Dear Aunt Janice

Thank you so much!

Dear Aunt Janice,

Mother says I am supposed to write you a thank you card for the jumper you gave me on my birthday. She said I have to be specific, so I guess I like the green baubles that stick out from the Christmas tree, even though my birthday is in July. Thanks anyway.

From,

Alfie

— 

Thank you so much!

Dear Aunt Janice,

Mother says my last thank you card was not appropriate and also that I should say sorry for mentioning that my birthday is not during Christmas-time. This seems like an obvious fact, but I apologise for stating the obvious. Apparently, people do not always appreciate hearing that. Hope your cat is still alive.

From,

Alfie

— 

Thank you so much!

Dear Aunt Janice,

Yet again, mother has informed me that apologies are in order. She has told me that your cat died last week and I have probably upset you by wishing your dead cat well. I did tell mother that she should buy more sorry cards, instead of thank you ones, but she seems endlessly optimistic that I will wake up one day less offensive than I have been for the last thirteen years. 

Anyway, as this is a thank you card, I suppose I should thank you for something to justify the mode of delivery. Can I thank you again for the jumper? It has come in very handy for blocking the draft that comes from the bottom of my window.

From,

Alfie

— 

Thank you so much!

Dear Aunt Janice,

Mother tells me that I am to tell you that I was fibbing about using the jumper to stop up my bedroom window, as that is not an appropriate use for a gift. However, since she has yet again neglected to buy the Sorry, but the truth hurts cards I requested, I don’t feel I can lie in what is meant to be a genuine thank you note. So, I will say thank you for your other gift and leave it at that.

From,

Alfie

— 

Thank you so much!

Dear Aunt Janice,

Oh, I do wish the chemist would hold a wider range of cards so I wouldn’t have to keep using these thank yous, when what I really mean to say is Mother has discovered the other present you bought for my birthday and confiscated it, we are made. Perhaps if she didn’t screen my thank you cards like a bitter prison guard, I would have been able to actually use the gift I tried to thank you for. But anyway, I am sorry about the strongly-worded email she said she’d be sending you about ‘not corrupting the youth of our family’.

From,

Alfie

— 

Thank you so much!

Dear Aunt Janice,

Hoorah! This card really is a genuine thank you as I have worked out a way to send these to you without mother censoring my language for the good of my ‘social reputation’. Marty, our postman, has agreed to let me drop my letters out the front window, where he picks them up and sends them. So, now I can actually thank you for giving me the new Halo game, hidden in that hideous jumper. I actually thought I had managed to convince mother that I had asked you for the jumper, until she found me using it to mop up the energy drink I spilled all over my gaming computer.

Don’t worry, the computer’s fine, although the jumper is a little more…yellowy-green. And I have a plan to get my Halo game back which mother has so unfairly confiscated. She thinks games turn people’s brains to mush, but I wonder what she thinks her romance novels do?

From,

Alfie

— 

Thank you so much!

Dear Aunt Janice,

I am beginning to think that you and I should form our own heist crew. The way you managed to find out where mother had hidden the game, without giving away your intention? A truly masterful performance.

Sorry to keep sending messages on the thank you cards, but I can’t ask for any others without raising suspicion. She currently thinks I am sending thank you cards to my classmates for helping with my homework. Honestly, if I can’t outwit her enough to get this game back, I will consider it a mark against my own intelligence.

Anyway, thanks again for finding out the hiding place of the game- her wardrobe, really? So original. I’ll let you know how it goes.

From,

Alfie

— 

Thank you so much!

Dear Aunt Janice,

I am now sitting pretty as the owner of the brand new Halo and can, officially, say thank you! All my friends are massively jealous. I currently have a waitlist for people who want to come and play it, and I have been promised everything from sweets to free homework to a newborn child for the chance. You are, without a doubt, the most amazing, coolest aunt anyone ever had.

From,

Alfie

— 

Thank you so much! Congratulations!

Dear Aunt Janice,

Mother told me that you have gotten a new cat, hence the slight alteration of the seemingly endless supply of thank you cards. I hope that the cat is nice and you teach it some sweet tricks like how to pick a lock or steal the neighbours veg. Mum thinks video games rot your brain, but I wanted to thank you for actually listening to me when I told you what I liked.

When I first opened the jumper, to be honest, I felt pretty alone. I had already opened my present from mum- an exam prep booklet- and I had started to think no one really paid attention to anything that made me, well, happy. They only saw the things they wanted to, and ignored the rest of what I was really interested in. So, thanks. For listening to me when I ranted about the new Halo game, for getting it for my birthday, and for hiding it in the ugliest Christmas jumper I have ever seen.

The jumper, by the way, has been through the wash, and I now wear it whenever I’m gaming. Which is all the time.

Thank you,

Alfie