Katie's Christmas

Katie stared at the steering wheel of her dark green 1980 BMW 320i contemplating whether she should continue with the annual Christmas charade of being happy and witty with family members she rarely saw or start the car and take off back to her apartment in the city, get into her pajamas, and watch movies and eat junk food all day. The answer was an easy one; however, she knew if she didn’t make an appearance, there would be endless calls from her mother informing her of how disappointed everyone was that she didn’t show.

We can’t disappoint them…Katie dreaded this holiday. Not for any particular reason, just the feeling of being “on” was truly exhausting. One of these days, Katie thought, I’m going to save enough money all year and go to Europe for Christmas. That way, I’ll have an excuse for not being here. And, I’ll say I have bad reception and so sorry my phone isn’t working but I hope you all have a Merry Christmas! The thought brought a smile to her face. It would be tough to save that kind of money but just the thought of it made whatever sacrifice it would take worth it.

As she sat there, she heard a tap on her window. Shit. She turned her head and found herself face to face with her brother Jeff. Smart, younger, and funny, Jeff was the only saving grace of this day. Maybe he could save his money, too, and they could escape to Europe together?! Katie rolled down her window and smiled at him. “Jeff—’

“Coming in or taking off? If the answer is taking off, can I come with?”

“Haha, well, since they know you’re already here, if you disappear, then they’ll know I came and left taking you with me and I just don’t want to hear about that for the next two months, so I guess that means I’m coming in.”

“You haven’t missed much. Come on. Oh, and Katie, I’m really glad you came.”

“Thanks Jeff, me too.” Katie rolled up her window, took a deep breath, and opened her car door blowing out her breath as she got out. She reached for Jeff and hugged him as tightly as she could and as long as he would let her. It felt good to hug someone she loved. She missed it. It had been a long time. She could feel him start to release so she let go. She grabbed the gifts from the back seat, gave Jeff a few to carry, gave the car door a push with her foot, and then walked with him to the front door. They looked at each for a second, she gave Jeff the nod, and he opened the door.

“Katie’s here!” he yelled into the house. All at once, Katie heard voices from different parts of house shouting, “Katie! Katie!” It always made her feel a twinge of guilt for not wanting to spend the holidays with people who clearly sounded happy to spend the holiday with her.

The house was a bustle of Christmas music, voices talking, and sports announcers giving the play by play of the football game. The house smelled like fresh baked breads, brown sugar and pineapple ham still cooking in the oven, and apple spice cider simmering on the stove. It was like a Thomas Kinkade picture had come to life. She and Jeff set the gifts down at the base of the Christmas tree where there were enough gifts for ten families. As she admired the lights and ornaments on the tree, she heard a familiar voice exclaim, “Katie!” behind her.

Katie turned around and found herself quickly enveloped in her Aunt Shirley’s arms. She was a tight squeezer of a hugger. Katie managed to squeak out, “Merry Christmas, Aunt Shirley.”

“My, don’t you look good, Katie. You’ve gained a few since last year. It looks good. Your face looks more filled out, not gaunt like last year.”

“Yeah, I got my degree this past summer, so my brain’s bigger. You look good, too, Aunt Shirley. I’mma go say hi to mom, now.” Katie walked away before her aunt could respond. Every year the same thing from her aunt. Oh Katie, you look too thin. Oh Katie, you look too fat. Katie knew she didn’t mean anything by it; but, jeez, who says stuff like that to your face? Katie’s aunt Shirley, that’s who.

“Hey mom.”

“Katie bug! Come here… I can’t hug you right now, I got my hands full…mwah. How ya doing, sweetie? How was the drive?” Katie’s mom lived for the holidays. The moment the Thanksgiving dinner dishes were cleaned and put away, bins and bins of Christmas decorations came up from the basement and Christmas music was played from the time she woke until the moment she went up to bed in the cd player in the kitchen. Plates of Christmas cookies and hard ribbon candy could be found in the foyer, the kitchen, and the den in case anyone needed a Christmas pick me up.

Katie gave her mom a sideways hug and kissed the air near her cheek. “I’m doing okay. The drive was good.”

Katie’s mom turned, tilted her head to look over her reading glasses at her, and asked, “But, how are you.”

Katie was not ready to talk about how she really was. Christmas day was never the day the talk about how you really feel. About anything or anyone. Or yourself. Especially yourself. It was supposed to be a happy day full of jolly memories and eating until the waistband of your pants hurt and unexpectedly shouting in surprise when the underdog football team makes an interception and runs down the field with a trail of players behind them. A day when the feeling of melancholy hits, you excuse yourself to use the bathroom, and then use the one upstairs so you can turn on the sink and let the tears come without anyone hearing or knocking on the door.

“I’m fine, mom. Really.” Katie said as she picked through the box of donuts on the counter. “Donuts? These from yesterday?” She asked, changing the subject.

“No!” Katie’s mom said as if she had drunk a whole pot of coffee on her own.  “There’s a new donut shop in town and they’re open every day! Can you believe it? I sent your dad there this morning and they were open just like they said they would be.”

“No old fashions, huh?” Old fashions were Katie’s favorite donut. She and her dad used to go to the donut shop every Saturday morning to pick up donuts and they would always eat one together before going home with the rest. Her dad would ask about school and what Katie’s friends were up to. She could talk to her dad about anything back then. It felt different now. Heavier.

Just then her dad came into the kitchen and made his way to a cupboard next to the fridge. “Ah! Katie girl! How’s my favorite daughter?” he said as he opened the cupboard, pulled out a small bundle wrapped in wax paper, and handed it to Katie.

“Dad, I’m your only daughter.” Katie replied with her head tilted up to the side as she took the bundle from her dad. The wax paper fell open and she saw the edge of the old fashion donut peek out from the wax paper. He remembered. She hugged her dad and whispered, “Thanks dad.”

“Can’t forget my girl’s favorite donut, can I?” he whispered back to her as they hugged and then let go.

“Thomas! Hurry up with those brewskis! You’re missing the game!” came a voice from the den.

“Uncle Harold and I are watching the game. It’s quite the upset.”

“Better not keep him waiting then.” Katie said smiling at her dad. If anyone had more patience on Christmas day than her dad, she hadn’t met them. Her dad always seemed to smile and maneuver around conversations and situations better than anyone. He had a knack for diffusion that was unmatched by anyone Katie knew in her lifetime.

“He’ll survive. How about you? How are you?”

“I’m fine.”

“You can tell me, Katie.”

“Dad, I’m fine. Really.” Katie replied as she pulled a couple of beers from the fridge. “Here.”

“Okay, but we’ll talk later, okay?”

“Sure, dad.”

“Thomas!!”

“Sorry, honey, duty calls…” and with that, her dad was off to the den.

She bit into the old fashion donut. It was like heaven melted into her mouth. She closed her eyes and relished the buttery and glazed donut cake. That first bite transported her back in time and she was a little girl again holding hands with her dad at the donut shop with the smell of sugar in the air. She wished she could’ve stayed in this moment; but she knew that was a gift she wouldn’t find in her stocking.

She loved her family but being with them during this time of year left her with a deep sense of melancholy and she couldn’t explain why or even where it came from. Every year, without fail since she was a Freshman in high school. It was getting harder and harder to hide which is why every time someone entered a room with her in it, they asked how she was doing. Two years ago, they had asked her so many times, she finally announced at dinner that she was not suicidal and to please stop asking her how she was. It was a pretty quiet dinner after that.

Last year, Katie tried so hard to appear “happy”, people thought she was having a manic episode and wouldn’t let her near anything with booze in for fear she would swing the other way and end up under observation at the local hospital. That was a rough day. Booze had helped her in the past get through the endless questions about who she was dating, why isn’t she married, or is she ever planning on having kids someday? Instead of proclaiming she wasn’t suicidal like the year before, she proclaimed she was a liberated feminist who didn’t need a man, a baby or a marriage so stop asking! It was a pretty quiet dinner after that.

Katie didn’t want that to happen again even though it wasn’t really up to her. She couldn’t control what people said to her or how they expressed their concern for her well-being; but she could control how she responded. Since it was only one day out of the whole year, Katie decided grace would be her gift to her family today. So far so good she thought.

The next couple of hours passed uneventfully as cousins arrived and everyone eating their fill of Christmas dinner. Silverware clinking against Katie’s mom’s heirloom china, while family members commented on how tender the ham was or asked for someone to pass the salt. Ham, mashed potatoes and gravy, a green salad, a fruit salad, roasted brussel sprouts, and three kinds of dinner rolls. More food than necessary but that’s what leftovers were for, Katie’s mother would always say. This year was no different.

They were all enjoying their last bites of pie and taking their last swigs of coffee when Uncle Harold suddenly looked right at Katie and said, “Anything to proclaim this year, Katie?” The whole table went silent. No one moved except for their eyes glancing back and forth between Katie and her uncle. He had challenged her to a showdown and now it was up to her to respond. The seconds ticked by in anticipation. No one said anything.

 Katie looked in her uncle’s direction. He was slouched forward a bit over his half-eaten slice of cherry pie as if to provoke an answer from her. Katie met her Uncle Harold’s eyes across the table and held them. They were in a staring contest now. First one to blink was the loser. It wasn’t going to be her. As the room held the silence watching this stare down, Katie could see the outer corners of Uncle Harold’s eyes start to bend upward. A smile began to grow on his face and she knew she had him.

She was just about to say something clever in response when something in his eyes reminded her of the fun they used to have when she little. Uncle Harold taught her how to pack snowballs super tight so they would be more aerodynamic and hurt when they hit the target. He helped her build elaborate booby traps in the snow to get the best of Jeff and her dad. Then it hit her. “Yes, Uncle Harold, I do have something to proclaim this year.” Katie pushed out her chair holding Uncle Harold’s gaze and stood up. “It has been too long since we’ve had our annual snow ball fight and I think this year, to make things a bit more interesting, I’ve decided I want to change things up. I want Jeff on my team. Sorry Uncle Harold.”

“Yes!” Jeff exclaimed. “Yes! Finally, I have a chance at winning. Sorry, dad, no offense.”

“None taken, son.”

“I taught you everything you know.” Uncle Harold chuckled. “But, there are things you still—”

“Well, then, it should be a fair fight. Me and Jeff against you and dad. Come one Jeff. We’ve got some planning to do.”

“Yes! This is going to be the best ever! You guys are going down!”

“Okay, Jeff. Have fun being on Katie’s team.” Uncle Harold teased. “Oh hey! Since you’re both so confident you’re going to win, how about we make it interesting?” 

Katies’ dad’s eyes perked up. “Uh, Harold, what are you doing? They’ve got age and speed on us. I don’t think –”

“Oh, I see someone’s afraid they’re gonna lose…” Katie said to her dad with a smile.

With a twinkle in his eye, Katie’s dad replied, “Oh, it’s on now.”

“I’m shaking…” Katie teased holding her right hand out in front of her still as a board.

“This is getting intense.” Jeff said as he pulled Katie out of the dining room. “Can we really win, Katie? Do you have a plan?”

“Do I have a plan? Do you think I would get you into this without one?”

“Kinda.”

“You’re right. I don’t have a plan, plan; but, I have been on Uncle Harold’s team since we were kids. I know all his tricks. Come on, we’ve got a snowball arsenal to build.”

It was the greatest, most epic snowball fight in Katie’s family’s history. Uncle Harold and her dad had the north side of the back yard as their base and Katie and Jeff had the south side. The back deck was along the west side of the house where Aunt Shirley, Katie’s mom and the rest of family sat bundled up and cheered or booed the teams.

The four of them took turns throwing snow balls while making more to throw. Dodging behind trees, filling their pockets with snow packed into fist size balls of cold fury, and throwing with all their might hoping to hit their targets. The cheering section gave away their hiding spots and encouraged them to throw or run or hide with great enthusiasm. Shrieking in terror or triumph, the balls were thrown back and forth until everyone’s clothes were soaked through and their energy was spent.

The weary fighters approached the deck to hear the fate of the battle from the cheering section. They would determine who won and who lost. As they stood there with pink noses and cheeks, soaked clothes, and huge smiles on their faces, Katie’s mom emerged from the house with a tray of mugs filled with hot cocoa topped with huge marshmallows.

“Well?” asked Jeff breathing heavy hunched over with his hands touching his knees, “Who won?”

Aunt Shirley and Katie’s mom looked at each other and shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“What do you mean, you don’t know? Mom!” Katie exclaimed. “You guys are supposed to tell us who won.”

“Oh! We were having so much fun watching you all act like kids, we forgot to keep track of who did what.”

“Yeah,” agreed Aunt Shirley. “You all were having so much fun. Can’t you all be winners?”

The four snow soaked warriers looked at each other in exasperation with their breath billowing out in front of their faces. Almost at the same time, they all started laughing which turned into hugging which turned into a lot of compliments about how they played the battle.

“Hey you snow ballers, come and get this hot cocoa before it becomes cold cocoa.”

“Isn’t that just chocolate milk, mom?”

“Oh, Jeff. Here…and one for you miss Katie, one for you Harold, and one for my favorite snow baller of all…”

The hot mug began to warm Katie’s hands as she took a sip of her hot cocoa and looked around at this group of people, who just a few hours ago were a group she claimed to dread seeing on this one special day of the year. This epic snow battle reminded her how important her family is to her and that even though they may not say or do the right things, they love her and she loves them. And she wouldn’t trade this day with them for time alone in Europe for anything.