Forward and Back

“So, he's dead, huh?” We swung side by side letting the air move us along, the dirt shifting with a crunch beneath our feet. My head hung low, but she held hers high as she faced the open field behind me.

“Seems like it.” she nodded solemnly, “No show, no calls, his boss said he hasn't seen him in three weeks.” 

“Sounds dead to me.” The wind moved me a bit faster than her, the air harder against my back. If I looked straight ahead, I could see our old house from here. I think she was oblivious to that fact.

“Does it matter?” she asked, twisting herself to face me, the metal chains creaking in movement, and I finally moved my head up to see her. I shrugged.

“Be good to know where our father was” I said, “Dead or alive.” She gave me a look I couldn’t understand. She twisted back to her original spot and started to swing higher and higher. 

“It's not that I don't care. It just feels like he was dead from the beginning.” Her feet pushed her higher, I swung lightly but nothing like her, she nearly reached the metal bar above us. She moved aggressively, her feet swinging forward and back, forward and back, forward and back. I watched her from the corner of my eye, but my head had gradually sunk back down to staring at the dirt patch. It was nearly black, a sunken hole I had made with my own two feet. I watched as I dug into it deeper and deeper, just by letting the wind move me. I gripped the metal chains and lifted my feet off the ground a bit, until my swinging slowed and stayed stationery. 

“He wasn’t always so…” I began. “Absent? Reckless? A deadbeat?” She interjected, her words weaving in and out as she swings past me. I shook my head at her suggestions. Not that she could see, she was so focused on reaching a new height.

I didn’t want to answer her, she was right after all, he was all of those things. 

“I can’t believe I can get this high now!” back and forth she went, her feet propelling her forward. “Remember when we were younger? Neither of us could make it this high!” She laughed, continuing to swing harder. 

I let out a quiet laugh, she couldn't, but I could. We had made little bets on who could make it over the top, flip themselves around. Neither of us got that high, but still, my heights beat her record. I placed my feet down and pushed myself to swing. 

“There ya go!” she laughed; I smiled up at her. Forgetting about the deep dark hole of dirt beneath me I pushed my feet forward and back, reaching her height in seconds. We swung silently for a few moments, she smiled at the open field in front of her, but I just kept facing her. Watching her newfound giddiness as the air pulled back her hair, and a crimson flush lingered across her cheeks. She had always been so quiet and within herself growing up. It felt like she was always waiting for something, for her own moment to shine. I guess she had found it in recent years. 

Over the sound of wind as it rushed between us, I yelled, “I missed you!” Her smile dropped slowly, and a new kind of flush invaded her face. She continued the swing, but the aggressiveness had stopped, her feet moved sloppily and in moments I was higher than her again. 

“You know why I had to leave…” I nodded, already regretting having broken such a sisterly moment with nostalgia. She pushed her feet down again, forward and back, forward and back, and forward and back. This time I plopped my feet right back into the hole I had made. 

“I still missed you.” To this she only smiled. “Missed you too, kid.” In silence we swung. 

“So, he’s like, actually dead?” I asked once more, and she only nodded, her smile never faltering. Higher and higher she went once again. Forward and back. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I resorted to digging into the dirt with my shoes, kicking the clumps out onto the pavement. 

“What do I tell Mom?” I questioned and heard her intake a sharp breath of air. Though she kept swinging I could tell this brought her down. 

“Nothing. She doesn’t need to be reminded of him.” 

“And you?” she let out a sigh.

“I was never here. Promise?” She held out her pinky, I watched it swing by over and over, only reaching to grab it when she started to retract it. Latching onto it I whispered a promise, she let go when my grip started to slow her down. She winked and I smiled up at her. 

“Do you think I can make the jump?” She looked at the wooden border separating the dirt under the swing set from the pavement surrounding us. “I never could before.” 

“Go for it.”

I watched, almost in slow motion, as she kicked her heels back, rising to a new height, and then jumping off. Letting the metal chains go as she launched herself forward, landing just outside the dirt patch. I let out a congratulatory yelp. She bowed, laughing. She stood there for some time, peering behind me with a bittersweet smile, as I watched her over my shoulder. It was only when her watch buzzed that she broke from her trance. 

“I gotta go.” She said, pointing behind her. “Work.” 

“Right.” I nodded, turning forward again. I heard her footsteps as they stepped into the brush. I focused on the dirt beneath me again. Tempted, I began to push off into a swing, but thought against it. I raised myself off the swing set and looked behind me. She had made a considerable length into the field, it almost looked like she was balancing on the leather seat of the swing as it rocked from her earlier movements, a little child again. I smiled and turned back, heading home.