Winter of Life

She sat waiting. Like most things in her life this was just another thing she couldn't control. Life, she felt, was something that just happened to her. As hard as she fought to stand still, life took her by the hand, dragged her along and pulled her in. She was constantly left dealing with the aftermath of the newest thing life had swept her up in and all the fight she had in her was just about gone.

  Staring up the park path with anticipation she focused on the trees intertwined, readying themselves for the full swing of fall. They were heavy with vibrant colored yellow, red and orange crisp leaves that would soon float to the ground and satisfyingly crackle under your feet. "These trees stand here year after year" she thought to herself, "with nothing but their trunks to protect them against the elements. In spite of all they are exposed to, they continue blossoming, blooming, dying and being reborn." Nature's intoxicating death and rebirth process.

          She longed for this power. Although she had worked to change, there was no renewal or regeneration for her. Her life had far surpassed its "springtime" and was so full of hurt and regret as she entered the cycle of “winter”. This thought struck her hard like a punch to the gut and tears welled up in her eyes. "Oh no you don't" she told herself. "Don't you dare start!" she knew if she allowed these first tears to fall, she wouldn't be able to stop. She swallowed hard, steadying her emotions and the urge to cry passed.

          Checking her watch, she began to feel anxious and wondered how much longer she should wait. She was nervous and fidgety which was not good because she was already feeling emotionally charged. This could lead her back to “bad habits”. Bad habits that she used to calm her raw nerves and she needed to be on her best behavior today. She patted her left coat pocket where she kept some of her “pretties”. She shouldn’t have kept them, but she did and justified her decision by saying she was using them as a reminder of what was and the mess she could be.

           She tried to keep her mind occupied by focusing on the shape of the trees and the sky that framed them. She turned her face upward so that the fall sun could warm it. The surprising brightness forced her to close her eyes. For a moment she felt calm as she listened to the leaves rustle in the breeze, focused on breathing and just “being”.

          Her peaceful moment, however, was interrupted by the yipping of a small dog. She opened her eyes hoping they had finally come, but it was just a couple who were sharing a quiet conversation full of smiles while they walked their pup. Her eyes searched longingly down the path and no matter how hard she wished, it remained empty.

           She uneasily checked her watch again which only confirmed what she already knew – Reed had been waiting for four hours. Crushed, she patted her left pocket again and felt the tears well up in her eyes. “Everything is changing” she said out loud. “EVERYTHING is changing... why can’t it change for me?” and now the tears were flowing. Reed felt shaky and clasped her hands tightly together trying to calm herself and gain control of her emotions.

           She had worked hard and fought for this meeting. This was her chance to explain, to apologize and to finally meet her granddaughter. Reed knew once Talyn saw her and heard what she had to say she would welcome her back with open arms.

           However, after waiting for over four hours now, Reed was faced with the cold hard fact that Talyn was not coming and her granddaughter would remain an unobtainable mystery. She reached for her "pretties", rolled her thumb over them and balled her hand into a tight fist hoping this would help quell temptation. Reed struggled with what taking these meant: eighteen months of hard work and sobriety - gone, all hope of a relationship with Talyn and meeting her grandchild - gone and she wasn’t sure she had the strength to pull herself up out of the downward spiral this relapse would send her on.

          Despite these realizations, the guilt, shame and disappointment overwhelmed her and won. She had been pulled down and sunk into the lonely self-doubt and sadness that filled her soul. Her daughter wasn’t showing up and the feeling of feeling nothing sounded too good to pass up at this moment. She gave up, gave in, swallowed her pretties and laid back on the bench.

She reached up toward the sunshine and the fall trees. “Everything is changing – why can’t it change for me?” she whispered over and over until her arm went limp and her eyes closed. Reed’s head felt light. She looked down to see herself lying flaccid on the bench. She floated along the trees as her life flashed before her eyes like a movie. Reed wondered where it had all gone wrong and how it had all come down to this exact moment. 

            As if taking a cue from her thoughts, the movie flipped to her childhood. She was three, sitting on a rug playing with blocks while her father read the newspaper and her mother graded papers, hardly noticing her. Reed had been born to “box checkers”:

·       Graduate from an Ivy league college – check!

·       Fall in love and get married after college – check!

·       Secure a position as a partner in a prestigious law firm – check!

(her father)

·       Secure a position as an English Professor at a prestigious

school - check! (her mother)

·       Buy a home in an affluent neighborhood – check!

·       Have two children: one boy and one girl – check and check!  

           The box checking could go on and on.

          The movie fast forwarded and focused on Reed’s childhood achievements.  She wondered why this was the new focal point because no matter the sport or instrument, her natural talent enabled her to excel and succeed. As the movie played on, she didn’t have to wonder for long. Through all the recitals, competitions, awards, medals, ribbons, trophies, ceremonies one thing was consistent – her parents were painfully absent. The one person who did show up, however, was her grandmother or “GG” as Reed called her.

           From an early age, GG was her biggest cheerleader, supporter and source of love and comfort. When Reed fell, it was GG’s arms that waited to comfort her. When Reed won first place at her swim meet, it was GG who sat in the crowd clapping. It was GG who took Reed to buy her dress for the seventh-grade dance that Andy (her crush and cutest boy in middle school) had asked her to. It was her first dance and GG pulled out all the stops, taking her for a spa day to get her hair, nails and make-up done.  Although she lacked attention from her parents, her childhood still reflected a certain love and warmth thanks to her GG. So where did it all go wrong?

          Again, as if taking a cue from her thoughts, the movie fast forwarded to a more unpleasant time. She was seventeen, dressed in black, lying across her bed, crying hysterically. Instantly, she knew this memory and the rush of emotion from that day came crashing down on her. It was the day of GG’s funeral and Reed had been inconsolable. Everything else from that day was a blur. She could hardly remember how she made it through the funeral and back to her house to greet friends and family who had come to pay their respects. She could barely function once back at the house and needed to be helped upstairs and put to bed by some of the mourners.

    The family doctor had shown up to pay his respects and seeing the state Reed was in, offered to call in a prescription for something to calm her nerves. Reed’s mother quickly agreed. She couldn’t be bothered to deal with Reed as she was too busy tending to their guests, being the perfect host, dutiful wife and grieving daughter-in-law (check, check and check).

          It was Reed’s aunt Marla who had picked up the prescription, came to check on her and gave her the glass of water and pill that would ultimately seal her fate. Marla, at the time, had no idea the chain of events this would set in motion and had always felt bad about it. When things took a turn for the worst and Reed was overcome by addiction, Marla was so eaten up by guilt she could hardly face Reed.

           The medicine kicked in and Reed felt nothing... she was in a zombie like daze. The numbness, this feeling of nothing became a necessary part of her day and gave birth to her addiction. The movie had finally answered her question. Losing her support system, the only love she had in her life had broken her. Instead of dealing with it head on as she had with any challenge that came her way, in her weakened state she chose what she thought was the path of least resistance and became an addict.

          With parents that hardly noticed her, Reed was able to hide her addiction for a while, until she couldn’t. She spent the next few years in and out of rehab, living on the streets, in shelters and on friend’s couches until she had Talyn. Her parents picked her up from the halfway house she graduated to, helped her remain clean and welcomed them both into their home.

          It was hard being home around all of her old triggers, but Reed was determined to hold on for Talyn. She got a job at the local bookstore, attended church, AA meetings and developed a great support system between friends and her sponsor. She even began running again, loving the feeling of the crisp morning air cooling her skin and filling her lungs. She remained in this state of sobriety until she didn’t.

           Reed spiraled off course and plunged headfirst back into addiction. She couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment the switch flipped or what caused it, but this time she fell hard and everything that was good in her life was gone in an instant. Reed really let go and this particular bout with addiction was one of the longest and most destructive she ever had.

  She promptly lost custody of Talyn to her parents. It was decided that it would be best for everyone if she stayed away and let Talyn have some “normalcy” in her life. Reed let go and with nothing to lose, her bout with addiction swallowed her up.

   Talyn was three and Reed had remained a distance memory until she reached an age where she wanted to know her mother. Reed’s parents were able to steer her away from these urges, but once Talyn got old enough, she reached out to her mother only to be disappointed time after time as Reed was still very much in the grips of her addiction and eventually Talyn gave up. She severed all ties with Reed and understood wholly what her grandparents were so determined to shield her from.  The years passed with a cold silence between them.

When Reed learned that Talyn had given birth, she was one year into her sobriety and determined to prove to Talyn that she was worthy of meeting her granddaughter and being in her life. It took her six months to broker the meeting she sat waiting at.

Talyn was wary of her mom’s promises and disappointments and was determined to shield her daughter from it as her grandparents had shielded her. Her mother had called several times begging her for another chance, but Talyn was skeptical that this was just another song and dance. In desperation Reed asked her to call her sponsor. Talyn did and her sponsor confirmed that her mother had been going on eighteen months of sobriety. Reed’s sponsor also confirmed that she had consistently tested clean up to as recently as Monday of that week.

Armed with this information, Talyn decided to pacify her mom’s pleas with a “maybe” when she had called for the hundredth time and requested a meeting at her favorite bench in the park. That was all Reed needed. She told Talyn she would be there and understood if Talyn didn’t show up. Reed had suffered a few setbacks and the prospect of this meeting was helping her to stay the course and be strong.

However, now that Talyn hadn’t shown up, it sent Reed over the edge and she allowed herself to lose all hope. Although she had not been given the opportunity to forge a “real” relationship with her daughter, she felt she was losing Talyn all over again. She floated on in sadness as the movie came to a close and she was suddenly snapped back to reality and her body.

“MOM!!! NOOOO… MOM PLEASE!! I’M SORRY MOM… I’M HERE NOW – PLEEEEASE” Talyn screamed and frantically called 911. She held her mother close, trying to warm her. Reed’s eyes fluttered and she fought to come back to Talyn. “One more fight” she said to herself. “You’ve got one more fight in you. Talyn’s here – it’s going to be okay.” She tried hard, but the only thing she managed was to force out one last breath. 

  The universe hurt for Reed. It looked at her soul and remembered the good, innocent being she once was. Looking at her broken body, it took pity on her. No, she would not be sent to a place of torment, nor would her soul wander lost and aimless. Reed, the universe determined, would get her second chance. She would be reborn in nature and once again bloom.