He exhaled a shaky breath. His plan wasn’t going to how he had thought it would be go. He never thought he have to do this .He never thought he would be in this position. It is all because of her. Yes, that her. Tracking her down had been fairly easy. She wasn’t the kind to leave details of her life to the public but there are still enough people who knew where she might be. That’s the way she preferred it and he knew it too well about her. After few phone calls with friends, he had a location on where he could find her. After 5 years of no contact, he had to do this. He thought it was time. He was right. He just had to be right.
He bit the inner parts of his lower lips to stop the quivering of lower lip. He didn’t think he would be this nervous. Coming to see her had unnerved him .With all that he has accomplished, he was surprised that confidence was disserting him at the time like this .The irony in that when it was the same ego that made him a name. Not a famous household name but a whisper of it could open few back doors needed and did make life pretty comfortable. His name meant something and that almost made life prefect. Almost. He at least had to be right about this.
He cracked his knuckles so that he could feel and hear something to remind himself that all that is going to happen is real and not a dream. With the way things ended all the years ago, it was silly of him to daydream about her waiting for him. There were days he thought about her giving him the fairytale ending that mothers told their little girls about at night. Maybe life could grant him some kindness and at least show him that he made the right decision for the both of them that night. He had to know that she had a fulfilling life .That’s why he is where is at this moment in life .He was right about it then. He really needed to be right about it.
His hands were clammy. He tried to wipe the sweat off his denim trousers and rearrange the daisy flowers that he plucked from a stranger ‘garden in his hands. He felt like the way an adolescent would be panicking on his first date with his dream crush in high school. He felt stupid for feeling and reacting this way. He knew what he lost and had accepted to sacrifice it before .In life it’s all a game of gamble; once the dice is rolled, not all the sides of the dice can be displayed .Whatever side one of the dice you want to call ‘jackpot’ will cost you the other sides. He tried to explain this to her that last night about life and its possibilities. He explained and he was right then. He is confident that he is still right now.
He closed his eyes to clear his vision. He was envisioning that he was watching her at her house out in the lawn ,watching her with loving husband play tag with her dotting toddler at the front of her house. She would glance and notice a stranger staring at them across the lawn. She would proceed to walk to him when she recognizes him because she would be in disbelief. They would exchange greetings and talk about life in general. He would give her the flowers and proceed to give the speech that he has been preparing all this time. She would smile gently at him like she always did they were young and tilt her head to the side when she is listening. He would tell her what his ego couldn’t tell her all those years back .It would about their decade long friendship that spanned from naïve adolescent years to exploring undergraduate college years. It would be about the promise of what could have for their almost life .It would be about the decision. It would be about her life now without him. In return she would embraced him just for a moment and return to her family playing on the lawn without any further words. He would finally feel whole and light. He had not come to cause trouble only to see if she is happy. The chapter would be closed. He thought he was right. He was not sure anymore.
His throat was dry and itching .He cleared his throat and opened his mouth to recite all his rehearsed speech. This was it. This was the moment. Yet only make unintelligent sounds came out. He prepared for this moment and could not afford to lose this .Grinding his teeth, he shook his head to clear his mind and think clearly .Irritation tingle at the back of his nose and words still failed to leave his lips. He could feel his chest tightening and his pulse started to pound. This was followed by harsh breathing as his knees buckled under the strain of the circumstances bringing him to his knees on the grass closer to her .His noise become uncontrollable as it became clear what was happening. He finally had gave in to what his body was telling him what needs to be done.
“I am so sorry…..I was wrong …..Please “he cried with wet lines running down his face as he opened his eyes, the image of the would-have been moment fading. In its place on the well- trimmed green lawn, he now faces a cold oval granite marble stone evidence erected upright .He reaches out to touch it, to trace her inscription on her tombstone as he mourns for her. It was always about her and probably will be. For this man asking his greatest loss for mercy, the only response to his plea were the soft whispers of the wind rattling the fallen tree leaves around him.