Who Are You, and What Have You Done With My Friend?

WHO ARE YOU, AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY FRIEND?

“If I don’t get out of here, I’m going to chew off my own arm so they have to call the EMTs and I can leave.”

*****

“I think it will be beneficial.”

“Really? Have you met me?” Renata said, looking at her friend and co-worker Callie. “When have you known me to be quiet? Except maybe when I’m sleeping, but I can’t be sure, because I’m asleep. I probably talk then, too. I’m a stream of consciousness kinda gal.”

Callie laughed. “Yes. Yes you are. That’s why I think this would be good for you. For both of us.”

Renata raised her eyebrow, looking at Callie, skeptically.

“You think you need a silent retreat as much as I do?”

“Yes. But for different reasons.” Callie paused. “I would use the time to decompress and meditate. And who couldn’t use some quiet time for introspection? I know that I can. I’m really excited about going.”

“Uh huh. And whose idea was this?”

Callie looked around the room, not meeting her friend’s gaze.

“Aaron’s idea.”

Aaron was Callie’s boss, the Director of HR.

“Uh huh. And why didn’t he suggest this to me himself?”

Callie shrugged. “I think he’s afraid of you. You’re a bit … strong, and I think it intimidates him.”

“Uh huh. And did he say why I should be going on this retreat?”

“Well, he couched it in the benefits of introspection and reflection. You know, unplug for a weekend, get your chakras re-aligned. He’s a big proponent of inner wellness, and self help.”

“Uh huh.” Renata considered her friend. “Do you think I need a silent retreat to realign my chakras?”

Callie smiled. “You are my friend. The person you are is the person I know and trust. But, I don’t think that a bit of time unplugged from everything is a bad thing. It’s a good thing.”

She handed Renata a brochure. 

“This is the place Aaron suggested. He also said that the company will pay for the retreat, and give us two extra lieu days because this is considered work-related. All of our expenses are paid.”

Renata glanced at the brochure, and then looked up at Callie. 

“I’m being volun-told, aren’t I?”

Callie nodded.

“What exactly did Aaron say?”

Callie paused, looked at her friend. “He said that maybe this time of reflection will help you consider your words before you blurt out the first thing on your mind. You know, less stream of consciousness, more careful consideration.”

Renata shook her head. “This is because I told the Doug Spears that his house project was stupid, isn’t it?”

“Partially—”

“You cannot build a three thousand square foot treehouse, using an actual tree! It’s asinine! What happens if the tree dies? The whole thing will fall down.”

“True. But Aaron thought there may have been a better way of explaining that to him.”

“When I asked hm if it was a conceptual design, he said no — he wanted his house built in a tree — fifteen feet off the ground. With an elevator up the trunk, and a zipline to the ground. What is he, an eight-year-old boy?”

“You don’t say that! You actually asked him if he was an eight-year-old boy?”

“I did.”

“So, how does next weekend fit into your schedule?”

*****

When they arrived at the Quiet Cedars Retreat, they were slightly underwhelmed. The grounds looked like an abandoned summer camp, with a large main building surrounded by a dozen small shed-like buildings. Apparently the “sheds” were the sleeping quarters. 

“This is just like Camp Crystal Lake from the Friday the 13^th movies. We’re going get murdered,” said Renata.

“I think it’s rustic,” said Callie smiling at her surroundings. “In a good way.”

 Renata turned and pointed to the sheds. “We have to sleep in nature?”

Callie looked around. 

“I guess. But it’s not really in nature. We do sleep indoors.”

“Close enough.” Renata shook her head. “I don’t think I’m going to like this.”

Callie turned to look at her friend. 

“Give it a chance, Renata. Don’t judge before you even know what’s going to happen. You might find that you like the rustic lifestyle.”

“I might also find that I can fly. But, I don’t think either thing’s going to actually happen.”

The doors to the main building opened, and a woman came striding towards them.

“Welcome to Quiet Cedars Retreat. I’m Louisa. You must be Renata and Callie.”

Both women nodded and introduced themselves. There were handshakes all around. 

“Let’s get you registered and settled.”

They followed Louisa into the main building, looking around while she busied herself at the reception desk. She looked up at the two women, and smiled.

“We’re having orientation after dinner. Here are your room assignments. Cabin 8A and B are your rooms.” She looked at the women. “I also need all of your devices. We have lockers for safekeeping.”

Renata started to protest, but Callie shook her head. “You know the rules,” she said.

Renata did know the rules. But that didn’t mean that she had to like them.

“What about my iPad?” asked Renata. “I was hoping to journal my experience here using my tablet.”

That was a bald-faced lie. She really just wanted to play games and watch Netflix.

“Yes, your iPad does have to be locked up. But every room has an ample supply of pens and paper. We find the act of slow-writing allows our guests to spend their time contemplating their experience, and helps getting in touch with their feelings.”

Renata almost snorted. 

After the women had surrendered their electronics — cell phone from Callie; cell, iPad, laptop, iPod, Nintendo Switch, and earbuds, from Renata — Louisa looked at Renata.

“You did receive our welcome e-mail, didn’t you? The one that outlined our electronics policy?”

Renata smiled. “I did.”

“And yet …” Louisa said, waving her arm to the pile of confiscated materials from Renata.

“Just in case,” said Renata.

Callie looked at her, confused. “Just in case of what?” she asked.

Renata shrugged. “I don’t know. In case I get bored. Or was asked to leave early. Or I decided to leave early.” She nodded to her pile. “You know, Renata’s Contingency Plan.”

Louisa said nothing, just handed the women their keys and the agenda, and pointed them towards their cabin.

Renata scanned the area where the cabin was.

“I’ll say it again — Camp Crystal Lake. If we are not murdered in our sleep, I’ll be surprised.” Renata looked into the deep, dark woods surrounding the cluster of cabins. “This place is creepy.”

Callie laughed. “Think of it as getting back to nature.”

Renata looked at her friend. “Who said I was ever in nature?”

Callie sighed.

Their cabin was separated into two rooms, each the mirror image of the other. The doors were on opposite sides of the cabin, so that the guests would never run into each other. A small porch with a single chair led to the door. Each room had a single bed, a chair, a desk, a dresser, washroom and closet. The floors were bare, and a roll-down blind covered the window.

“Rustic my ass,” said Renata as she walked into her room. “More like slasher movie chic.”

She dumped her bag on the bed, promising herself she’d put it all away later. She grabbed the agenda, walked out, shut and locked the door behind her.

Around the buldng, she found Callie putting her clothes and toiletries away.

Renata sat on the desk chair, reading. She looked at her watch.

“So, dinner’s in fifteen minutes at six, then orientation at seven. I hope the food’s better than the accommodations.”

Callie looked around. “I think it’s—”

“Don’t say it. Don’t say rustic!”

“Well it is!” said Callie. “I like it.” She looked around. “I read that the entire complex was designed to decrease the possibility of distraction. To allow the guests to get in touch with their inner-self, without the noise of an overstimulated environment.”

Renata shrugged. “Or, they were too cheap to spend.”

Callie said nothing.

Renata sighed. “I was just hoping for something a little nicer — you know, like those swanky yoga retreats. Daily massages, hot tubs, gourmet meals, yoga classes led by hot instructors, a bar.”

“But this isn’t a yoga retreat.”

“I know, but a girl can dream, right?”

Dinner was in the main building. Each table only had one chair, so Renata dragged over the nearest chair. The dinner was buffet style, and was veggie and fsh. No meat.

When they got back to their table, Renata looked at her plate.

“I don’t remember reading that this was vegetarian.”

“It’s not. It’s pescatarian.”

Renata shook her head. “It’s vegetarian if you don’t like fish.”

After they finished dinner and the dishes had been removed, tea and cookies were served. A woman walked to the front of the room, introducing herself as Angela.

“Welcome, everyone, to Quiet Cedars Retreat.”

There were murmured welcomes from the group. Renata looked around, and counted thirteen people at the tables — some with a partner, others alone. The majority of the participants were women.

“How many of you have been at a silent retreat before?” Angela asked.

Three hands were raised.

“Good. Good.” She smiled, nodding, surveying the rest of the group. “In that case, let me go over the expected behaviours for the next thirty-six hours. So, of course, we prefer that no one speaks. If you slip-up, and talk, you won’t be kicked our, but we will ask you to go to your cabin if it persists. I know that sounds very parental, but we want to ensure that our other guests aren’t distracted by one person’s behaviour. After all, this is a silent retreat. And in that vein, please, no singing, whistling, or humming. Total silence is our goal.”

The meeting was about forty minutes long. The lists of NOs was comprehensive. No electronics, no tobacco, no vaping, no alcohol, no stimulants like coffee.

That last one hit Renata hard. She could feel the headache starting. She was happily and firmly addicted to her java.

“There is an extensive trail system on the grounds. Along the way you will find small ponds, decaying buildings — the grounds used to house a summer camp for children …”

Renata turned to look at Callie. 

“I knew it!” she whispered.

Callie ignored her.

“You will find benches throughout the property, as well, to help you contemplate your surroundings. Also, on your agendas you will see that we have meditation classes, both led and self-instructed throughout the day. There is no expectations that you attend, it is personal choice.” She looked around the group. “Now, I see that a number of you are attending with a partner. We prefer that your time here be a solo endeavour. So we asked that you don’t interact with your partner until after the silent time has ended.  Any questions?”

There were a few, and then the meeting was over. Angela looked at her watch.

So, it’s seven-forty. Silence starts at eight. Take the next few minutes to finish your conversations with your partners. There is a meditation class at eight in the yurt, behind this building. It is a beginner’s class, everyone’s welcome.”

What have I gotten myself into? thought Renata.

Bliss, thought Callie.

As they walked to their cabin, Callie turned to Renata.

“This sounds fantastic. Just what we need!”

“Really? I’m not so sure. Anyway, I’m going to have a glass of wine before meditation. Care to join?”

“But that’s not allowed,” said Callie, looking confused.

“I know,” said Renata.

It was almost eight o’clock they met in front of the cabin. Callie noticed that Renata had brushed her teeth, probably to hide the smell of the wine. She was disappointed.

Silently, they walked along the dimly lighted path behind the main building. A round, canvas-covered building came into view.”

“Wh—”

Renata stopped. It was eight o’clock — quiet time.

There were mats and big stuffed pillows on the floor with a small, slightly raised stage at the opposite end of the yurt. Angela sat on a mat with her eyes closed. White noise filled the air. Renata and Callie sat beside each other. Angela walked the class through the meditation step-by-step. 

She’s good, thought Renata, who had never meditated a day in her life. 

She glanced over at Callie, whose eyes were closed and her posture relaxed.

She’s in the zone, thought Renata.

After class, the two women rose and headed to the door. Renata felt great. It had taken her a bit of time to get into the mindset, but once there, not too bad.

That was great, thought Renata.

It’s been too long since my last meditation. This was more difficult than I expected, thought Calle.

They entered their rooms, silently.

Renata slept fitfully that night, still plagued by visions of Friday the 13^th, waiting for Jason to break into the cabin and slash her. She wished that she had actually had a drink of wine the night before. Maybe it would have helped her sleep. 

She finally rose just before dawn, showered, dressed, and headed out. There was no sound from Callie’s side of the cabin, so Renata continued toward the yurt and the sunrise meditation.

She felt good — maybe even peaceful — after the class. She vowed to herself that she would try to attend every session, and even attempt a self-guided meditation.

I’m getting better at this meditation stuff, she thought. Even the intentional breathing wasn’t as hokey as I thought it would be.  

As she walked towards the main building and breakfast, she saw Callie. Not wanting to intrude on Callie’s contemplation, Renata dropped her eyes, but not before she noticed the furrow between her friend’s eyes, and stressed look on her friend’s face.

She walked up to the buffet table. 

Yay, she thought, bacon!

It was vegetarian bacon, but still …

After breakfast, a walk around the grounds. Fifteen acres with a plethora of walking paths and trails. She started out at a brisk pace, but slowed down. There was no reason to hurry. She literally had all day, and nothing pressing. 

I think I’m strolling, she thought.  I’m not sure that I’ve ever strolled before. It’s kinda nice.

There was a ten o’clock meditation, lunch, another session at three o’clock, dinner at six. After the three o’clock class, Renata made her way to her cabin, with the goal of sitting on the porch and taking in the day. To be honest, she hadn’t seen Callie at lunch, and she was a bit concerned. 

At six o’clock, she headed out to dinner. She put her ear to the wall that separated the two rooms and listened. Nothing. So Callie was either asleep or out and about.

Renata stayed for the entire dinner hour, but no Callie. She had to be getting hungry, Renata thought. She got a plate of the veg lasagna, some bread, a salad, and a glass of mango juice on a tray and headed back to the cabin. She put the tray on the chair, gently knocked on the door before returning to her own room.

Later, as she headed out to watch the sunset, she noted that the food was still on the porch.

It was getting dark when she returned to the cabin. She knocked on Callie’s door.

“I CAN’T DO THIS!” Callie yelled from inside.

“Shhh!” said Renata.

“THIS IS SO HARD AND SO STUPID! I HATE IT HERE! I WANT TO GO HOME!”

Renata knocked harder.

The door flew open, and there was Callie. Or at least Renata thought it was Callie. She tried not to show her surprise. Callie’s makeup was all over her face, he hair was standing up on end, and she was crying. 

“If I don’t get out of here, I’m going to chew off my own arm so they have to call the EMTs so I can leave.”

Callie looked around wildly, and grabbed at the front of Renata’s shirt. “I need my phone. I can’t do this without my phone!”

Holy shit, thought Renata, she’s going through withdrawal.

She turned and went back to her room, and dug out her backup phone (a girl’s got to be prepared), walked back to Callie’s room and handed it to her.

“Oh my God! You had an extra phone! You didn’t hand it in? That’s cheating! You’re not following the rules.”

The girl does not get the irony of what she just said, thought Renata.

Callie dropped her eyes to the screen and opened the phone’s apps.

“Thank God there’s a signal. You don’t mind if I download a few apps do you?”

She didn’t even look into Renata’s face, she was so focussed on the phone.

“That food still out there? Could you bring it in for me? Just put it on the table. I’ll be right there.”

Renata did as she was asked, then left, heading back to the yurt for another meditation session.

I don’t think she knows I left.

The next morning, after breakfast, Renata knocked on Callie’s door.

Callie had showered and changed her clothes.

“Uh, hi.”

“Hey,” said Renata. It was after eight, and she was allowed to talk again.

“I guess this was a bit harder than I thought. I should have been able to do thirty-six hours. But the quiet, the no electronics rule, the crappy accommodations were too much for me. I’m sorry I dragged you into this. You must have hated it.”

“No, actually, I really enjoyed it. And nature’s not that bad. There were no axe murderers. The food wasn’t horrible. So that’s a win.” She smiled. “And I think I’m going to continue with meditation. Maybe get one of those apps.”

Callie was staring at Renata, her mouth agape.

“Who are you, and what have you done with my friend?”