My Name is Vlad by Devadeep Gupta

What can I tell you about myself? Let us start with... I am in love.

I have been in love for a very, very long time. I work at a bank in the city, and my job is unremarkable. Given English is not my first language, I often find it difficult to make new friends in London.

On most days, I barely move from my desk at work. I do not really need to, and I prefer it that way. At lunch, I eat alone. I see my colleagues, laughing and speaking about trivial matters that do not really interest me.

I sometimes feel that I am invisible to them. Perhaps it is my poor language skills, or lack of “social awareness”, as one of them called it.

I do not mind it. I know my colleagues are sometimes rude, but I am not the most likeable person in the world.

On most evenings, after work, I go for a walk around the city. There are Christmas lights all around, although we are well into the new year. The lights, in the backdrop of the grey, rainy sky, and more grey buildings… makes me feel like I am at home away from home.

I have not revealed to anyone at work why I chose to come so far from home. My wife, my great love, lives here. I do not know her address. I do not have a phone number. All I know is that she lives somewhere in London. I know that she is waiting for me.

Every evening, when I go for a walk, I select a new part of the city that I have not yet explored. I go every single day. Yet, in all of my searching, I have not yet found her.

Sometimes, I see a face… I see familiarity. Whenever I see someone more beautiful than my mind’s eye can imagine, for a moment, I long for it to be her.

It never is.

Yet, I know that she is in the city. How do I know? I cannot really tell.

Today, I am in the city centre, at Trafalgar Square. I know that it is a hopeless quest. How will I ever find her, amongst thousands of strangers?

I recall when Central London was quite different. How times have changed! It is not Christmas week or New Year’s Day, and yet the square is bustling with people. The lights are blinding, compared with the rest of the city. I cannot feel the peace that I yearn.

I look all around me. The lions at Nelson’s Column appear to be mocking me. Tourists all around me, with their smartphones, are clicking selfies. How detestable is the current average intelligence of the population of the city.

I go back to searching. I walk along the City of Westminster, towards the tube station at Charing Cross. Perhaps it is time to give up for the day.

As I am about to enter the tube station, I spot a lady… walking with a friend, away from where I am. I run back up the steps, but by the time I get close to where she was… there are too many other people around me. I search the streets around me, walking back and forth for nearly an hour. If I were of a more feeble nature, the anxiety may have led me to sweat. But I feel calm.

I am calm, and resolute. I must return home now, as I cannot delay my time of rest.

I decide the search must continue, but it is time to stop now. As I walk back from the tube station to my home, I recall the short span of time I had spent with my love, Mina. I remember how my heart should have beaten faster every time I was near her… but it did not.

My face should have been flush with the fear of losing her… but I had felt nothing at the time. When she saw me, I had initially detected a sense of dread, but soon she saw the true version of me. She saw the side of me that even I had lost. And once she was gone, I was lost again. I did not just long for her… I wanted to find myself again.

I wanted to feel happy again. Being alone in the city, or the world, was only made bearable for the hope of seeing her again.

My friends back home said I had lost her forever, that this was a hopeless quest. I should give up. But I could not bear the possibility of… no… I could not even bring myself to utter the thought… of her death.

I knew she was alive. I still know that she is here. I can sense her.

How long will it take for me to find her? I do not care. This is what I have understood. Beauty… and love… are infinite. The sheer word… infinity… is beyond the comprehension of all who walk upon the Earth. I can walk every evening, search every night, and fail… until the end of time… for the hope of seeing her once.

I long to feel her warm embrace… or even the touch of her hand on my face… only once. That is enough.

I will keep searching.

For now, I am home. Now I must rest. I must survive in this labyrinth, if I am to find my one true love.

Every night, when I return to my apartment, I must complete this ritual without which I cannot survive. I take the bottles of earth from my homeland, and I spread it all over the bed.

My name is Vlad, but it is not the name by which my countrymen refer to me. I have come far from Transylvania. I know that my love will appear one day to me. I have been searching for her for hundreds of years.

I know I will find her once day.

One more day goes by without our union.

Good night, my love.