11 comments

Crime Fiction Mystery

I struggled to open my eyes. The light in the room was blinking red then blue. It had a rhythm on off, on off. It hurt my head. Make it stop. Noone was there to hear me. I sensed I was alone but where? Gathering my courage I opened one eye then the other. The lights continued to blink they were coming from outside sitting up I cringed my head felt heavy and I longed to close my eyes again but I could smell danger. I had to figure this out. I realized I was on a dirty mattress but where I could not say. Getting up on my knees I peered out of the window. It had dirt caked on it. I wiped my hand on the dirt caked window and saw a huge neon sign flashing on and off and on and off. It had a huge woman in a cowboy hat and she was doing something with a rope. It read girls girls girls. The cowgirl had a huge bust line and she had a come hither smile on her face. What the heck? I had no memory of this sign. My head was pounding looking around it appeared I was in a motel room or a boarding room. Very stark a sink with a filthy mirror above it. A chair, a mattress and a closet with no door. Getting up I was unstable. My legs felt like rubberbands. I stared at the woman in the dirt crusted mirror. I barely recognized myself. My hair was blonde for as long as I could remember I was a brunette. I had makeup on and I was dressed in a short skirt and tank top which didn't belong to me. I needed to figure out where I am and get out. I tried to remember the events from last night. The harder I thought the more my head hurt.. I wished the blinking lights would go away. I went to open the door it was locked. Damn how did I get here? and why am in different clothes? The harder I thought the more my head hurt. I heard the door knob jiggle and a key was inserted. A tall man opened the door

" oh good, you are awake"

"Whe where am I?"

" you are kidding me your set is in 30 minutes"

"Mmmy set?"

"Come on kitten get dressed its time to wake up"

Going along with this very tall man might get me out of here.

"Where's my clothes?"

He pointed to the closet. I noticed a tiny dress with a lot of glitter, 4 inch heels and not much more.

"You got hit on the head pretty hard when you fell last night"

"I fell?"

"Yep try and stay on your pole this time Missy the boss didn't like you cutting your show early"

"Uh, okay"

"Get dressed"

I obeyed knowing that this is the one chance I can have to get out of here. The dress was short sparkly and showed off to much skin. The shoes were ridiculous.

" I'm ready" I called to the unnamed man

"Now that's more like it"

He guided me across the street and into a seedy dump. I blinked because it was really dark and smelled like stale cigarettes and drink. He guided me to the back if the stage.

"Up in 5 minutes"

Now how can I get out of here. I was trapped in a small dressing room. When the 5 minutes had passed the nameless man grabbed my arm and thrust me on stage. As I stood there blinking I heard the music turn on and it all came crashing back to me. This was my life. Getting hit on the head I dreamt of an old life. This is what I did to exist. I began to dance..

It was easy the rhythmic music pulsating all around me. Closing my eyes I got on the pole. I was thinking where I was in my life. The previous life I led was really quite respectful. How did I sink so low? The lights hit my eyes but I could see the men who sat around the stage. Each one had a stack of bills supposedly 1 dollar bills and each wore a face that made them look like they were looking at a prime rib steak the man in the corner was slobbering on his denim jacket. Then suddenly I locked eyes with the bartender. He looked bored, he was serving a beer to a gentleman in a hat. That man was vaguely familiar. I couldn't make out exactly his facial features but he looked like he didn't belong here. Just as I spun on the pole he turned to me and winked. The memory of who I was rested in that wink. My name was Janine Turlington I was a cop I was undercover. The man in the hat was my partner we were there to bring down the sleeze ball who owned a chain of clubs that exploited women. He had been laundering money. I didn't belong in this life. I fell last night because I am no good at this pole thing. I belonged in a world that wasn't this. Relief flooded me. I was going to do my best to bring in my man. Smiling at the hat man I felt such a feeling of empowerment.

When the set was over I got a few claps my waistband contained a large stack of 1 dollar bills. I needed to get a message to the hat man. I've got to stop calling him that his name was Derte Vincent Derte. I have to let him know I wasn't able to collect evidence but was going to the office now. Vince nodded as if he read my mind. I went back to the dressing room gathered my bag and went into the office. Noone was around I took out my phone and began to photograph all the books. This will bring down at least a dozen men and woman.

May 06, 2022 18:54

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11 comments

Chris Morris
05:56 May 14, 2022

Really interesting take on the prompt. I liked the reveal that your main character was under cover the whole time, but even she had forgotten with the bump to the head. One thing I'd say to watch out for - some of your sentences could be broken up with commas or split into shorter sentences. For example: "The lights continued to blink they were coming from outside sitting up I cringed my head felt heavy and I longed to close my eyes again but I could smell danger." A few commas and full stops might make this read a little smoother: "The ...

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20:33 May 15, 2022

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. I didn't proof read. I was in a hurry to get it out. I appreciate the constructive criticism. I am going to proof next time. Cheers!

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Michał Przywara
20:40 May 16, 2022

Definitely an interesting take on the prompt! Frankly that opening had some serious horror vibes. It's bad enough waking up not knowing where you are, but to not even recognize yourself? To be in a locked room? And then the people around you expect you to get back to work, like it's just another day. Yes, very chilling scenario :) The twist is nice, though that sounds like one hell of a head injury. As some of the others, like Chris Morris and Marcus Newton Howes, pointed out, some of the sentences could be broken up a bit and polished. ...

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21:35 May 23, 2022

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I appreciate all of you input.

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Kate Winchester
23:30 May 15, 2022

I liked your take on the prompt. It was very creative! I didn’t expect the twist, loved that. I do agree with some of the other comments in that I would like more. Maybe, she learns pieces of the puzzle throughout the story and before the reveal? Keep writing! I look forward to reading more of your stories. 🤗

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21:36 May 23, 2022

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I appreciate all of your input

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Kate Winchester
23:00 May 23, 2022

You’re welcome 😀

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Anissa Waterman
07:08 May 14, 2022

I like the idea of your story. It could be a longer one if that is a direction you wanted to go. I agree with the need for commas and shortening sentences. I have that problem too.

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20:35 May 15, 2022

Thanks for taking the time to read my story. I am so happy you enjoyed it!

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06:21 May 14, 2022

You've written a creative story there. Feels like just the beginning of a more involved story though, you know? I'd like little clues early in the story that all fit together at the point of realisation of who she is. Maybe that's a bit of a corny device in some ways, but that's because that sort of thing works! I'd also encourage you to re-read the story in order to proof-read it before submitting, as unfortunately it does need a bit of work with grammar and structure. I try and read my stories through like 10 times before I submit. I...

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21:37 May 23, 2022

Thanks for taking the time to read my story. I appreciate all of your input

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