I tend to focus on what I think can be improved. But I hope you do not take any of this to be anything but constructive. If I hadn't liked the story I would not have offered to come back and read it again.
Please feel free to use or ignore anything I say, as it suits you best. Here goes:
Five people are in a locked room. There are no windows and no means of escape. In the room is a round table with six chairs. On the table is a telephone. There is nothing else in the room.
- This opening, to me, sounds a bit like a stage description from a play script. I'm not sure if that was what you were going for or not. If it was then leave it exactly as it is. If not, and you wanted to open this as a story then it needs some work. You have a lot of dialogue coming up after it and you could break that up a little bit with scene setting instead so that the reader has a more seamless introduction to the setting. You also have some repetition of facts in there about the room being locked etc, which you could cut. Also - read the dialogue out loud and ask yourself, honestly, is that how people talk?If you put all of these things together and rewrite a little you could do something like this for your opening (purely a suggestion - and you may not like the outcome I generate but have a play with these ideas and see what you come up with):
_____
Ned looked around at the four blank faces staring back at him across the table.
‘Well, I suppose we should introduce ourselves. I’m Ned. I’m a salesman. Does anyone know how they got here?' He ran his hand over the back of the one empty chair next to him. Was someone missing?
‘Hi, Ned. I’m Joe and I have no idea. I'm a car mechanic, so no connection there.' Joe glanced over at the phone sitting across the table from him.
‘I guess I’m next. I’m Bob, unemployed, but a carpenter by trade. I guess no one is going to be surprised if I also say that I haven't the foggiest idea how I got here?’
‘Er, I’m Janis. I work in a bottle factory. Maybe this is a dream because I'm really confused about why I'm here. I’m frightened too. I mean, there are no windows or anything.’ Her face was as grey as the walls.
‘Well, I have to say, I agree with Janis. This is scary. Like everyone else, I have no memory of how I came to be here with you. Oh sorry. I’m Ian and I own a sweet shop.’ Ian got up and stepped to the door behind him. He turned the handle. 'Locked! We're locked in!'
‘I assume that none of us knows each other then?’ asked Ned.
_____
The rest of the piece continues to be very dialogue heavy, which is absolutely fine, and works very well for your purposes, but you do need to check that the speech comes across as naturally as possible when you are relying on it so much to carry the story. You can also cut anything that is repeating information the reader already has. I always read dialogue out loud to myself to see how it flows.
‘I think that’s right, Ned, plus none of us seem to know how we got here, or indeed, why are we here.’ - you can cut this line. And instead, maybe just have everyone shake their heads.
There are some places where I got confused over who was talking. For example here:
‘Bob.’
‘Yes, Janis. Can I ask what you were doing yesterday?’
‘Sure. I was... I was... actually, I can’t remember.’
I wondered of this was supposed to be:
‘Bob.’
‘Yes, Janis'.
'Can I ask what you were doing yesterday?’
‘Sure. I was... I was... actually, I can’t remember.’
You really need to keep an eye on the speech marks, especially when you have so many characters talking at the same time. If the reader gets lost in the dialogue, when you are so dialogue heavy, you are going to lose the reader. If I'm honest, I found myself skimming bits of the speech because of this.
It might also be worth checking the grammar within the dialogue. For example:
‘A great idea, Ned, but apart from the locked door, there doesn’t (don't) seem to be many options.’
The obituaries at the end are a really great way to explain the story. I like this a lot. The only thing I would suggest is that you could switch them up a bit so that they don't all use quite such similar language. They all seem to talk about who will miss the dead person at the end and that repetition stands out a bit to me. Can you find different ways of talking about them so that they each have an individual and original obituary? Maybe try not to use the word "miss" more than twice in the whole section.
The storyline is so so cool in this piece and I really did enjoy the ending tremendously.
I really hope this is helpful. As I say, I find 'negative' comments really useful so if you feel like popping over and having a look at any of my stories, please do point out anything that you think that could be improved - I learn so much from crit on here.
All the best,
Katharine
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Really well done
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Many thanks and much appreciated.
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Very creative! I liked it!
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I'm delighted. Thank you!
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Welcome 🤗
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