Be careful what you wish for

As I am looking through my open window, I see the cloudless sky above me streaked with sunlight. It reminds me of a simpler time. It reminds me of a time where I was not alone. A time where my loving wife was still here by my side. As I sit back down on the little table, perfect for two, I look at the opposite seat. On a morning like this, I would have been having breakfast next to our flower patch with her. Her musical laughs would have made my day and her smiles would have melted my heart, but now I am here, inside and alone, sipping on a coffee that has long gone cold. I have been awake for hours. Sleeping has been almost impossible for the last couple of months. I look around and a tear runs down my cheek. All her most beautiful works hang in our house. Paintings and drawings hanging on the walls and sitting on the shelves. The little baskets she wove as decoration, filled with painted eggs and chocolates for Easter, are hidden everywhere in the house for our grandchildren. I wish I could have more time with her. I wish death would simply walk through that door and take me to her.

  As I lift my cup to my mouth the bell suddenly rings. I look up in surprise, then my brows pull together. Who is bothering me at this hour of the day? I grunt as I get up and walk towards the front door. Through the little window in the door, I can see a tall man standing there. I hesitate halfway to the door. His sharp grey eyes are gazing intently at me as if I were a fascinating object. I shake the thought away and cross the last few metres to the door. As I swing the door open the man greets me. “Good morning, Simon. I am Thanatos. Could we please have a chat? I need to ask you some very important questions. About how you will proceed… in life.” He has a weird accent I can’t place and his talking is smooth like he has done this millions of times. I want to say no, but yes slips out of my mouth and he steps inside, nodding gratefully at me. He walks into the living room gracefully and starts looking at the paintings and drawings with a wide smile on his face.

  “This must be her work, I assume?” Thanatos asks me gently. I say yes before I even form the word in my head. It’s like he has controlled my tongue! The man looks at me and a sad smile crosses his face as he reaches down into his pocket. His eyes have a sort of pull and I can’t take mine of his. Like he is not done yet with looking at the deepest and darkest secrets of my life. I try to avert my eyes but I can’t. Thanatos nods at me and suddenly I am able to look away. I immediately try to avoid his eyes, so I focus on something else. His clothing catches my attention in an instant. He is wearing a long silver coat that is somehow moving as if there were a breeze in here. As he fidgets with something in his hand I notice that weird symbols are marked on the cuffs of his coat. He sees me watching his hand and he opens his palm to show me what he’s holding. A pure white ring is resting on his palm. He steps closer to me and holds it in front of my face. The grim reaper is engraved into the bone-like material and some weird words in a language I don’t know surround it.  

  “It is a quote of who I am and what I do. ‘I am the master, to guide those whose path ended, into their next’ You would do well to remember it. It might save your life one day.” He walks away from me and resumes looking at the paintings. His black boots make no sound as he walks from painting to drawing and back to another painting. Somehow I feel like he met her, that he spoke to her. My gut is telling me that he is Death and that he is here for me. I feel like I should, but I feel no fear whatsoever. I drop my eyes to the ground. I don’t want to die. Not yet. Not while my daughter is out there, alone, with my grandchildren. I can not leave my family, now is not my time. I look up at Thanatos, newfound courage burning in my chest. “You are not taking me. I can’t go, not yet. I will not leave my family!” He looks at me, his eyes piercing into my soul, and actually smiles. “She told me you did not mean it. I didn’t think that either. I just wanted to make sure,” He talks slowly, articulating every word carefully. “So, what will you do next? Edelina hates how you have been behaving lately. She hates seeing you like this. She can’t move on because of it. She worries too much, she can’t let you go.” His words are like a slap in my face. I feel a knot forming in my stomach. “W-What?” I mutter. Thanatos motions to the two armchairs in the room. “I think we should sit down for this.” He is gentle and caring. Not at all how I imagined death to be like. We sit down. I feel him staring at me, but I ignore it. I am staring at one of the easter eggs hidden in between the fireplace and the cupboard. “She can’t move on? What do you mean with move on?” I ask in silent whispers. Apparently, he has no trouble with his hearing for he answers. “She can’t move on to her next life, because she worries about you. She is sad. She wants you to live your life and enjoy it, however long you have left.”

  “But why did she leave me?” Tears form in my eyes as I look Death in the eyes. I went too far. The room turns cold in an instant. His eyes are wide and full of anger. “After everything, I just told you, do you really think she wanted to leave you? Do you really think she wanted to die? No! But she did. She accepted it without question, and so will you!” he exhales sharply and turns his eyes away from me. He closes his eyes for a second and continues in a gentler tone. “Edelina loves you. She loves you so much she can’t let you go. But she will have to, she can’t linger on forever. It is not right and it is not good for her. It has been four months since she died. Your daughter is grieving on her own, without anyone to help her with her kids. She is on the verge of breaking down. You have not talked to her since Edelina’s death. Stay where you are, don’t touch anything.” His last sentence makes me look around in surprise. The door had swung open while he talked. My daughter is standing on the threshold, deep purple bags under her eyes, looking around. Her usually bright eyes are empty of joy. I feel instant regret and shame. “Dad?” She yells. Her gaze passes over me a few times, but she doesn’t see me. I turn to Death. “Why can’t she see me?” I yell. “What happened to me?!” He holds up his hand. “You are not dead. You are simply in between two realms. I can’t have anyone interrupting us, not even your family,” I look back at my kid and see her look down disappointed. She turns her back and walks out of the house, closing the door behind her. The regret doesn’t leave with her and it won’t unless I change.

  “Simon, I need to know. Will you be able to let her go? Will you be able to accept that she has gone and move on?” He is staring at me, his eyes caring. “Will I see her again?” I ask him quietly. He doesn’t speak for several moments. Then he opens his mouth and says. “Maybe, I do not know. Perhaps you will see her in your next life, or the one after that. You will not remember her, but sometimes love exceeds lifetimes. Maybe you will be drawn to each other again.” Death looks at me, his piercing grey eyes and his long silvery-white hair falling onto his shoulders, and he nods. “I see it in your eyes, Simon. You are a good man, you have always been a good man. You will set your priorities now that you know that your wife will find peace.” He smiles gently. “I knew you would eventually. You just needed a little push. Follow your heart, Simon. It is as true as the north star!” He stands up suddenly and sighs. He walks towards me and holds out his hand. “We will see each other again, on better terms I hope. It has been great meeting you again, Simon.” We shake hands. “What do you mean again?” I ask him as he walks away from me to the backdoor. He lays his hand on the doorknob and he glances over his shoulder at me. I see a smile play over his lips. He winks and walks out of the house. I get up and haste to the door. I swing it open and… Nothing. The flowers are dancing slowly in the wind, the grass stands tall and under the cloudless sky, there is no sign of Death. I close the door. Frowning as I sit down at the little table. I look at the opposite chair and sigh. “I am sorry my love. I have been a fool, but I will be no more.”

  And for the first time in months, I smile.