Someday, But Not Today

This story contains themes or mentions of adoption, mental health issues, and physical violence.

“Um…Ms…Assistant District Attorney, ma’am?” a small voice said on the other side of the door of Samantha Martino, Manhattan ADA.

Samantha waved her in. “Ms. Martino is fine. Come on in. I don’t bite.”

A young woman in her early 20s walked through the door–olive skin, thick black hair stacked in a bun, tall with long legs, looked like she ran track. 

“Hi, Ms. Martino. I’m Lexi Walker. I came to talk about my recent…charge.” She looked down in embarrassment.

Samantha smiled and stuck out her hand. “Nice to meet you, Lexi. Here, have a seat.” She motioned to a chair across from her at her desk. Lexi shook her hand and sat down across from her.

Samantha pulled out the file on Lexi’s case. “Ah, I see, Alexis Walker. Okay. Possession of marijuana.” She looked up at Lexi. “What would you like to discuss?”

Lexi kept her eyes shifted down. “Well…I wanted to see if there was a way to reduce the sentence. I’ve never been in trouble with the law before, I work with kids in the community, I do well in school at Columbia. I smoke to deal with…bad thoughts…I don’t hurt anybody…”

“Well, Lexi, according to the record here, you were picked up with quite a fair amount of it on you. And drugs have become a bigger problem in recent years, so we really have to lay down the law here.”

Lexi nodded sadly. “I understand.” 

A car playing loud music rode by in the window behind Samantha. It was playing a Beatles song.

The two waited for the sound to pass, then Lexi said, “Whoever owns that car needs to get something fixed–that song sounded way out of tune.”

Samantha looked confused. “What do you mean?”

Lexi laughed and shook her head. “Oh, sorry, it’s nothing. I grew up playing piano and I discovered when I was 10 that I had something called perfect pitch–where I can identify or sing any note without hearing it first. It’s weird, I know–I always felt like a freak. Anyway…”

“Hmm, perfect pitch,” Samantha said, trying to keep her best poker face. “Do you know if that runs in families?”

Lexi looked down and became very quiet. “Well…I wouldn’t know. I was actually adopted when I was a baby, and I don’t know who my birth parents are.”

“Oh, I see…” Samantha trailed off. She hoped she was doing a decent job of hiding that her mind was going a mile a minute. She tried to shake it off, cleared her throat and wrapped up the meeting as quickly as possible.

“Well anyway, back to your case. Let’s set up a meeting and we can try to figure out a deal. My office will be in touch soon. Thank you, Lexi.” She got up to show her to the door.

“Okay. Thank you, Ms. Martino.”

Samantha quickly shut the door and returned to her desk. 

Coincidences happen all the time, right? Plenty of people in the world have perfect pitch.

Two of them just happened to be the women who were in that room.

************************************************************

As she went through the rest of her day, Samantha couldn’t shake what Lexi had said. She also couldn’t get out of her mind the eyes of the young woman who came to see her. Plenty of people have dark eyes, but she had only seen one other person with eyes as piercing as those. But it couldn’t be…

She pulled out Lexi’s file and examined it further.

Full Name: Alexis Sofia Walker

DOB: 3/13/96

Place of Birth: New York, NY

It was too eerie to be true. But it had to be. That date was seared into Samantha’s memory.

************************************************************

Later that evening, Samantha called the number in Lexi’s file. Studying in her dorm room, Lexi picked up.

“Hello?”

“Yes, hi, Lexi, it’s ADA Martino. Sorry to call you at home so late. Is this a good time?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Lexi, you mentioned you were adopted. Do you know anything else about your birth parents?”

“No, not really. I think it was a closed adoption, and neither side really knew much about the other. I guess everyone thought it would be better that way. All I’ve ever heard is that my birth parents may have been cops, but that’s all I know.”

Lexi paused and sighed before continuing.

“I wanted to find my birth parents or hoped they would come looking for me, but they haven’t. Maybe they died, I don’t know. It’s stupid…anyway, I actually have an exam tomorrow that I need to study for–was that all? Is this going to impact my case?”

Samantha sighed audibly over the phone. “Lexi…I know this is going to sound crazy, but…I think…I think I might be your birth mother.”

Lexi was silent.

“Lexi?”

“I’m trying to be polite because you are trying my case, but…why would you tell me that? I’ve already pretty much accepted that I would never meet my birth parents…”

“Lexi, I totally understand. And I wouldn’t call and tell you like this if it wasn’t important. Would you be willing to come back to my office tomorrow so I can explain further?”

Lexi sighed. “Fine. Okay. I guess I can’t say I haven’t wanted to know. I just never thought this moment would come.”

“Me either, Lexi.” 

************************************************************

July 1995: a hot, humid summer in a still dangerous city. It still had that gritty look that seems nostalgic now.

“I had decided to follow my family’s tradition of becoming a New York City cop. Mind you, this was a tradition among the male members of the family, but I wasn’t much for rules.

“As a baby-faced cop in my first year on the job, I was paired with a young man named Sean Williams. He had a couple of years on the force. We came from different worlds–I came from an Italian family in the Bronx, he from a Black family not too far from where I grew up–but we were really more similar than different.”

Samantha sighed sadly. She hadn’t talked about this part of her life in years, to anyone.

“One night, we were sent out on a domestic violence call in Harlem. Things got out of control and there was a shootout. He shielded me–and you–from the line of fire.” Samantha’s voice shook and her eyes started to tear up. 

“He was shot several times and died later that night in the hospital.”

Lexi stared intently at Samantha. Sean’s eyes shined back at her.

Samantha went on. “I’ll spare you the soap opera, but Sean and I had started seeing each other, and I got pregnant. We knew that once I started to show, we would have to be split up and I would go on desk duty. But we never got to that point…”

“Did he know you were pregnant when…”

Samantha sniffled. “I had told him I was pregnant, but nobody else knew about it or about our relationship. It would’ve been…a mess to say the least.”

“With the police or with your family?” Lexi looked at her knowingly.

“Fair question. Well, a little of both. My family probably wouldn’t have been happy knowing I was not just sleeping with my partner, but with a Black man. And I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared of how they would react…but it never got to that point…” 

Samantha looked down. They both stayed silent for a while, taking it all in.

Lexi finally broke the silence. “Did you love him?”

Samantha stared deep into Lexi’s eyes, Sean’s eyes.

“I didn’t just lose my partner that night. I lost the love of my life.”

************************************************************

“So what happened after that?”

Samantha’s face was full of sadness. “Well, after what I experienced with Sean, I went into a deep depression. I had PTSD and survivor’s guilt, which wasn’t talked about as much as it is today. I had to go on leave from the force, but I was never able to come back. Because I felt so alone, I felt there was no way I could give you any kind of good life. So I decided to give you up for adoption.”

Lexi, full of shock after the life-changing story she had just heard, could barely speak. She said something just to break the silence. “How…how did you end up as a district attorney?”

“Well…after years of depression, barely getting by working as a cashier in supermarkets, I finally decided to get help. It took time, but I was able to get my life together. I still wanted to be involved in the law, so I went to law school. I focused on work to keep my mind off things and now here I am.”

Lexi stared at her, again with those eyes. Her demeanor changed from shocked sadness to defiance.

“So why didn’t you ever come look for me? Did you ever think about me?”

“Of course. I’ve always wondered what you were up to.”

“So why didn’t you come for me?” Lexi repeated. 

“Well…I guess I didn’t want to make things hard for you. I knew you were in a good home, with a loving family. I didn’t want to disturb that.”

“Well I think you avoided me to protect your own feelings. Do you have any idea how it feels to not know who your real parents are?”

“Your adopted parents are your real parents.”

“You know what I mean.” There were those eyes again.

Samantha sighed. “Lexi, I understand if you need some time to process all of this. But if you are comfortable with it, I’d like for us to get a DNA test so we can be sure.”

“So you can be sure.” Lexi crossed her arms.

“I understand you’re upset–”

“You have no idea.”

Samantha nodded sadly, knowing she never could.

Lexi continued. “Look, I know you hold my fate in your hands, but I have to get this off my chest…it’s weighed on me for years.

“I grew up in a town and went to school where I never fit in. I was always just a little different. Do you realize that I didn’t even know until today that I was half black?!”

“No…no…I never thought of that,” Samantha stammered.

“Yeah. I knew I was different because I was always a shade or two darker than everyone else, but I never knew the story. You stole that from me.

“Lexi, I never would have been able to raise you–it wouldn’t have made sense.”

“Do you think that makes me feel any better?” Lexi snapped.

She took another deep breath.

“You can say everything that will make sense: I ended up with a loving family, went to great schools, now I’m at Columbia, the fuckin’ Ivy League. Yet here I am, busted for carrying a little pot. All of the finishing and polishing in the world still didn’t save me from ending up in trouble with the law.” Lexi glared at Samantha.

“This may not make sense to you, with your fancy law degree, but I would have rather grown up with you and struggled than be abandoned. Because at least I would’ve had my mom.” She started to weep softly. “Whatever, I don’t even know what I’m saying.”

Samantha bowed her head down. There was nothing she could say.

“I’m sorry, Lexi. I was only trying to do what I thought was best for you.”

Lexi ignored her apology and took a breath to try to calm herself down. “Do you think about my dad?” she said, wiping tears away, trying desperately to change the subject.

Samantha pressed her lips together for a beat before responding. 

“I’ll tell you this, and this is God's honest truth.” She raised her right hand as if swearing an oath in court. 

“If I hadn’t been pregnant with you, I would have made sure to take those bullets myself. I hate that I am alive every day in a world where he’s in the ground.”

Samantha stared deeply into Lexi’s eyes. “I never wanted you to experience that pain.”

************************************************************

On the day of Lexi’s final hearing, she ran into Samantha in the hallway.

“Lexi…”

“I’m sorry, I really don’t want to talk to you right now. This is just too much, too painful for me…”

“I totally understand, Lexi. But please at least take this.” She handed Lexi an envelope with her name on it, then headed inside the courtroom. Lexi sat on a bench and opened the envelope. Inside were the DNA results:

Probability of Maternity: 99.9998%

And a note:

“I hope you can forgive me, but I understand if you can’t. If I were in your shoes, I don’t know if I could forgive me either. But I hope that someday you’ll understand that I did what I thought was best for you. God knows how much I wanted to keep you and raise you. But I just couldn’t. And you’re right, I’ll never understand the anxiety and depression you must experience because of me. I can never fully make up for that, but if you are ever willing to give me a chance, I hope to try.”

There was another piece of paper in the envelope, too. Lexi folded it and put it in her pocket to deal with after the hearing and headed inside.

“Ms. Walker, since this is your first offense, and you are a positive influence on your community, and are still young, I’m sentencing you to 500 hours of community service. You will also be on probation for 3 years. But consider yourself very lucky, Ms. Walker. You have a guardian angel watching over you.” The judge banged his gavel.

Lexi turned around and saw Samantha sitting in the gallery. She nodded towards her. Samantha nodded back.

She could forgive her. She would someday, but not today. It would take time.

*************************************************************************************************************Later that afternoon, Lexi stepped off the 4 train at Woodlawn Avenue in the Bronx. After walking for what seemed like at least an hour, glancing at the folded note that Samantha had left for her, she found the spot:

SEAN WILLIAMS

1970-1996

BELOVED SON, BROTHER, FRIEND TO MANY

BRAVE MEMBER OF NYPD WHO GAVE HIS LIFE FOR HIS PARTNER & THE CITY HE LOVED

MAY HE REST IN ETERNAL PEACE

She sat down on the cool, dewy grass in front of the grave. She passed by this cemetery all the time on the train, but never would’ve dreamed she would be here, in this spot.

She opened up the paper with the cemetery directions and saw another note written below them:

You carry Sean in your heart everywhere you go. You have his eyes, his smile, his fierce passion–and yes, of course, you’ve made mistakes, as we all have–I’ll be the first to raise my hand.

No one except you knows how much I loved him, and still do to this day. I’m better these days than I was around the time you were born, but his loss left a hole in my heart that I thought would never be repaired–until you made your way to me.

I’m sorry I didn’t come for you in all those years. There is really no excuse for it except my own weakness. You are stronger than I will ever be, also like Sean. 

You may never forgive me–I know that. But I hope someday you can understand. We can all only do the best we can with what we are given. And all I’ve wanted is for you to have the best. But you’ve made me realize that I caused you pain in that process.

If you ever do want to talk, I will always be here. I hope you do someday, but understand if you can’t. But no matter what, I will always love you. I hope someday you can have children of your own, and that you can be the mom to them that I couldn’t be for you.

Sean was the best of this world. I know you will be too. 

P.S. I always thought my perfect pitch was a dumb thing that would never help me in life, that I was a freak too. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Lexi folded up the letter and put it back in her jacket pocket. 

Someday, but not today. 

She sat cross-legged and placed her hand on her father’s grave, over the SEAN, her heart full of gratitude.

“I love you, Dad. Thank you for saving me…

“Us.”