Entropy in my Head

(This story contains sensitive material like suicidal ideation, mental health awareness, ADD, substance use, suggestive material).

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Dear Diary,

Entropy In My Head

18/11/23

1:00 PM

After spending hours trying to start this journal entry, I'm finally writing. Four hours, to be exact. No judgment, please—this is my homework. Dr. Bob Marysville, my therapist (funny name for someone from Bellingham, WA), suggested I start journaling. We're trying a new technique to manage my tendency to overthink and fidget. So here I am, writing to you, my blank slate, hoping for a reprieve from the judgmental thoughts that often plague me.

People might judge me for my incessant talking, and sometimes, I can't blame them. I talk nonstop. It's relentless. But I need to stay focused. Context is key. I used to think I was the popular girl in my teens. Maybe I was, maybe not. But one thing's certain: nothing I've done has ever boosted my self-confidence. Except well, occasionally making the bed a couple times a year.

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3:00 PM

It's easy to slip into a victim mindset, but I refuse to be a victim. I want to assert that my mental health doesn't define me. I want to remember where I left my car keys, find my wireless earbuds, and not overshare my life with everyone. I want to pass exams without needing a meditation retreat. Just normal things, you know?

The impulsiveness and emotional dysregulation in my life are overwhelming. I crave constant happiness and struggle with profound boredom. Why am I journaling again? Oh right, to understand myself better and navigate the chaos of life, especially during the holidays. Hey, look —- squirrel.

[Pun intended Trishy]

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5:02 PM

The holiday season is tough, not because I'm anti-social or anti-fun, but because it demands so much memory and attention. And if you haven't noticed, I struggle with remembering things like who needs what gifts. Add to that my financial struggles, being a middle-aged, single woman inching closer to what feels like a chaotic end.

Substance use disorder has been a significant part of my life. I've sought mental stimulants to quiet the relentless noise in my head. It's like being trapped in a thousand concerts, all blaring simultaneously. Regret fills me when I think of all the avoidable mistakes I've made. Except that one time where I dropped coffee on an annoying customer. That was fun!

I wish people understood mental health better than hashtags, especially in times like these when we have to navigate through dinners and busy lines. We’re not “strange,” really - or rude, for that matter. We’re just scared and frustrated. We’re locked in our heads trying to figure out how being happy won’t be hijacked by debilitating anxiety. I wish people cared, like really cared, in person - not just on their beautifully filtered social media facades. This is my journal. I get to be judgy here!

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7:00 PM

Shame has been a constant companion, replaying every mistake in an endless loop. It's like a bad movie with exaggerated depictions of my failures. This shame even tainted memories like Thanksgiving dinners, turning them into painful reminders of my perceived shortcomings. Halloween is great, though. The cloak of invisibility… oh that’s my specialization.

[stop thinking about it damn it]

Medication has been a complicated journey. Misdiagnoses have been frequent. I was initially diagnosed with bipolar disorder and went through a gamut of treatments, none of which improved my quality of life. My physician even doubted my ADD, suggesting my symptoms might be medication-induced. He can suck on this! I love playing video games.

But here's where my story takes a turn. Despite my skepticism, I tried CBD. No seriously, don’t give me that look.

To my surprise, it brought calmness and focus. I've started reading and writing more. I still won't tell my conservative family or my doctor, who insists on more data-driven evidence. Maybe I am justifying my drug use, but CBD has made a difference for me. No crazy inhibitions. No waking up at the laundry mat with a beer helmet.

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9:30 PM

I don't know if what I'm doing is right or wrong, but it's helping me survive, be happier, and form better relationships. I use CBD sparingly, cautiously, and privately. It's a personal choice that's working for me, even if it goes against my family's conservative values.

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11:59 PM

I want ice cream. I finally finished a note for the first time in years. This feels nice. I hope the holidays are nice for us mental health folks this year as they are for everyone. Something feels positive. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the new nuggets we got from the dollar store. I don’t even know, I actually forgot what I was writing mid sentence.

It’s just that it’s quiet now, you know? It’s peaceful. It’s mellow. But not too much.

Sometimes, being able to hear your inner voice is a luxury we can’t afford. But the silence for now — it’s beautiful. It’s not stoned, it’s not hyper, it’s just like maybe what I have ever felt closest to normal.

Just the right amount of entropy in my brain.

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11/19/23

2:01 AM

Oh my God I want to edit this journal every five minutes and then read it every other five! I’m going to sleep!

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