Concrete Flowers

Kalya’s arms were soft and warm as my head was shaking in tiny bits, in between muffled cries and tears traveling from my eyes to her palms. Soft and warm but stable and strong, they were holding much more than the side of my face. My body curled into a tight ball in her lap like a dog seeking comfort from their owner. I couldn’t get the image of thick plumes of smoke bursting into the sky while my dad and I sat on the curb across the street completely dejected, I cry louder and my body curls tighter.

              “Maybe she’ll come around.” Kalya said, trying to assure me.

              Driving down the highway with the windows open, a picturesque summer day. 

              “Yeah she’ll come around I mean Jesus, it’s you and your sister”

              Got into work a little early for the first time ever.

              “She’s got money, maybe that’s the way she’s gonna help”

              5 years in, I was gonna make it out too, I was gonna put in my two weeks.

              “She’s gotta feel SOMETHING”

              Looking down at my phone, 12 missed calls from “Dad”.

              “There’s no way someone could do that to their own kids.”

              The day isn’t so picturesque anymore.

              “She’s gonna come around, she probably can’t process it right now”

              I wish I never went to her, it would have been easier.

              I close my eyes and I’m back there again outside my mom’s house, the house I lived in for 23 years, with everybody standing in a circle.

              “What do you think they’re gonna do to the apartment once they’re done putting it out” My mom asked

              “I have no idea, the back of the house was charred completely black, that’s the last thing I’m thinking about right now.” My dad replied.

              My sister and I are standing at opposite ends of the circle, tying ourselves together by eyesight with the tension built by the impending end of this conversation. I’m still stuck in work clothes, black jeans, sneakers and my store polo shirt, red with a black collar. My sister is in blue jeans, tangerine flip flops and a white T-shirt with a YMCA logo. Of all days, it had to burn down when I was working, here’s to four months or however long it will be, looking like a grocery store employee.

              “Well that’s okay, I got some stuff for you guys, tried to make sure you guys were okay.” She said

              My mom walked out with three separate laundry baskets that were filled with detergent, packs of white T-Shirts, a tooth brush, toothpaste and dryer sheets among other essentials. Coming back to the circle she plopped each of them down at the base of our feet.

              “Karen you didn’t have to do anything, geez this really nice.” My dad replied

              That gazing rope between my sister and I grew tighter, we both knew that this was it, this was the most help that we were ever going to get; not just today but from now on. Both of our hearts plummeted to our stomachs, hitting our worst fear with a thunderous thud. My sister’s eyes began to well up. Seeing her cry always make me cry now with tears starting to slither down my cheek even though I tried to hold them back.

              Looking at my sister and I, my mother begins to cry, she’s like me or maybe I’m just like her.

              “We’ll get through this together, we really will, you guys can use all the stuff in the basket and in no time things will be okay.” She said

              She never really understood how the things she did came off or how removed she really was from the rest of us but to her this is the act of a saint and as long as it was according to her, it was never wrong. My dad started to cry too.

              There is no group hug, no warm embrace, no coming together in a time of hardship. The world began with the big bang, all of existence clustered together and exploded beautifully outward separating the stars and planets while the universe grew. For us, our world began with no big bang, no cluster of warmth that was eternally binding. Our world began cold and separated, you can’t reverse what never started . Here we are, standing in the driveway as four separate planets in broken orbit.

              The crying subsides and my dad speaks up

              “Karen, I’m gonna head to Jim’s he’s got a spare bed. Art, Kate you sure you don’t wanna come? They have floor space and a couch, it’d be a little rough but we can make it work”

              My sister and I briefly lock eyes.

              “Naw Dad I think we’re good, we’ll be okay” I replied.

I could have easily gone with my dad and my sister could have too, but we wanted to know what home felt like. we wanted the place we grew up in to be a sanctuary. After all this time we just wanted it to finally feel like a home no matter what had put us there.

“Alright I’ll give you guys a call later tonight” My dad said as his goodbye.

              “Ok, Arthur take care of yourself.” My mom interrupted               

              The noise of the engine humming tapered away softly as the car drove down the street.

              “You guys are gonna be okay right? You guys have a place to stay?” My mom asked

              “Not totally sure yet, we don’t have anything set up.” My sister replied

              “Oh well I’m sure you guys will find something, you guys got plenty of friends and they’re all really nice.” My mom said with a cold tone.

              “Yeah I think we’ll be able to figure something out”. I replied, equally as cold.

              “Well, you guys should be good, just take the baskets and you’ll be fine. I gotta get going, we’ll get through this together.” She said, and she walked back up the driveway into the house.         

              Walking into a house with empty spare bedrooms, blankets, food and roof on top keep it all held together. We were too big of a burden to live in the same place that we grew up in, the place we slept for two decades. It’s okay, a few laundry baskets with some toothpaste wasn’t a burden though. I looked at my sister and our eyes began to tear up again, only this time we knew to hold it in. It wasn’t worth the air to cry, there were no tears worth shedding for her. Deep down we both knew that something like this would happen, that when we needed her the most, she just wouldn’t get it and that she wouldn’t be there, we were both wishing we had left with our dad. What more could it take? When you’ve physically lost everything, you’re only as good as some dryer sheets.

              My crying finally stops as I uncurl myself from Kayla’s lap, looking out her bedroom window I see my car parked in her driveway.

              “I always knew deep down that it wasn’t ever worth it, it wasn’t worth trying to make anything meaningful with her.” I said taking a brief pause a wave of anger builds up.

              “Christ, her own son and daughter don’t have a place to stay and she just walks off like she helped us by giving us some laundry baskets.”

              Sensing that my anger is rising, Kayla is starting to get nervous, I catch myself and come back down.

              “I’m sorry, I just can’t think about her for too long without feeling a whole bunch of different things that I can’t fully process, but fully feel.”

              “I totally understand, anybody else in your situation would have a similar reaction, hell if somebody acted like it was all okay and normal then they’d be pretty insane. “Kayla said.

              “I’m really grateful for you, Kayla, I mean, if it weren’t for you, I’d legitimately be sleeping in my car. Between the crying and not knowing what any of us are gonna do, I can’t find anything good in this. I’m trying my hardest to find some kind of silver lining, no matter how thin it might be but all I get is disappointment.” I said

              “With something like this Art, you just can’t think ahead, you really do just need to take things one day at a time. Things will fall into place and they’ll work out but that doesn’t mean it’ll be easy along the way but it’ll happen trust me.” She said

              “I know you’re right, but I can’t help the feelings that are ripping me up inside and making me feel hollow.” I replied

              “No one’s asking you to try to help yourself not feel bad things anymore Art, you need to embrace what you’re feeling. It’s okay to feel things, it’s okay to allow yourself to be human. This is gonna sound really corny but the silver lining in this is that you’re gonna grow. Just like a flower you’ll grow.”

              Looking through her bedroom window to the night sky, I think to myself.

              How can I grow when I’m a flower under concrete.